Breaking Winter

So in the last week, I managed to go through a full tank of gas. That's twice as fast as I usually do, and it wasn't like poor driving, I still got about 250 miles to the tank, which is about what I usually get. But I have no idea how I managed to drive so much in just one week. So now, since I have no money, I find myself stuck at home for a week.

My low fuel light came on last night too. My parents refuse to give me money for gas, because they're on this whole thing that I have to be responsible for myself and crap. And my dad insists that I have money because I've been working now. I guess he doesn't understand that just like him, I get paid every other week, and that the pay session just started a week ago. So I can't go anywhere now.

I just about got all my christmas stuff done for friends and what not. Family wise, they all get to share one thing, and Im sure that Im going to get a bunch of crap for spending that much because my parents told me not to spend more than 15 dollars on anyone. I spent closer to 70 on each of them...

Also, I really don't like it when friends tell me they feel bad because they didn't get me anything in return. That's so not what Christmas is about. Sure stuff is nice, but I like giving stuff more than getting stuff. To add to that, I like buying the stuff for other people as much as I like giving it to them, despite the fact that some people are near-impossible to shop for.

I will say this, one of my friends got me a crazy sweet present. I now own a sword, like a full out, legit sword. It looks like a pirate sword, which is just going to make my captain hook costume all the better.

This last week of school was crazy stressing.

I had various tests and quiz's all week. I had bowling monday, wednesday, and friday. I had two concerts to juggle into the evenings, a field trip, another "field trip" from the band. It was just crazy.

I seriously need to clean my house today. I'm probably gonna go take a shower, do some laundry and what not.

-Might have another blog for later tonight.

Red Cars and The Dinosaur Farm

I have a mind-splitting headache right now, so this could end up being a terribly random update.

I must have been successful in texting Twitter in my sleep, because during 3rd period I saw that I sent it a message near 4 in the morning that read as follows...

"Never going to make it to the dinosaur farms with all these red xars in the way."

Im noting that xars should probably be cars, because all the way down 146th street was just a ton of red cars. And Im moderately convinced that I "sleepwalk" to some extent. It's the only conclusion I can draw now. That's twice now that I've sent a text in a dream, only to find that I sent it in real life, and it explains the mornings after a dream where I had some kind of extreme physical activity that I feel super sore and tired. Needless to say, tonight, my phone will be a bit farther away.

And in all reality, until I start either eating, breaking things, or driving in my sleep, I think it's hilarious and I don't plan to do anything about it.

So you.

You started it over a year ago, and when I tried to make an inquiry, you made it nearly impossible. Im super glad we're friends, but gosh, I want my space back to some extent. And all the days you ask me what's wrong, the thing that's wrong at the moment is that I do need my space, and I want you to cut the whole thing.

And you.

With you, it somewhat similar to the one above. I wanted to get to know you because we'd be spending most of the year together. That's what my intentions were. You made the intentions skew, and now you're almost too far to turn around. Nothing against you, but I feel like you treat me like a trend among your friend.

One more.

Yeah. Make a decisive action, because you seem to float about a lot, and it doesn't really work quite like that.

There's probably more to say in the grand picture. But Im super tired, going to wake up at 2 am to teach myself my AP Stats stuff, because ever since I changed spots I don't understand shit in that class, and the guy that's in my chair seems to understand everything now. I want the magic chair back. But it's probably just me being crazy.

I'm in crazy need of a decompression time, because everything is just crazy now. All I do anymore is either stay at school or play music. And now I'll be working again. but Im really glad of that, because I need money really, REALLY badly. And I won't say that I didn't like what swimming like every day over the summer did, because Im just floating around a 39 waist.

Winter Break may be just what I need.

As always, questions, comments, concerns, blah de blah, direct at me, blah de blah.

Running on My Hands

So for the title first, the degrading stuff second.

Well, I've been having really vivid and realist dreams lately, more and more. One day I had a dream that I got in a fight and beat the crap out of somebody. The next two days I was incredibly sore, like I worked out for the first time in months or something.

Last night, I was at school and it was a normal day, only I can't think back to doing anything I would have normally done. Then it was bonus period, and I was in a gym running, like really fast. And after bonus period I had to get home really fast. So I ran all the way home and I was passing every single car I saw. But I stopped at stop signs. And at one stop sign I sent twitter a text, "Passed a lot of people." Then kept running. Why did I have to get home? I had to run on my hands once I got home before I had to go see a movie with Sarah. I got home and started running on my hands, but was really distracted because Kacie was pregnant, but I kept running anyway.

That was my dream. So two things.

In the dream, I was working my arms a ton. Today they're been really sore.

Also, I DID send that text, only it went to Tim because I guess he was the first one in my inbox thing. So not only do I get sore from my dreams, but I apparently text people in them too.

Now the terrible part.

...

Actually. I lost most of the words. That might be a good thing.

It was something along the lines of how terribly useless I am in the grand scheme of the world, and how I can't even complete my own goals, so how could I ever be of use to anything. Then it was about friends with divorced parents. and stuff. Yeah, it'll come back at a terrible time sometime later.

:|

Fly Guts

Um. So if you look on facebook or twitter, you will find that at about 2:40 today, I caught a fly in my hand. It was pretty cool, because what happened was I was at my computer and saw something out of the corner of my eye and I decided to grab it out of the air. What wasn't pretty cool was all of it's guts on my hand...

It's been a week since I blogged, and there actually has been significant stuff.

I'm using LimeGreen again, there's a hunk of 6 months missing though, shows how good I was at that haha. Took the ACT's again this morning. Unsure of how this one went. I felt like I was doing really well, but was scrambling to get the last 15 done each time. Had my audition for the musical on thursday. I felt like my acting was just ok, but my singing went pretty well.

There's a few roles I'd really like, but I don't think I'll get them in all honesty.

When I talked to Wessel a few weeks back about the musical, ok more like middle of first trimester, but when I asked her about it, she was keen on telling me lots of information about the barbershop quartet of teachers that's in it, and nothing else. Sure, I like barber shop, but they aren't like a full role in my eyes, because they all appear at once, and don't have as an individual. Ever.

And somebody, who will remain nameless, got REALLY cocky about the musical. And he used to be really humble about everything, but all he would talk about on thursday was how he had to get to his callback and stuff, and almost tried to put me down for not getting one. News flash: I've never gotten a callback for a musical, and I've gotten pretty good roles every time. Other new flash: I only got a call back once, and it was for probably the smallest role I've ever had, regardless of how funny it must have been to see me in a toga that was only 6 inches below my waist.

Now going onto thursday again, as soon as I got out of my audition musicals of three years past slapped me in the face. I walked out of the auditorium going through trumpet fingerings of "Singing in the Rain". Got to my car and realized I was humming "Baby, Talk to Me." Then while driving I started singing "Many Moons Ago" like I did nearly every day during last years musical, sadly it was a lot better than it ever was on stage. Then I remembered all the choreography from "Normandy". And finally, I thought about the scene within the Wizard's Chamber, and how Zack had flattered me by telling me every night that he was honored to have his last scene in high school be with me. Oh, nostalgia. You're a dirty little sneak.

Not Quite Dime-a-Dozen

Dime-a-Dozen is going to be my next tangent, but I think it's going to be quite time consuming, and I don't have the time for that.

In short, it will most likely end up being a rant on today's teenagers, and their mediocre uniformness to one another. It hit me last night at the concert for the invisible children, when I looked around and noticed that maybe 1 in every 30 girls there stood out from the rest. Even in height they were all the same. Same hair style, clothes, attitude, fawning look at the ones on stage that they all so willingly deemed hot.

It pretty much made me sick, and I lost a lot of hope for the future of creativity and being an individual.

But enough, different tangent now.

So Chris...

The trumpet choir this year is playing Sonoran Desert Harmonies. It's a pretty cool piece, and it's not that hard at all. But what Chris is demanding of the group is a bit extreme. He has the group meeting essentially every day during bonus period. Something that I can't do, as I've explained to him several times, that I'm an officer in clubs that meet every single bonus period, and I need to be there. Still, he plans them for when I can't attend, so naturally, I'm not there.

Well I think that my group has meet, once? And an entire group meeting once? I can't help that I have meetings to run, and missed those things.

Over this three day weekend, I had limited things planned anyway, and set aside a large portion of time for music. Well Michael Block informed me during jazz band that Chris had gone off trash talking me after school, and that he was moving me to a different part because I messed up a rhythm that appears 6 times, each time. Otherwise though, I did fine. But anyway, after playing it for easily 3 hours yesterday, Chris called me. As always, I did not answer, and listened to his voicemail. He told me that he was switching my part, and putting me on 4th. I didn't call back.

In fact, I'm playing it that I don't even know where my phone is. I don't even plan to have it at school until wednesday actually now. It's going to turn out to be in my tux pants that I wore for choir on thursday. Thus, I never got his voicemail, and thus I continued to practice my part, and have it neatly polished.

Im too good at this.

But the way he was acting to my attendance reminded me of something, granted my case is not nearly as severe.

Marching band.

Chris missed probably 4 of 5 practices on average.

Chris never came to sectionals.

Chris was constantly late when he did show up.

Chris's not being there constantly threw off the rest of the section

He simply ignored my constant warnings and threats to him.

And now the tables are turned.

I missed practices that he had wanted me at.

But on the contrary. I told him I couldn't go on those days, and there's only been two.

The difference is though, that I am still section leader.

But here's my thought.

Why should I not act exactly as he did in order to make a point?

I've done it thus far, and he's furious. He's understanding what he made me feel like during marching band, regardless of wether he notices it or not.

So I might just go on with poor attendance, and not care what he has to say about it, just as he did during marching band.

Eating your own medicine sucks.

Brick Walls, Painted White

Today I was asked a strange question, which was made slightly awkward because of who was around when it was asked. Bless your hearts little underclassmen, not really.

So I was minding my own business, for once I really was I swear. Along came a group of sophomores and freshmen, more so freshmen, who think that we're "great" friends. I couldn't name them all if you paid me. At first it was just kind of the normal conversation that occurs, hi, how's life, blah de blah de blah. Then, slipped into the conversation as if it was totally normal, was a question that only one other person has asked me not on a one-to-one basis, that person being Dimitrius, gotta love that kid.

"John, do you have a girlfriend?"

Had it not taken me for such a loop, I probably would have started laughing.

I asked why they wanted to know. I also became aware that they were all listening quite intently, and that I was surrounded by a mob of underclassmen girls.

They replied that according to facebook, I was married, and asked for an explanation.

OK, hold the line for one second. I didn't even know I was friends with these people on facebook!

Alright, stop holding the line, you'll get a rope-burn.

I informed them that I am not married, nor in a relationship of any sort. I also tried to find a way to escape because I was against a wall.

Another chimed in, asking "how come?"

*Note here* If you don't know me, my morals are kind of super-binding about relationships. I didn't want to explain them to them either.

I simply told them because. And being like twice their size and older, what were they gonna do about it? Because in that situation, "because" becomes quite an acceptable answer.

They continued to tell me that I should have a girlfriend because Im a senior and I know a lot of people. -Im still laughing that "because Im a senior, Im supposed to have a girlfriend"

I told them that just because I'm a senior, that doesn't mean I want nor need a girlfriend.

"But who are you going to prom with?!"

Really now?I don't know, and right now don't care. That's the other end of the year.

And with that, I got a text message, which I played off as a phone call so I could walk away to "talk". I don't think the timing of that message could have been much better.

Now aside from the question itself that was awkward and random, was that I'm 100% sold that at least two of the girls in that group are crushing on me. Flattering, yet undesired. They'll soon come to the cold hard realization, and probably crush on some other senior that has no interest in them. Poor, silly underclassmen.

But that actually got me thinking, because I ended up running through my morals in my head, and I deemed that they needed some tweaking.

Everything good and grand(the stuff that was part of my morals previously) still stands.

But I deemed this while trying to think as realistically as I could and not make myself any kind of exception to the entire male gender.

For starters, there's always gonna be cute girls who would be dateable, and being a guy in high school, Im probably going to end up noticing them. Some of those girls are soon labeled as "second place" girls.

Because, though not confirmed because males often lack the wording, there's almost always one girl who "takes the cake". The one that if you were to be in a relationship with anyone, you would pick that one. Im not saying that I have one or not, that's not what this post is about.

I came to the conclusion of this.

To end up in a relationship with a "second place" person, is just unfair to both persons. I would probably end up still pursuing the one who "takes the cake", despite the other girl. And that I would probably treat her as such, like second place. That just sets people up to get hurt.

So the additional moral is...

"Second place" girls, are officially off limits as well.

A "second place" may only become applicable if the "first place" becomes off limits due to other restricting morals.

A very binding rule, even I think so. But not matter which way I ran with the idea, I felt that it was correct.

Im sure that some day this will be brought up, and someone will find a way to say that Im totally wrong about all my morals and stuff. Don't care. My life, my set of morals.

I also regret that I was unable to find better terminology for each girl, because "second place" and "takes the cake" just seems terribly degrading to me, which goes to another moral, go figure.

That's all for this really odd post. I promise not to have many more of these, if any.

Questions,

Comments,

Concerns,

You know how to reach me.

Well, if you're reading this, hopefully you know me well enough to know how to reach me. If not, you're just really, really creepy.

November's End

Today, was extremely tolling on me.

Went to school, and it went alright, and just alright.

After school I made an ass of myself in my mind. Made up a story that I had to go to Fishers for my work so that I wouldn't have to be stuck with Chris. Actually went home and watched Beauty and the Beast on my computer.

Bowling was super awesome. Got 2 1/2 games in. Was staying neck and neck with one of the starters today, though he ended up beating me both times from a slip up in the 6th frame.

But my second game I got a 154, and if I continue to score like that, I could for sure end up a sub, if not the 5th starter, granted I get some more practice.

Went and got milkshakes after.

Came home, checked email.

Oh shit.

I don't even want to think through it again, those that know, know, that that don't know, ask.

Watched more Disney to return me to a normal heart rate.

The Half-Finished Christmas List

The current time is 7:11

But by the time anyone reads this,

No, by the time this is even published, the time will no longer by 7:11.

Friday rounded out very nicely.

I got everything on my list, as well as pocketed 50 dollars in gift cards

Was home by 8.

Slept until 11.

Then set up a tv.

Then did some chatting with an out of town friend. Or maybe that was thursday, oh well.

Watched the stuff downtown get all lit up.

Saturday I woke up by 8. I was kind of certain that I wasn't going to sleep through all of break.

I tried to transfer files to the external hard drive I bought. I want to be able to play games off of the hard drive, which means I can take my games anywhere. Think about it. Through just a usb port, I can play all of the sims, anywhere. Heck, if I really wanted to, I could take it to school, and play! But, the only one that I can get to work totally with no snags right now is Spore. Saturday afternoon I hung out with Tim on his roof. Then watched probably the worst movie I've ever seen: Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter.

Today, Sunday, I was bored, for a very long time. But because I was bored, I decided to trying synching up my phone with my computer, an urgent, overdue reminder then popped up on my screen about the musical. I remember putting in that reminder over a year ago when I had a terrible audition. I clicked the reminder, and it turns out I had even picked out a song already. This year, I was leaning to "I want to be a producer", but according to the me a year ago, I will be singing the chimney sweep song from Marry Poppins, and I can do it acappela, and it's just about memorized. But I got that picked, then facebook chatted for a while with possibly the one person who talks to me on the chat that isn't some underclassman that I don't know.

Meanwhile in the Mushroom Kingdom...

It was a wonderful day, turning into a mildly chilly evening. Mario and Luigi had just finished preparing for the holidays, and were planning a get together for the evening. Toad was clear to go, DK was out to eat with their family, and Yoshi was spending some quality time with their family. Their friend was all set to come over, and had previously said that they would be able to come, until suddenly things changed. Bowser arose from the mist and snatched their friend away, dragging him screaming all the way back to the evil castle. Their friend was not heard from for the rest of the night...

Me, right now, I couldn't really feel better. Well, I have a stomach ache from too much pancake batter... BUT other than that Im good. I remember waking up on Thursday with a mindset, and I feel like I made up my mind, so that's not bad at all. I have an ideal plan to life, but it will need just the right timing to pull it off, but never the less, I'm more/less looking forward to it.

Oh! And the secret plan is coming along nicely...

The current time is 7:29

Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, Toad and DK

So today was Thanksgiving. It went about as well as it could have gone, what with being cooped up in the house with just the family. Dinner was kind of awkward, but most of them are by now, because we don't really talk at dinner anymore, so it's usually just an hour of silence. Julie's boyfriend ate with us too, he's actually too good for her, AND, he's scottish, accent and everything.

I picked out everything that Im getting for black friday tomorrow, people will be meeting at my house at 3:30 in the morning, and it will probably be snowing. I also meant to get gas before hand, but I think a quarter of a tank will be fine, plus I need to save every dollar I can.

Im not really sure what else I can say about the Mushroom Kingdom, nothing really changed about that today. Mario has talked with all of them today, he's talking to Yoshi now actually, who is still out of town. Maybe tomorrow something will come up and they'll be able to see their friend and sneak him out of Bowsers evil clutches for good.

So what was I thankful for today?

1. That I have not been killed by zombies yet

2. That my family is still able to take care of themselves when so many are not due to economic situations

3. I have a family, not matter how much I dislike them, they'll be there for me if I need them

4. My friends, who are in some cases closer than members of my biological family

5. Myself. It might sound super self centered, but Im fairly glad that I am who I am. Sure, I have tons of imperfections, on top of self image/esteem issues, which typing both of those in the same sentence was probably not the best move haha. But I've come a long way in 17 years, and it's neat to look back and think about what's changed. But the thing that I might be most thankful for right now is that I was able to help out a friend who needed an ear and some feedback. It happens to be the same friend that I found myself unable to help a while back(which I also posted a story on here about with a title something about a black and white movie I think). But Im super glad that Im even that much better, even though the situation was different, I felt terrible for not being able to help before, and I like to think I made up for it a little bit tonight.

6. Everything else that I forgot.

And while in a reminiscing mood. I think back to a year ago, because this is another land mark time of year where I remember exactly what I was doing. And I hate to say it, but I think Im close to where I was then. But that being said, it's a 100% different scenario, and things might actually work this time in my favor.

Now, I should really get to bed. I'll be going on like 5 hours of sleep for black friday. Wooo!

Down, Down, Spiraling Down

Um, just, wow.

So if you're reading this, you probably know me well enough to know that I think of a fair number of my friends like family. I just can't seem to make things work anymore. It's like, if I put focus on one thing, 3 other things go down the tubes. So that being said, it brings me to state the newest downfall. But I can't, because I gave the go-ahead to fly on their own. But what happened tonight just another big issue in an increasingly long chain. You constantly keep secrets now, you're snippy with the people that call you family, brother even. You ignore our attempts to get a hold of you. You constantly blow us off to hang out with other people, even things that you KNOW we are going to do. Like running, you know when we run. Bowling, you know when practice is. Dinners, you're sitting right there with us when we make plans. Still, you continue to make other plans, and just say that you can't come. You used to always tell me everything that was anything. You know some of my worst and most closely guarded secrets, and now you're on the loose. And that makes me terribly uncomfortable.

Today, was looking to be a good day. I don't think so anymore. It's looking like another night that I don't sleep. But what makes it worse is I can't even tell anyone about this.

I need to grow up.

Fate, Im Trusting You To Put This On the Right Track

This evening, was opening night.

I feel like it went fairly well. They laughed at stuff that wasn't funny, and didn't laugh at stuff that was supposed to be, but that happens with every show.

SPAR. My mom flat out said this. Im getting really sick of seeing Ginny on stage all the time, there's plenty of other girls, and Ginny just looks like a diva bitch all the time, she then held up the picture of her in the newspaper to further her point. I love my mom.

Check, Please. That's my show. I think it was in the top 95% of the performances I've done of it. They finally game my table glasses with water, after I had been asking for like a week. It was odd though, because I wasn't used to having to be careful with a full glass, nor finding a time to drink it.

This is a Test, I didn't really pay attention to.

Sometimes, I've just gotta smile and think it will all work.

I had one of those smile moments. I don't really feel like I can escape "fate". And Im not sure that I want to use the word, fate, exactly. But whatever it is, it seems to keep coming back to get me. When I thought I messed things up in a royal manner last friday, I kind of did. Like. I just can't even put it into words.

When you can't find the right words to life, sometimes fate steps in a lets you know that words aren't necessary.

With The Strength of a Great Typhoon

Not a bad day today at all.

Band went well, actually got some stuff done. Shut Chris up once when he came over to talk to Collin, then added that he wanted me to play out because my part wasn't strong enough on the passage we just played since Im the only one playing those notes. I promptly informed him that for those 30 some measures we play the exact same thing. Then when Sands was drilling the 5 of us over and over again on one set of rhythms, which took me 3 tries to get it ironed out, by the 15th time I was getting aggravated. Mr. Sands flat out called Chris out that he needed to stop making up rhythms and learn to count, and that he shouldn't have to say that to a senior. I'm always the only one on my part, and never has Mr. Sands called me out because Im playing it wrong, even when we break it down into parts and I'm playing by myself.

I dare say that I'm section leader after that.

Stats was alright.

Lit we talked about the reading we did last night.

Vocal I tried to not say a word and I still got death stares. Though I personally loved having just two bass's instead of three. Kyle's got throat stuff going on and didn't sing today. He's super nice, but I felt like it was so much better with just Kent and I.

Gov we just talked about the test tomorrow.

Today I went around on two feet, and right now my right foot Really hurts. I don't think I'm ready to be walking on it full time at all.

Life dilemmas as always.

Black Friday is coming up soon, and I can't wait. There are already adds and catalogs online.

Green Shells

...

I feel, so incredibly worthless right now, and there was nothing today that should have made me feel like that, at least not this bad.

Lets run through the day.

Band was band, no problems there.

Next was prob and stats, a bit stressed about keeping up, but still nothing too bad.

Lit & Comp we just finished a movie and talked about our next book.

Vocal, alright, I will say that Wessel super pissed me off today.

Im going to the choir room from Mr. Wachtel's room. Not that hard. Only thing is that in that class I don't leave early because often times he is talking up until the bell, and I don't want to miss anything, so thus I leave when the bell rings. Next, it's incredibly difficult to get through the hallways. The school only has one working elevator, and both Tim's locker and my locker are on the second floor, on the other side of the building from the one working elevator. Add in the factor that people that don't need the elevator use it and I then have to wait on it often times. By the time that Tim and I get down there to the Choir room, Im easily 5 minutes late. Yesterday Wessel bitched at me that I was too late, and that I have no excuse to be so late with 8-BY THE WAY, THERE ARE NOT WESSEL- people coming from the same class. I can't help it that they all say they'll push me, and then all leave. And regardless of who would be pushing me, I still have to go to my locker, which is still on the second floor, which is still only accessible by the one elevator that is far away from it, which is still just as far from the choir room. It's not like Im just sitting around in the hallways chatting.

Im basically done caring about choir now, I can't stand it. Right now, if I could quit, I would without a doubt. I took freaking online classes so I could make it fit into my schedule. It never matters what I do, Im always the one to blame in choir, every time something goes wrong. I tested it actually. There was a period of 8 days straight that the only time I spoke was when it pertained to the music. And each day, Wessel still stared at me every time something went wrong, every time someone wouldn't shut up, every time somebody didn't have their music. So right now, Im in a fuck it mood about that class. It's not like I can fail it. I mean, I don't know what else I can do to show that I care, I was in the ER the night before we had a performance and still managed to get there, drugged up and all. Did Wessel care? Nope. And for the record Wessel, different medications have different side effects on different people. Vicadin is a pain reliever, just because it makes most people tired doesn't mean it makes all people tired. The nurse at the ER flat out said that it would do one of two things. Make me incredibly tired, or make me incredibly hyper and over active- then incredibly tired. Just because you don't seem to believe that does not make it a lie for me to act out. If I want to move Kent's chair, I will, whatever drug Im on has nothing to do with it, and to call me out in front of the class and essentially call me a liar was unprofessional and made you look like a real bitch to me. If you happen to be in Vocal, Im sorry. Im still going to sing in class, but otherwise I don't give a shit. Im not going to make any strides to get better, not going to review my music out of class anymore. Im getting my A, and that's all the effort I plan to put into it.

Government was fine.

Nothing for bonus period, so Collin was wheeling me around and it was innocent fun.

Then Adams decided to bitch me out about how she said I couldn't be in the wheelchair. For starters, yesterday you said that I couldn't be in the wheelchair to perform, despite how I explained that Im unable to understand the mechanics of crutches. She never once yesterday mentioned that my being in a wheelchair was unsafe for others, was pulling up her stage tape, was slowing down the whole production, techies and all. Sorry for my injury being a burden, I didn't sleep in my own bed for 3 nights because I couldn't get up the stairs. I still can't drive my car. I think I of all people know what a burden it is. Then you told me that I had to get rid of the wheelchair, that I couldn't have it backstage in the dressing rooms. Yeah, because I can just make wheelchairs disappear at your fucking whim Adams. My plans were to stay off of my foot through wednesday, so that I could eliminate as many chances to mess it up again as I could. But no. I got to spend the next 5 hours feeling like I was going to vomit at any minute because I took extra vicodin so I would be able to walk.

I then left rehearsal early because I had to run a chem show at the intermediate school. Other than feeling like I was going to vomit the whole time, it went pretty good. And again, people- strangers- asked what I was doing once I graduated, and urged me to go into education, as well as telling McLean to grab me and get me into education. Look, I've considered teaching since 2nd grade, but there's no money in it at all, so there's your answer life.

That's enough of a word-baby for tonight. I didn't even touch on anything even close to important. So tomorrow, I plan on being rather shut down. Because I can't get in trouble for doing nothing. But, knowing me, I probably will.

Sometimes, I wish my parents had only spoken to me in a british accent when I was little. That way, its what I would have picked up on, and I would speak like I was british.

Fate Hath Kicked Me in Thy Balls

Running through the dark has never gone so wrong for me.

The irony, is that moments before, I was thinking about how agile I was, and how much fast I felt like I could run. But that's not the best part of the irony. But I guess now I need to back track a bit.

My foot, has a sprain.

My ankle, has a sprain.

I can't walk.

Can't drive.

Can almost stand.

And, I hate crutches.

Because I hate crutches, I have been hoping everywhere.

Because I have been hopping everywhere, my abs have gotten an insane workout the last few days. I woke up this morning, and couldn't understand why I was so sore. But then I realized that all the movements I was doing were super core-intensive. But my abs still hurt.

Now, to the part in which I now feel like fate took a cheap shot at me.

I had a thought on Friday afternoon, and I wanted to hang out with somebody. I even found that they were free that evening. I kept myself from asking them if they wanted to do anything, because I had already 90% committed to the people that I was going to hang out with. But even driving to meet them, I fought the urge to call the other person up and ask if they wanted to do something. I know the people I was meeting would have plenty of fun without me, and yet I didn't call. For the next hour, I still wondered if it would be too late to call and do something.

Eventually, the feeling subsided, and I went with the flow of the evening.

Then I remember being on the ground, some swearing, lots of rolling, in a car, then in the ER. Once I was being wheeled around the ER, I realized I probably blew a nice opportunity.

So because of that, and ignoring my gut, I've spent the weekend totally immobilized.

Should something like this happen again, my friends will understand why Im busy.

Thaw, Freeze, Repeat

So at the current moment, I feel like I was punched really hard in my left eye. It hurts like crazy just to blink, and it feels swollen, but I don't recall being hit, at all.

Got a haircut today too. I think it's going to look Super good, like one of the best haircuts I've gotten in a while.

First trimester is turning out quite alright. Symphonic band is super fun, playing with people who are actually good. I don't miss concert band like at all.

--Went to jazz band for the first time today. I was happy to see THREE freshman trumpets there. Michael returned as I expected him. Within minutes I remembered why I got so bloody sick of him. He NEVER shuts up. Like as soon as we stop playing he has to say something. And finally to my distress, Eddie picked up jazz band. I was talking to others, saying that "you guys could use a real trumpet player", all jokingly. He huffed and puffed and got all super mad, so I let him solo for a bit, he tried and failed terribly, on a concert B-flat solo rift, the very key that his instrument is in. I then soloed, totally off the top of my head, and did a very nice improv solo, though it turns out Sands was looking for me to do a blues/pop solo, and not the lyrical jazzy one that came out haha. But good god. I wish Eddie would stop trying to do everything. He apparently wants to do a solo this year too for ISSMA, I was talking to Dave about it. He said that if Eddie hadn't already started it, then he wasn't going to waste his time helping him, because even the simplest solo would take Eddie forever to learn.--

2nd period is AP Stats. I've never loved a math class as much as this one. I'm like 95% fully understanding everything we talk about. Then comes AP Lit, which is about the same as always. 4th period is Vocal Jazz. We sing. 5th period is government. I think Im going to love that class. Galovic likes me already, and I sit by Sarah Patton, whom Galovic likes too. Overall Im loving this trimester.

Not a ton else to say, but I feel like I should have a lot more, because there really is more going on in my life. Maybe Im just officially out of different light bulbs to plug in. Maybe all that's left is action. Let me see what flipping the switch does.

You're growing on me, but I still just don't see it. We're so similar that we're totally different. But I know, at the very least I've another close friend.

I feel like Im choking on my heart it gets beating so fast some times. I have no idea how to read you, and I don't think that anyone else really does either. But then again, I could very well just be the only one.

You don't fit in with the above, but I'm saying this all the same. Similarities are astounding. The same book in a different binding almost. It's creepy and flattering at the same time, and I'll probably never explain that to anyone, ever, not ever a last person in the car.

Also, for those that look at my tweets, the definition of "Last person left in the car", which I think I used a day or two ago, means this.

A person who either is driving me somewhere, or I am driving somewhere, that basically gets a straight, no strings, answer to whatever they want to ask, often no restrictions. These persons aren't huge in number, but there's more than enough.

And again to those that follow twitter, Too Big To Tweet, was in a twitter thing, and it also happens to be the title of my last post, which I choose not to advertise.

Gonna go play trumpet for the remainder of the night, shooting for 2 hours tonight. Audition repertoire is kind of kicking my ass all over the place. Looking at 21 minutes of essentially non-stop playing of stuff that is currently partially beyond my skill set.

Too Big to Tweet

I feel like I have a bunch of things I want to say, and just an empty room to say them in.

Odds are, that I will not report to twitter about this ENR, so those who find it find it.

The following are a collaboration of good and bad things that I feel like putting into twitter and facebok status's alike, but simply won't because of the things that would ensue.

I did it. I think it took nearly four years, but I've managed to make longer hair go from looking juvenile to professional on me. Granted, I don't think I'll be able to wear it this long for much longer, but for now I can look like a grown up with it.

I have to get a haircut tomorrow for the fall plays. Not a ton, but just enough to get rid of the frazzled ends, because it doesn't look sleek so much and fuzzy.

I can't believe that I didn't just say it. When asked if I was mad at someone who I've been mad at for ages, I said no. Problem being, I'm around them too much to make it known that I can't stand them. No, not Chris.

Symphonic band is looking fun, but Im terribly confused at the same time. Im the part A trumpet, and the only one. For the last three years, the section leader has been part A, and since I'm the only one, I would assume that makes me section leader. Chris is trying to act as though he's in charge though, despite that nobody wants to listen to him.

I hate being stuck in the crossfire of arguing parents. I can't stand to be at home nights like this. I've always said that I'm just going to stay at home during college, but I just can't see it working anymore.

I really want to go to Butler, but to be blunt, I don't think Im smart enough for them to accept me. I love their music program too. IU is another good option for me though, and because they have such a large area of study, it would be easier for me if I change my mind. There's also large incentives for me to go to IU, and they have a pretty good music program too. I just don't know.

I don't have a clue what I want to do with my life. I really want to stay with music, but I need something more competitive in this day and age if I actually want to make any money.

I don't know what Im expected to think about either of you. You're both great. I see myself with one a lot easier than the other. I just don't know though. Some days it seems far too perfect and just waiting for the last piece to fall into place, and other times I feel like Im a complete fool.

I found the checks I was missing, so there's 70 bucks, I've hidden away 40 dollars somewhere in my room apparently at the beginning of the summer. I apparently left myself clues to where it is too. Going to get paid this weekend too. Saving everything that I don't have to spend on gas. Might get close to 200 dollars by black friday.

I had a really exciting game of bowling tonight. 3 strikes in frames 1-9. Frame 10, 2 strikes and 8. Might have counter acted my 3 gutter-balls ha.

Sometimes I wish more people could read my mind. I wouldn't feel so sneaky if they could. And reading my mind is basically as easy as asking.

Standing Pompously

Last few nights.

Failures.

Last night conversations.

Redeeming.

Current mood.

Upright yet top-heavy.

Current goal.

Unconfirmed.

As god is my witness, Im going to find my use.

Big League Dreamers

I have so

much to say now

and none of the words.

Bears.

This is life

and what I want

is the opt out switch.

Are Often.

Fuel tank is

near riding on empty

no gas station in sight.

Relentless.

I hate haikus.

I thought they would help.

They didn't.

End.

Ninjas Make Good Use of Tripwires

I've been saying for a while now that my next post will be about this or that or something, and Im gonna do my best to follow all of them.

First off: Chris Nagy

I think when I decided to do this we were at lunch and he was bringing up the sectional I hit him in the head repeatedly, thus ending the sectional.

1. The way he looks.

I think I hate his hair the most of anyone that I've ever seen, all it does is make him look gayer, which I wouldn't mind if he wasn't self-hating. He CONSTANTLY needs to shave. He shaves like maybe every two weeks, and it's disgusting. His eyes look like he's always squinting, not in an Asian way, in a way the he always looks like he's squinting. His face is terribly angular and it looks like he's sucking his cheeks in all the time.

2. He thinks people like him.

I can't count the number of times that he talks to somebody and once he's gone they start mocking him and what he was talking about. He tries to invite himself places. He tries to turn people against their other friends so that he can have more attention.

3. He only wants attention.

He will talk forever and forever if you let him, and about nothing important. He just wants the attention that it gets him.

4. He's dumb as fuck.

Yeah, he might know music stuff, but Im pretty sure I'd rather not have to cheat off of freshmen and sophomores to pass my classes than to know music terms. It's impossible to have an intellectual conversation with him as well.

5. He thinks that he doesn't need to practice.

Constantly during marching band he would just skip entire rehearsals, be they evening or for a competition. It made it incredibly hard for the people who were trying to guide to him to learn their spots, because he was never there. I made sure that he received NO credit for any sectionals during marching band. And now that we're done with marching band, he's all into band again, thinking that he'll be in charge soon.

6. He's only out for himself.

Jazz band last year, was Chris Nagy, accompanied by the WHS Jazz Band, featuring Chris Nagy. Everything he does is to make himself look good, and anyone else who he sees as a threat to look bad.

7. He can't count rhythms.

He can't. That's why he always has to get his music early from Mr. Sands so he can put it into his program and listen to it so he knows how to play it. You can't teach music if you can't count freaking rhythms.

8. More that I can even think of.

Alright, that's done- to an extent. Now on to another idea I had, last night actually.

1. To believe that you're Really that dumb and inconsiderate just astounds me. Three very recent examples.

-Haunted Trails on Wednesday. Somehow necropolis came up, and that was fine until you decided to look right at me and say out loud that I was on a date that night, and when I said it was not a date you decided to then yell that it was a date. I had plans to go out with her that night, yes, but instead we got invited there and she really wanted to go there. For starters, I hate group dates just about as much as I hate anything, if I think that I want to go out with someone, I want to be with them, not a crowd. Two, in a group people can retell stories about it later, and change them. That night was most certainly not a date, and I don't think I even said 5 sentences to the person I was supposedly on a date with. I've told you not to bring that up ever because that was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made, which you also helped to cause by being one of the people to convince me to go out with her.

-Same night actually, talking to somebody else, rather loudly. You decided to talk to them about how my car was just the trash can for our group, then laugh loudly about it. You cunt, my car is nicer than yours and I actually own it, so shut the fuck up. And by the way, my trunk is covered in fake blood and it wont come out of the fabric.

-Saturday. We were at your house watching movies and having a good time. And you mentioned that it was the first time that Tim and I had been over and there were more girls than guys, which was true as Bret was not there yet. Then you decided to say one more thing. "But there was the one time that you brought Ariel over with you." Like you wanted to start a discussion about that. Tim wasn't exactly pleased with what happened, you should know that. And sitting by him, it was easy to tell that he disapproved of that comment as much as I did the comment on Wednesday.

You are by far one of the most rude and inconsiderate friends that I have. And I'm not sure that I'd be friends with you if you didn't know so much stuff that you shouldn't know. And you wonder why you never get to know anything new about me? Because within two days you'll have told 15 people.

2. I simply can not imagine the last 5 years without you, it's quite impossible. But this last month I feel like you're trying to overshadow me. I say hi to somebody at a football game that you don't know, so you strike up a conversation with them, cutting me off, and give them a hug, still not knowing their name. I have an idea to do something, you come up with one little change and suddenly the whole thing is your idea. It's stuff like that.

3. We all thought that you'd be back to your old self after finally getting rid of the extra baggage, but it's become apparent that you don't remember who that old self is, and your new self is kind of a bust. You're still one of my best friends ever, but Im still going to try to find the old you.

4. Look. I've been there, almost exactly where you are. We're like the same book with just a different binding, and you're a mere chapter or two behind, and you just need to know that it almost all gets better, but for now it's gonna kinda suck, and the best thing you can do is convince yourself that you're happy, it will be exhausting but you'll gain an immunity to it soon enough. You used to be so upbeat all the time, but when I see you it's like you've flatlined. Life may be rough, but don't give up on yourself, and know that you have friends that you can count on, just don't keep them in the dark. Halloween is over, so go take off the makeup and remember who you are, because it sucks and that analogy was first used by me like 18 months ago. You rock, the front you put up doesn't, and it doesn't fool nearly as many people as you think it does.

5. Really. Just face it, you're not me, and you can't replace me. Try to be your own kind of friend instead of the title that I've held longer than you've even known them.

Next.

Halloween was just ok. First year that I didn't go trick or treating and it was really strange. This last week brought about a ton of memories, a lot that go a year back.

In 08.

It was kind of a terrible, huge, mega mistake to ever do that, and if I had a time machine I would undo it in a heartbeat.

I had intentions to be blatantly obvious in my actions exactly one year back. But a year and one day back I read something on facebook that, by my morals, slammed me to a halt, and was confirmed in my overhearing one year back. So for almost a year, I settled. Now things have changed drastically once more, and I'm placed into the same situation and with quite similar ideas.

___________________________________

More to this whole thing exists, but Im terribly sick of typing, and I don't want to think back much more, because things change, and the past can only be used for comparison now.

And I guess that some of this is really easily read to some people who know enough, and gibberish to others. And to others who can't easily read this, well, I don't mind divulging the proper information to the all of 0 people that probably read this.

They Called Us Down Front

Today, was over all a good day.

School was school as it always is. I sang. I learned about Australia- did you know that platypus's are venomous?!?! Yeah, they've got like a poisonous barb on their hind legs. I watched commercials for products that aren't real. Then we talked about a book and bull fights, I slept through some of it. Played music on my trumpet, which was the last time I'll play any of it ever again. Became a lady for a costume contest. Won the "Adam's Award". Played make-believe, which actually means ran through Check Please. Then I had planned on going to Haunt some Trails, but it was rained out. So then I ate some Wendy's. Played my trumpet some more, got in uniform. Played school songs for the last time as well as Bollywood for the last time. Lead the band in one more "Yell", which was so nice that I got my name singled out my senior year. Though my throat hurts quite a bit now, I still am glad I did it.

So now I kind of think Im going to miss marching a lot more than I thought I would, but it was a good four years and it taught me a lot that I can use outside of band. And if you told me, as a freshman, that I would grow into someone who's done everything that I have, I would not have believed you, at all. I had no idea that I would be who I am now, sitting where Im sitting, and I owe a lot of it to being in marching band and the experiences that I gained and lessons I learned. Done with being nostalgic now.

A three legged race, my partner and I fell down, but it doesn't matter at all, because it's not about the winning at all. So we ended up just laying there laughing watching the race. That could be the most insightful thing I've ever written on here, or the most meaningless thing, I don't know exactly.

Oven. I actually just didn't want to being with another "So", thus I typed Oven.

Oven, I could be just seeing what I want to see in life currently, though it's just kind of lined up so nicely that I can't help but wonder.

MLIA

So, I'm now kind of addicted to it.

"Today, my daughter and I were in the car, listening to the radio. She turns to me and says, "Why does everyone sing about love? Why don't they make songs about normal things, like cheese and sandwiches?" I don't know, dear. MLIA"

"Today, I witnessed my 7-year-old sister standing up to a bully at the playground, who was making fun of her asian eyes. Before I could get there to stop him, my sister kicked the kid in the balls, and stood over him saying "Yeah, my eyes are squinty, but you can't have kids anymore. Loser." I feel she will do great things in the future. MLIA"

"Today, to humor my little sister, I was watching JONAS with her. It was some episode where they were hunting a ghost. Nick was 'captured' by the ghost in the middle of it, and as they were searching for him, Kevin cried "Check the closet!" I'm glad that even Disney knows where to find the Jonas Brothers. MLIA"

"Today, I was waiting at a rather deserted bus stop very late at night. Three big ghetto guys approached and asked for directions. One of them started to cross the street, but the other two grabbed him and said "No, man, you gotta look both ways before you cross the street." Good to know that gangsters are concerned about street safety, too. MLIA"

"Today I was chatting online with a friend who lives down the hallway. He "nudged" me, so I "nudged" him. Five seconds later he ran into my room, yelled "NUDGE", pushed me off my chair, and ran off. The war has now begun. MLIA"

"Today I had to pick up my twin sister's 8 year olddaughter up from school early to take her to the dentist. When I got to her class she was in the middle of a verbal spelling test. The teacher asked "How would you spell cough?" My neice replied, "C-O-F-F. Cough." "Well, the dictionary would say it was "C-O-U-G-H." My neice looked confused for a moment and then said "Yes, but you asked my how I'D spell it, not the dictionary. I walked in and gave her a high-five. MLIA"

"Today, my mom told me that when I was little, I loved playing on my nintendo at night, so she would have to check on me every 15 minutes to make sure I wasn't playing it. A few months later, she figured out that I had been setting my alarm clock to go off every 14 minutes, and I would play it until the alarm went off, then pretend to be asleep. Way to go, little me. MLIA"

"Today, I was humming the Mission Impossible theme song as I was walking through Target. Suddenly a guy walked by humming the James Bond theme song. We both paused and stared at one another, then he made a gun with his fingers and shot me. Touche, 007, touche. MLIA"

"The other day in class, I noticed the kid next to me had written 'Gee, I'm a Tree" on his binder instead of "geometry". I will never spell it the normal way again. MLIA"

"A little while ago, my friend translated "liar, liar, pants on fire" into French and then back into English. The result was "Teller of untruths, your trousers have combusted." Today, while standing in line at the check out, a woman tried to convince the cashier that she didn't owe $5.67 but only $4.89. I calculated quickly in my head and immediately blurted out "Teller of untruths, your trousers have combusted!" Best part: The woman screamed and looked. The cashier was crying from laughter. So was the cop standing behind me. MLI"

"Today, I opened a package of cookies, and told myself I was only going to take two. I started to pull one out and four were stuck together. I decided not to break their bond and took all four. MLIA"

"Today, me and my boyfriend went clothes shopping for him. As he was trying on a coat, he felt something in the pocket. He proceeded to take whatever the item was out of the pocket. It was a potato. Never have I been more confused. MLIA"

I kind of love this website now.

A Font Titled "People"

Lets see. The 18th was some time ago, but nothing is going to be that new even though I've been looking to get on here for like 4 days now.

It was a short week for fall break which was chill. The week went as they normally do. Thursday I was awake as normal to work on my econ commercial which was followed by an afternoon shift of band, then haunted trails. Then some totally random and unplanned adventuring that involved best buy, halloween express, breaking into cool creek, dairy queen and then creeping on a young pterodactyl in the area. Friday was a sleeping day. Then a football game to play at and watch half of, we looked for cops, I was treated rudely by people at not just Barnes & Nobles but Wal-Mart as well- I totally blame the fact that I was wearing a Westfield sweatshirt, because I never wear Westfield apparel, and Im never treated that rudely and I ended the night going back in time to the Jurassic Era. Saturday I woke up at a normal hour and departed for band. In my gut of guts, I knew it was going to be my last saturday of doing so-sadness. We did the usual. Practice, eat, board the bus, ride the bus, make fun of people, get off the bus, get uniform, get back on the bus, get dressed, get off the bus, get instruments, make some lines, warm up, run my last sectional, talk with DAVE about last minute ideas near the end of warm ups, march to the field, go play, and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait...

We didn't make it any farther in the season, but Im not ashamed of where we did get. I do wish that maybe, just maybe the day wouldn't have had to run the time's that it did, because I feel like I had quite a door open itself, but I was prevented from going through due to my having to be at band all day. That's another thing all together though.

It was a good four years, and I don't think that there's much I would do differently. And honestly, one more week wouldn't have made any difference, I served my purpose, and now Im done with that part of my life, and it's really freaking me out to think about it. My life is music, and for 5 1/2 months, I've been working on the same piece. And now that piece is done, and I don't know what to do with myself. All I can do is think back to all the memories I have from it, and all the things that I know that wont matter soon. To those that have put up with me, with all my yelling, my bouts of profane language, my jokes, my analogies, my highs, my lows, my bipolar days, my days where I let you all goof off, my long-winded talks and speeches, my never-ending sectionals, my days where I threatened to slit jugulars... thanks.

But now I can look forward to more adventures, one of which DAVE and I have been talking about for nearly 8 months, the brass quintet. I've got everyone picked for it, as well as a piece that even he thinks is hard. Im excited for the Tuba quartet, and it makes me glad that I would steal Ethan's tuba when I could and play it for the last three years. Im sure that there's going to be a brass choir piece, even if I have to organize that as well. And Im sure that's not even close to everything.

On to something else.

Not you, that was nothing more than a brief idea, and the way you maintain eye contact bothers the hell out of me.

Im going to peg you as a no, despite that you've been watching me for 2 years now, and I know you have. You're nice, but it wouldn't work at this time.

You? Just a flat out no. You talk way too much and can't take a hint.

You, now you're a yes. Im hoping that this will settle, one way or the other, now that I actually have some free time which marching band coming to a close. It's been a while, like a Really long while, but maybe, just maybe Im right.

And Im brought to you. I had thought of you as a maybe within meeting you, but I dare say that you're a no now, because you're kind of insane, violent, and also taken.

So you again? I still wonder, but I could never bring myself to do anything because it would be disastrous in so many other ways.

Explanations? Well. You ask I tell, pending if I think you're worthy of knowing.

Cloudy, With a Chance of Clouds

To state this up front.

I opened this new blog dish in a perfectly fine mood. I had only managed to type a title then I got a text. Now Im in a super pissy mood.

Im might as well get to the good stuff so I can end on the stuff that makes me sounds like an unstable depressed nut-job.

The band is going to semi-state on the 24th, which totally rocks. Like possibly the best thing that's happened to me in high school in all four years of marching band. And it's just amazing to look back and think about how quickly this has all happened to the band. four years ago we were barely able to get a silver at regionals, now we confidently got a gold and are in the top 20 in the state of indiana, which is a HUGE state for marching band. Last year we were just barely hoping to get a gold, which we did, as well as placing 11th, just missing the cut-off. I personally take a great deal of credit for the reform that the band has seen, because I remember last year when the section leaders were all so lax about their section and I made them and their respective sections look Really bad by how tough I was with my section, and soon the brass line.

This year there's at least half the band at a sectional either tuesday or thursday, and you see the section leaders being super involved, and actually being leaders. Now we're a group of people to take seriously.

Now for the pissy mood. So my phone was acting up today and I had to get it connected to my computer and use syncfix to get it working again, which takes a while, so I wasn't getting messages right away for a while. Then I ate dinner with my family so for about 30 minutes I didn't have my phone. I found a text from someone asking if I wanted to hang out, and I told them that it was getting late and I had homework. Their reply? "Well, guess who's day was wasted because people couldn't communicate quickly and efficiently?". This from somebody who I never would have expected it. So Im kinda crazy mad at him now, because he has other friends, and it's not my responsibility to keep him entertained and busy. Yeah.

And now I think I last used a racing analogy, but fell short with my words. Im not doing any better on that whole thing, and Im pretty gun-ho to finishing that one. So I'll toss out what I can.

Maybe running in a circle now fits? I'll see where I can go with that. The only problem that I see is that it means I was once running in two directions, which is physically impossible. And now Im not really getting anywhere with that one. A new one's in the works.

Kinda like Reading Bass Clef and Thinking it's Treble Clef

I do think that I had an update this morning, for those that can read it and made sense of it, good for you, for those that couldn't, oh well.

I think I was right to not take a sudden action- waiting, if you will.

It was an interesting 3 1/2 months, I'll say that for sure, but in the end Im back where I started. I didn't do anything drastic, but I might have gone just a bit too far. I think I might have just been looking for a distraction or some kind of self esteem boost, what ever it was, I found it, and I think Im done with it.

Im now left with the feeling that I used somebody, because I suppose I may have been a bit suggestive and a but of a lead on, but it's one of those things you just get caught up in and before you know it you're up to your neck.

Bit of random here, mainly to make it official to myself.

It's been a while now, that I've been on my whole self-improvement thing, like 16 months now. I can officially wear a 38 waist, though that was my goal for 3 months ago, what ever. The thing is to now find articles of clothing that fit my odd proportions. Also, I can stretch and see my rib cage, be that healthy or not, I see that as improvement. Im also sitting here wearing a flat out large shirt, and am perfectly comfortable. 2 years ago I was looking at 3XL and 4XL shirts. That's that, and that's me.

Im off living life, doing what I do. Almost a rock again, feels like the fog is lifting, now just to finish off my over-loaded dinner plate at the spinning table. Ha.

It Wulod Cmoe To Tihs

Iuinfatotan End Ccyle Pshae On Bule.

Insert Witty, Multiple Meaning Title Here

You don't really believe it until you're actually living it. I simply can not believe how fast my senior year is going by. Im close to like a 1/4th of it done already. I just can't wrap my mind around it.

I still remember freshman year, and how long everything seemed to take, band for instance. My freshman band camp seemed to take like 2 months. This year it didn't even phase me. The evening rehearsals were such a drag. Now I don't even notice them. The saturday morning call times were once unbearable. They're a normal part of life now, and I hardly notice them. The days that Im at the school for 14+ hours are starting again too, and it doesn't feel like Im there that long at all. High School living has pretty much become my life. My life so much in fact that I don't want it to end, ever. I've worked myself such a nice niche in life right now, I don't want to have to start fresh, ever. Just, everything I can think of is like perfect, and the things that aren't perfect don't even come close to things that are.

Like last night.

It was a good friends birthday party, a party that I have attended for 3, maybe 4 years in a row now. Food, music, fire, golf cart, hot tub. It pretty much rocked. Last year it pretty much rocked as well, the year before not so much just because I didn't know people.

And his party also signified something kind of super important in my personal life. It reminded me of exactly what I was doing a year ago, who I was friends with, who I liked, who I didn't like what I thought was fun and wasn't fun and everything from A to B.

Something else too.

A year ago I was chasing someone who would later make me and my best friend get into a huge disagreement, and make the months after terribly awkward, and eventually lead to the loss of the friendship on the person I was chasing. Im kind of super glad that happened that way, because once it was resolved I was better friends with him, and turns out she's pretty much a crazy psycho bitch.

This year was different, though not exactly in a good way or bad way, but a way that made things really fun. Noticeably, to myself, there was a stand-still race going on. I must have run out of thinking power just then, because I can't find a way to put this into an analogy or some kind of metaphor, just flat out names and facts. So maybe someone will end up getting the low-down on the winner of the stand-still race or maybe I'll find the colorful word play that is currently eluding me.

AAAAnd.

I have a college job lined up already, that pays well, is flexible, and is something that I love. The problem being, I have no idea where Im going to end up going for college, and if I want this job I need to stay within like 2 hours of Westfield.

Mr. Sands would love to have me stay around and help with the band, and I would love to do so.

His concern though, is that he wants a year of separation between myself and the current Juniors. I can see the logic, but I can see how that totally doesn't apply to me.

Because of the fact that I am who I am, I don't think I will need to worry about it.

The band as a whole already listens to me and whatever I have to say, but Mr. Sands thinks that because it will be another year with me around, people will just think, Oh it's just John, I don't have to listen to him. I don't see that happening, but whatever. His second thing is that he wants new leaders to step up and fill the void, which quite honestly is impossible to fill my void. But I see what he means with that too. But I would be working with the concert band at the very least, the underclassmen, and I hope the marching band. He did not say flat out that Next year I would be paid, but said there was money in the band boosters budget. But he quite bluntly said that two years from now I would be a full-staff member with pay and what not, without a doubt.

I wouldn't just be working with the trumpets, but with the entire brassline, and my title would be The Brass Lieutenant, his words not mine, which is freaking bad ass.

So good day yesterday. Solid job offer, stand-still races. Hoping to make today a good day, find my vocabulary skills again to finish my thought two paragraphs ago.

One Vouches Red, The Other, Blue

Band was actually somewhat productive today, despite being indoors. The show is finally coming together, and Im kind of super excited most of the time.

School? Eh, testing sucks. It's stressful now, but now the next two weeks are going to be easy.

Today I was at the Chamber of Commerce Lunch thing as one of the student leaders from band, that was cool. Had good food, and it was free, and it got me out of 4th period, which also happened to have an in-class essay today, over material I didn't read. So mega win right there.

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It's so terribly obvious, I can see it soooo clearly, on one end at the least. I want to call it out, but Im weary to, because Im not looking to disturb things more than they are. But it's almost painful to watch it now, because with every word that's said, I just see myself more and more. And that makes me wonder, are they just a replacement? But I guess I'll know when life wants me to know, and that just means waiting longer, despite what I think I know.

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Waiting, Im still doing it. Thinking, Im still doing way too much of it. You do one thing that says one thing, and then you another thing that says the complete opposite of what was said earlier.

And you, you seem to get me when I least expect it, and just surprise me, in a good way.

And combined, the two of you, mess me up more than anything I can think of. And combined, the two of you, are often times the only thing floating through my head each time I hit that awake-but-not-awake-but-not-sleeping-either state.

"I'll listen to your stories, and all of your thoughts

And sometimes, you dames put my head up in knots"

-Manners

-John&Collin

Ball Three, One Out, Runners on 1st and 3rd

Generally, life is good.

But I feel out of place, and I've felt like that for far too long now.

My house, now called the soul crusher, is often one of the last places I want to return to at the end of the day. I even think I'd be more comfortable sleeping in my car. I don't feel as if Im living with family as much as just three other people with totally separate lives that I just bump into throughout the day. I know it should bother me, but it doesn't. I have a better family in the friends that I see every day.

Some of this you can probably just look to an older post and find pretty much the same thing.

I feel so immature. Im so used to being the "adult" one and knowing exactly what to do, that when something comes up and I don't know what to do, I kind of freak out. This probably dates to the end of August, the feeling like a child, yada yada yada, nothing drastically different there.

At times, I get this feeling that makes the whole childish feeling bearable. Like I can't even breath for a moment. I know just what does it too.

Not sure how far this one goes back, but I still feel like Im with two people.

Band is just worse and worse and better and better. We're getting good, like formidable band good. We're holding our own with people who go to state on a regular basis. And going by a dream, which seem to be increasingly accurate, at regionals we'll either place 9th, or beat 9 bands, Im not psychic, yet.

I just want to get life figured out again. Because feeling on top of it feels pretty awesome, and I know what Im missing.

Reflections in Gold

I've gotta say something. I've got something that I really think was cool, but only to me, but thanks to a sibling that decides to have secret habits, Im not gonna get to that right away.

So I woke up after having nightmares, which I rarely have but luckily these were far too unrealistic to be any kind of fore-sight like my dreams tend to be. Well these were straight-up nightmares, which maybe that's an even worse sign than flat out seeing what's gonna happen, because it's so bad that my subconscious doesn't know how to show me. But either way, I didn't sleep well, despite what was floating through my head while I was drifting off. A stomachache to top off the morning.

Well the whole day felt strange, but I tried to make it work, but didn't really. So I got home, tried to do some school work. Then I decided to take a nap. For like 40 minutes the rest of my family for some reason would NOT leave me alone, so I stated that the next person to wake me up from the delicate balance between sleep and awake was going to get yelled at, which even scares me because I've never yelled as loud as I can.

I awoke from my nap after the garage door went down, so I figured I would just get up from my nap then. Well, while sitting at my computer I hear my sister's car door open, which I thought was mildly strange because she doesn't normally go anywhere. I look out and what do I find her doing? Smoking. Yeah, smoking. The single most Repulsive habit that society has. Like I hate smokers enough that even if my wife of 30 years began to smoke, I would leave her in an instant. There's nothing that I can't tolerate like tobacco. Ugh. So I didn't know what to do. But I dare say that the best idea possible popped into my head.

My digital camera was right there in front of me so I grabbed it and got 5 minutes of her smoking recorded, then up on facebook as quickly as I could. Tomorrow I plan on telling EVERYONE.

My logic. She's clearly trying to hide it, meaning that she's embarrassed by it, meaning WHY THE FUCK IS SHE SMOKING?!? I mean, I don't do anything that I wouldn't be fine with people knowing, and if I keep something a secret, I would still be fine if people knew. So I can't stand to even look at her, because now that she smokes she's nothing but white trash and a blemish on the Steele name, a name that I spend way too much time trying to fix.

So Im done with that.

On saturday while marching onto the field for our show, I looked at something that I have never looked at before, in all four years of marching band. I looked right at the very instrument in front of me, and thought of all the things I've accomplished because of it. But while I was looking at it, closer than I've ever looked before. I noticed something. I saw myself staring back, for the first time I saw my performance face, and all the things I've worked for looking right back at me, and the trust that people had put in me through all those years to be the best that I can be, and all those people telling me to kick some ass, because it's your time now, and there wont be a second chance after this one. You blow it now you blow it for the last time. That was just such an eye opening thing, because looking at others while they mentally set themselves for a show is one thing, but to see yourself, it's really something. I looked back at myself when I had the chance, and never did I see that determination flicker even once. And for the first time, I felt like I was acknowledged by myself and not just the people around me, and that's a pretty sweet feeling.

And of course. What would a post be without the constant thing.

Im sick of waiting, Im sick of guessing, and Im sick of competing. Im not going to sit on my hands in the corner and watch things leave my playing field and go into another's field, especially two. So for now, Im in a rare mood, and possibly somewhat sneaky, because Im gonna find something out.

On a second thought though. I could just go out on a limb. The whole sneaky thing is a bad impression type of thing. So I might just go and do something. Limbs are fun, but Im terrified of heights, but then again, the things that rest on those limbs are worth the risk of a few bumps and bruises.

The Month of Hauntings Has Arrived

So. It's been like, a week.

Fall is in full swing, cool beans right there.

You can just kind of *insert fall to-do list here* if you wish, because my lime green notebook of life is now missing, which is not bueno, and people were up in my room looking for stuff earlier, so that's even less bueno. But once I find it I hope I can get it up. However, some things are easily remembered.

Go out and pick fruit and stuff- apples, pumpkins, the good stuff.

Go to parks more and pay attention to the trees.

Each morning get a giant breath of the cold morning air, because fall smells awesome.

Hook the DDR back up because bike season is almost up.

Keep playing shirtless night frisbee.

That's just some. It was longer when I wrote it.

School is school, midterm and lowest is a B+, amazingly. But Im not sure in Econ, because he 2/3rds of the assignments are not up. Kind of feel like Im still sucking at choir, BUT we got our christmas songs already, well only 5/8, but still thats neat. On the other music specter Im rocking it as always, except when people act like their six and can't handle when people call them out on their faults, COUGH COUGH NAGY COUGH COUGH. Sorry, I might have a cold or something ;D. Oh yeah, band got a gold at district with a 71.8, only needed a 60. 70 is what we need two weeks from now.

Life isn't too bad. I'm alive. I have great friends. I finally have expanded my wardrobe enough that I can go a full two weeks between doing laundry. But it's a bit cold to wear cargo shorts, so I'll be looking to some more jeans because I only have 3 pairs that are close to fitting, all the others are close to 6 inches too big. I've plenty of things that are long sleeve, and I think I look pretty good most of the time now. But my shoes now... I wear them out too fast, and the ones I've been marching in have a distinct odor. Yay for shoe deodorant spray! I just need snow boots and snow pants now for the upcoming season.

So I guess I've come to what the bulk of this blog seems to be about, word play!

This table keeps spinning, but it was going too fast, and one of the plates slid off, but that's cool for now, and possibly for a long, looooong time. Because as it turns out, another table ordered it anyway. These other two dishes look equally good though. But the problem is, after looking at them both closely as they kind of spin about, Im not sure which to go with, so I asked the waiter so an ingredients list to see if Im allergic to anything in them, because that would be a deciding factor. If I don't find anything then I plan on texting some people and asking them which they recommend and and whatnot.

Im tired though, and my green and white checkered sheets across the room are looking pretty good. I'll be up at like 3 am though, because I have an essay I want to re-work, and my sleep-deprived writing always seems to be the best.

Chlorophyl: Expiration Date- Now

A couple posts back, I mentioned my list of things that I will do this fall, one way or another.

I'll get it up next, because now I have to run somewhere.

Pirate Hats, Cannon Balls and Mustaches

What do the three have in common? Well I meant for them to have nothing in common, but I described pirate stuff pretty well, I just need a skull and crossbones flag.

So, I found more analogies.

I can read you like print, we're more alike than you'll ever see.

I kind of hate that though, I don't want to find another me, I worked to make sure that I was not copyable for like the last three years. But I've been a bit off lately, so that one goes along the lines of this.

I'm simply a mirror that's temporarily lost it's luster, just give it time.

I feel like a friend has kind of replaced me, but I guess I deserve it. But the thing is, looking at the two of us, you would never make the comparison, but if you look at a mental and emotional comparison, the similarities baffle me more and more each time. So yeah, I don't like being replaceable.

So today, was an oddly good day. I think I went soft though, and just kind of took whatever I saw, which was a bright and cheery mood.

I'll move on.

Not replying to my texts sends one message, but the look that you give me when you see me sends another, as does the hug, as does the conversation that undoubtably ensures every time. So why do you do that? What ever, Im droning. As for you other two, yeah, thanks for randomly popping into this whole thing, as if it isn't hard enough to throw two boomerangs at once, lets just try three, oh joy.

Not much else. Maybe much more. Who knows at this point. Im sleepy.

The Blind Leading the Blind being followed by Someone With One Eye Half-Open

Oh man, oh man, where to begin.

So Im pretty much as bad as keeping a blog going as I am about keeping a journal current.

Let's just go re-cap life, and throw in lots of fun analogies and stuff.

Friday- football, homecoming, lost, no surprise. Damage control as well, but that seems to be nothing new these last few months, and the damage was certainly controlled.

BUT what did in fact surprise me was the banner contest, in which Young Democrats won, which I did like 85%-90% of the banner. We even beat Spanish Club, who are the club to beat when it comes to the homecoming banner. Kaylee sent me a text while I was in the band stands and I about shit myself, then several others texted me about it as well. Our next meeting will be interesting now! After the game I looked for some people, but was unable to find them, but that's cool. I then went pretty much straight home.

Saturday- Woke up for the early call time for the band competition. Band was band, nothing totally special happened. The bus ride sucked. Tim, Collin and Will were on the other bus because they weren't leaving early. So I was going to talk to people on the bus ride, until a chaperone sat in the seat next to me, that totally killed the bus ride. Laura and Jessica made a rap, which failed in comparison to Collin and I's, but they gave it a shot. The band scored a 73.5, which is pretty much a bull shit score because they added them all wrong, but hey, it's what we got.

Saturday Night- We decided that we were far too cool for homecoming, and went downtown for dinner and a carriage ride. It's not at all how I pictured my senior homecoming, but the people seemed about right to an extent. Ordered half of a free-range chicken severed over rice and smoked bacon, not too bad at all.

That's about the only stuff worth mentioning that's not about to be totally coated in analogies.

Still up and down like an etch-e-sketch life wise.

Im almost positive that Im allergic to floride, damnit, but I think I knew for like 2 years now, but brushing 3-4 times a day made my body freak out and I think I've given myself the 6th sinus infection in 8 weeks or something insane like that.

I think I had a facebook or twitter status along the lines of chasing one, neck and neck with another, and being chased myself. Well I'm going to shed some light on that, or run further with that analogy, note the pun intended.

I somewhat feel like Im with two people right now, which is terrible. One I've known all of high school, and been close friends with for some time I think, and we hang out on occasion, not a ton or anything, but about as much as I hang out with anyone one v. one other than Collin and Tim. However, this person is in an odd situation in my mind, something I don't want to take advantage of, just because I'd be taking advantage of it, but do at the same time. The 2nd I wasn't really friends with until this summer, and they brought up the idea of us, be it deliberate or a mere slip of the tongue, they brought it up, and they have a point regardless. So I've hung out with this person too, and don't know which way to take things. That's what throws me into thinking fits so often now.

Thinking fits throw me to think about other things, and how much they suck and, in turn, how much my life sucks. Almost all of it I will not put on here, be they legal or personal reasons. But thinking fits make me unhappy most of the time, which prevents me from being centered where I need to me. I feel like the backbone of a ton of things, yet I can't keep my own back straight. But maybe Im just being weird. This seems to happen whenever Im confused, and I've never been so confused. There have always been things standing the way of me getting, what I think, will make me happy, and for once there doesn't seem to be anything, which unnerves me I guess, because all I need to do is step forward and try I think. But when so accustomed to failing, sometimes it seems, what's the point. But hell, why am I telling the internet? It doesn't care. I should either shut up about it, tell someone who can do something to aid it, or do something myself.

Tomorrow, I plan on finding some organic toothpaste, because Im killing my voice with constant sinus flare ups that turn into infections, and I can't do that anymore.

I'll be trying to keep things a bit more up to date, and keep the colorful analogies flying straight at you. Tootles.

Another Four Days

And again, four days ago I was pretty down in the dumps. I don't seem to understand life at all, because as of now I feel rather fine, in fact, Im quite happy to be me, and just me. Maybe a change here or there, but not too much. I feel like I've been really conscious of what I've been saying lately, more so than I can ever remember being, which is a good thing I suppose. Ummm. Homecoming this week. Today the seniors wore togas, without telling the office about it, and some people were certainly in trouble, and will be later in the week.

As for the actual homecoming, Im not going. Last year sucked, as well as some of the events that came from it. Im going solo with a group downtown to eat a fancy dinner and go on a carriage ride, should be good fun.

Marching band started last week, 57.5. Not too bad at all. Four some points behind Zionsville, a regual state finalist. Westfield is SOOOO making it to Semi-State this year. FUCK YEAH!

As for the spinning dinner tabled and wildcards and what not. Im kind of done with that, though I somewhat wish I wasn't. I singled out one wildcard, and it was a shoot and a miss, but I still don't know. But I'd rather just ignore what I can of it for now, and what happens happens, becase life is much more fun this way.

Fall playing coming up too. I was able to get the lead guy, quite literally named "guy" for one of the fall plays, looks like it will be good fun.

Tonight I've gotta finish the banner for Young Democrats, I don't think it should be too hard. for the most part.