Fallen Leaves

There are few things I don't love about fall. The only thing I don't really care for is the awkward weather where it's kind of cold without a jacket, but too warm with one, other than that it's perfect.

So I'm not sure what's gotten into me that last few days, but I'm really ready for a break, and a long one. I need to go home and see everyone that I haven't seen in months. But more so I'm ready for college to be over, possibly forever. I love being in college, and I love the college atmosphere, but every day that I'm just piddling around as an undeclared major is a day that I've wasted, and there are few things that I hate more than a wasted day.

I think Peter is gone for the weekend, which is quite alright with me, because I haven't had a night to myself in a long time. I would have last weekend, but I ended up in a someone else's room all night, but that's a different story.

I'm gonna work out for 2 hours tomorrow morning, try to knock out my 2,000 for the day before I eat anything, I usually don't do so great at my morning workouts, so this should be fun.

I sat down and had a ton of negativity bundled up inside of me, lots of angst and self-hate and whatnot, and now there just aren't words for it, so I'll just ramble on about things in my life.

My Ball State friends are, well they are. I don't see a lot of them as much as I wish I did or as I used to. Sure I'm making new friends, but I'm not the type of guy who wants to have like 40 just general friends, I want 6 really tight friends, but that just doesn't seem to be happening. I wish I'd hear from other Westfield people more often, I only talk to two or three people from home anymore.

Last weekend, a lot of things happened, I mean a lot. I'm actually somewhat embarrassed by my actions, though I certainly wasn't as bad as someone else. It was just really unlike me to act like I did, or like I have been the last few weekends, and I'm bothered that I was able to just switch personalities in the blink of an eye that I did. Something that really got under my skin was getting called incredibly vain, it's the type of comment that makes you hate yourself a few days later. Yeah, so what if I care about how I look? I do my best to look nice because I feel that it's a representation of how much I value myself, and I think I'm a pretty valuable guy. But it's more than that to me, it also covers up the nagging insecurities that I have about myself, and if I'm wearing an outfit that can distract people enough, then they don't notice them. But I'm getting there, slow as a retarded slug, to the person I want to be. I mean, if I was me, just the way I am, for the rest of my life, I think I'd do alright, but I've got a long way to go until I'm happy.

A friend brought up an interesting point at dinner, about forgetting things if you could. I don't think there's anything that I'd ever want to forget. I love the good stuff, and every bad thing has been a lesson learned, in one way or another. The mistakes, the lies, the tricks, the mischievous things that got me in trouble, the things I failed at. Each one of them is a reason that I'm the person I am, and I just can't imagine forgetting all the bad things. Looking back, I just don't understand how someone could want to forget anything in their life. Try thinking of the worst moment of your life, now think of the lesson that moment introduced you to, and how that lesson keeps you from doing something even dumber later in life.

Something else that been bothering me a lot lately is girls who bitch about not having guys interested in them, or that only a certain type of guy is interested in them, such as older creepy guys, or guys who are balding. I'll always listen to them vent, but it seriously sucks when at one point you were into the girl that's complaining that nobody ever is into them, and it's just kind of like, what the fuck, did you not have a brain for 2 1/2 years? Because if I wasn't obvious then, I figured something like prom might have been a good indicator or something, but hell I'm a guy, what do I know. But I'll stop this topic, because of the five people that know this exists, and the two that read it, one of them is bound to mentioned in something I talk about sooner or later.

It's about 12:30 am, and I think I'm going to call it a night soon. I don't have much else to say other than the generic I hate myself of a daily basis and act super happy and well adjusted to cover it up. I love me at the same time, but there's a version of me I know I'd love better out there. Time to get some much needed sleep.

Running Turkeys

Day to day life is something that is just incredibly hard to measure. Good days follow bad days, and bad days follow good days, yet the world keeps turning. Break that down even more and you can look at just one day, and the highs and lows that it provides and the drastic changes in your point of view.

I really have to say that the general quality of my life the last few days, maybe even a week now, has just been really outstanding, and it makes me wish that I could share this type of feeling with my friends in a way that they'd understand.

It's been a good two weeks since I've said anything on here, so there's a fair amount to cover.

Had a really pretty good Halloween weekend, went out with friends to a some parties on Friday and Saturday, played video games on Sunday. I was a pirate again, almost the exact same costume I wore last year, but who cares. Saw some people drink just a bit too much for their own good, but I had an eye on them so it was alright.

The week after Halloween was straight hell. Monday I had a presentation with a group, Tuesday was meeting with a debate group for several hours, Wednesday was an International Policy exam, Thursday was the debate I was hosting again mostly grad students about renewable energies, and Friday was a meteorology exam. To add it that, all I could wait for was this last weekend to go camping, which is a pretty decent lead into my next topic.

Went camping this weekend with a fantastic group of people, and I feel like I made three really good friends in the process, because I already considered myself good friends with the other 4. Looking at it, it seemed like it was going to be a really random group of people to go camping with, but it all turned out alright, and I think we all got along pretty well. #ThingsWeForgotToHashtag #AwkwardArm

Sorry, I didn't want to forget about that, it pertains to the sleeping arrangements of the trip haha.

Spent most of Saturday either cooking or at Turkey Run hiking, it was fantastic weather to be outside. Saturday night there was a considerable amount of disturbances in the dark that got people a little freaked out haha.

Yesterday evening I got asked if I wanted to sing bass for an a cappella group a friend is starting, and I'm super excited to see how this turns out, because as much as I enjoy Statesmen, smaller a cappella stuff is what I really enjoy, especially jazz.

Today I got to skype with Kaylee which was super fantastic to actually see her, so to speak, and catch up. I wish I'd hear from my other friends more often, I can't say that it doesn't bother me that they I don't hear from them more often, but I just have to look at that as how life goes, and at the end of the day it's their loss.

I don't have a ton of things left to say, life goes how it goes, and all I can do is hope for the best. Life is good, and I hope that it stays that way for a while.