All Systems Go

After getting shut down for 50+ hours and no ethernet, I'm finally back online. That was a rough two days haha. My dad is super anal about letting me on his computer, which is the one that controls the internet. My mom finally told me the password and I had the network back up and running in less than 90 seconds, I'm kind of pro like that.

New stuff to report?

Definitely gonna get a little bit more into free running.

EDH formats are super beastly and fun.

I've lost most of my skill at Team Fortress 2.

I've got 2 displaced tendons in my left wrist.

Making myself keep playing my trumpet- If I'm only gonna take like 13 hours this semester I'm gonna be in at least two ensembles.

I'm most likely going to join the Statesmen at Ball State, but they only do 4 shows a year. But that runs into a problem, because all you have to do is register for the class, meaning it's an open choir, meaning it could suck. I'm kind of a snob when it comes to which music groups I want to associate myself with, and might join them and hope I'll find a smaller group of acappella singers within.

My beard is not to bad at all.

Working on finishing a massive collaboration of DVD's I've been making through the month, but I'm gonna have to move the image files to my dads computer because my burner has crapped out on me.

I never complained about The Green Lantern. Just not a good movie at all. It was entertaining, but it didn't pull me in, nor do I have any desire to see the sequel that they set up at the end. I'm glad I only spent 5 bucks on it.

Heavy Hearted

So it's been quite a day. It's been quite a last few days.

It started on Friday, I was registered and ready to kick some magic ass at the Fashion Mall, when I decided I would check Facebook Mobile randomly. What's the first thing I see in my newsfeed? "In a relationship". What was below that? A wall post ending in "love you <3"

That was pretty devastating, and honestly lead to me being more messed up than I think I've ever been. I've had plenty of stress headaches in my life, by living a stressful life, but this was unlike anything I've dealt with. The first bracket started maybe 15 minutes later, I was deciding if I wanted to drop out or not, but too late, the pairings were posted.

I was fortunate enough to be paired with Bret, I'll say that was fates way of throwing me a bone after dropping a boulder on me. I ended up beating him, but I told him to report it differently so it would help him for the rest of the night. Game one I was thinking clearly and had a good win, second game I played a few things wrong and lost, third game walked into the one situation that would let me win. Had to drop though, too much on my mind, headache was thriving, and I felt like I was going to throw up. I can't remember any times that I really think I was just 100% miserable, but that makes the list. Just thinking about the situation makes my stomach churn.

I went home and took a large number(within healthy reason) of pills which did little to nothing. Sitting at home alone was going to kill me, so I went to a bon fire. Got shit because I needed to sit with my phone and talk it out with some really awesome people before I went insane.

About 36 hours of that feeling was just more than I could take, and decided it was time to talk it out. I was kind of surprised at how well it went. It wasn't a run-around either, it was exactly what she thought it was. I left that conversation with the heaviest heart you could imagine. It was all about stupid prom dinner, and how my suggestion ended up controlling the night, and taking control of the situation away from them. For one, it was still a stupid-ass thing to get mad about, and it showed that they're really not as mature as they think they are if something like that makes you decide that "I'm through with this person". A second reason came up, that I respected a great deal.

I'm John Steele, and I don't expect that half the things I get myself into are safe, let alone legal. She couldn't put herself though being with someone who she constantly had to worry about what I was drinking that night, what construction zone I found my way into, or what I might be lighting on fire on the particular night. As incredibly sweet as I thought that was, I don't need a babysitter, I'm alive and thriving.

I don't take any credit for the prom dinner problem, I still don't see that I did anything wrong at all. But I'm kicking myself slightly right now, because all those things I did were because there was just nothing better to do. I can't find a job to save my life, I'm not taking summer classes, and I feel like I have a year of college experiences I need to make up for because Anderson sucked. I've not exactly liked some of the things I've found myself doing lately, and I kind of miss being really responsible and too busy beyond all reason to get myself into any trouble. I'm gonna call that Goody John, and I'm Cannon John right now. Dangerous things are fun, but I feel like I might be close to working them all out of my system.

I don't want to say that this is the event that made me want to kind of clean up my act a little bit like I used to, but I might feel better if I did. I've been saying that I've been off of my game for a few months, and I've been a loose cannon for a few months now.

I'm about ready to wrap this up, because it's 3:10 in the morning, and I thought I was going to bed half an hour ago. But I've got one more thing to add. I kind of tossed music aside, even playing my trumpet just wasn't fun like it should have been. It's left a strange void that hasn't ever been empty, because I've been playing since 4th grade, and I grew up with it having a place in my life. I painfully miss singing right now, I watch acappella videos on youtube all day long. I also really miss acting. Something recently has just put me in a perfect villainous mindset, I could absolutely play one right now in a thriller, and I've always been a supporting lead of a comedy type of mindset. But I'm really getting tired now, and my stomach is starting to be bitchy with me, so I'm going to call it a night while it's technically morning.

Not a Wall

So right now, I really wish that people took more consideration of my thoughts and feelings. It's more of an everyday little thing situation, but a few situations in particular.

I spent a large portion of the time period that you kind of decide who you are pretending that little things didn't even phase me, and tried to put up a pretty invincible front. It worked for a long, loooong time and it became me, I had an incredible and invincible mentality and attitude about everything I came across in life. Living that for almost 5 years was kind of awesome, but now it's that much more devastating when I find the little things that I can't ignore, and really hit below the belt. That leads to all the other little things I never noticed becoming a huge pain in the ass too.

I've not been on the top of my game for the last few months, and I know I blame Anderson for a lot- but that's probably a good part of it. I feel kind of lumpy and unrefined. I'm not at a breaking point, but I might shatter before the end of the summer if things don't turn around at least slightly.

I enjoy things, but nothing is really satisfying. There's just kind of a vital chunk of me that's missing, and I don't know what it is. I do lots of yard work, I try to make every 3rd day a day for nothing but being social and being with friends, I've starting noodleing around on my trumpet again, my room is almost back in order(something that it hasn't been in years). All these things should be at least somewhat satisfying I feel like, but they just aren't.

But on a brighter note, I guess it's a brighter note, I've really gotten back into baking. I'm still considering baking for hire for the rest of the summer, I think it'd be a really cool job. Just yesterday alone, I was told 6 times that I need to be a chef, forget the whole law school idea and go to culinary school and open a bakery. Despite being encouraging, that hit me hard, because it was really tough to decide that culinary school wasn't for me. I'm know it's in my to get myself through law school, and the perks are so much better, but I just don't know at all.

I found a quote a while ago that I felt like it fit for me lately. "Some build walls to keep people out, others build walls to see who cares enough to tear them down."

So there, that's my update.

Silly Mentionings

I've spent the better part of all day on facebook, or I would have posted this on there as well. I'll just be happy knowing that I put it somewhere that it wont be lost forever, the internet.

So I've been hardcore cleaning my room, throwing out stuff left and right. It's easier than I thought it would be, but it's still hard because I flip through old notebooks and remember exactly what they were for and such. Well I'm currently looking at my "Rock Formation: About Me" from 8th grade. We filled them out at the beginning of the year, got them back at the end. There's a picture too, I've grown into my nose and ears.

A lot of the stuff is pretty general, name, age, birthday, siblings, blah blah blah.

I laughed when I read this: Best Subject in school? Band if it counts, it not then Math.

Holy fuck, I never remember thinking math was my best subject. The only logical reasoning is that during the course of 8th grade I realized math sucks, isn't important, forgot I was ever good at it, and when all out for music.

Social Studies was listed as my most difficult subject. I'd agree to that at the time.

Three words I picked to describe myself: obnoxious, sarcastic, and laid back.

I still have to agree for the most part on that.

I also found a timeline of my future, we were instructed to complete it in pencil.

I wanted to take a year off after high school and try new things. Didn't know where I wanted to go to college, but wanted to study "Art, computer graphics, and computer programing".

There was also a section asking about high school(This looks like it was filled out near the end of the year, as it asked questions about my 8th grade year), and what I thought the best part would be. I'm proud of my answer: Marching Band, Thespians, and the art classes.

Enough said.

Comes Summer

It's been well over a month since I've been on here, mostly due to my on and off computer access. It's really weird to think, that I'm going into my 6th week of being home from Anderson already.

Well I guess I'll cover what I remember, as the last time I updated was at the end of April.

I've been home, haven't really done too much. I've spent a lot of time working outside, and I still can't see much difference. Went to some open houses, been catching up with people.

In all honesty, I don't remember much outside of the last week.

There was something I really wanted to complain about for a LOOOOOONG time, and I'm going to do it right now.

I've been working outside constantly for close to 2 months now, and I feel like I have more muscle mass. I'm sick of all these special workouts, personal trainers, fancy diets, low calorie foods, vitamin supplements, and tv shows about loosing weight. It's fucking ridiculous. Want to get ripped? Go do some manual labor. I'm basing this rant off of people from way back when. Way back when you woke up every morning to go tend the fields or something. They were ripped, healthy, and ate whatever the fuck they wanted and didn't think about calories. The world today is doing nothing but breeding complicated solutions for a simple answer. You don't need the abdominal blaster 3000, or whatever other shit they're telling you to use. Go work outside. Dig some holes, carry bags of dirt, chop some wood, do something, I don't give a shit. But the next person I hear about them going to a gym, using special machines for problem areas, talking about what their trainer says they should eat, I might just loose it.

Some people don't have a place that they can do all this, well screw that. Go running, that uses like every muscle you have. Not hard enough? Strap some weighted crap on you, it's a lot harder to run with an extra 10 pounds on each leg. I'm not an expert at all, I only have first hand experience that it's the simple things that yield the most pleasing results, and I'm sick of the bull shit that the physical health industry is pulling on the world.

That's my pissed off rant.

I guess I'll talk about my birthday now. It was weird without my mom here. I ended up having a pretty good time, though I'm kind of super hurt that it's all the people I didn't expect to hear from on my birthday that got a hold of me, and the people I expected to hear from at like midnight on the dot didn't talk to me all day. But like I said, the day turned out alright in the end, there was only one person I didn't see that I was super upset about, and that's just because she's been a bitch lately, and thought it might at least be different on my birthday. Josiah even got me a gift, so now I have to hate him a little bit less I suppose. I don't know if Julie helped him, but it actually wasn't a bad gift at all. It was a "What's Your Price?" book from "Would You Rather...".

Now I'll bitch about some personal shit.

It was my fucking birthday, and you blew me off. It wasn't that you said you were free, and then all of the sudden you weren't. Yeah, that hurt, but it happened with a number of people. I swear I'm going to listen to my gut this time, because it's been going nuts for some time now. I have a feeling that I know exactly what you were doing, and made it very clear you didn't want me to know about, and I hope you had a fun date. I'm going to say right now that I'm never going to text you again, and I know that within 36 hours, I'm going to text you, just like every other time I couldn't take it anymore and said I wasn't going to talk to you anymore. You're terrible for me, and at the same time I still wish it would have worked, and I'm just sorry that whatever changed on your end changed the way it did.

I guess if that wasn't fucking obvious, then you probably have no business reading this.

You're great, you're fantastic, you're "D.) All of the above". And it's a shame, because it would have been fun.

I probably can't ever sincerely think of you as a friend. The things you've done just rub me the wrong way, everything you've done. Yet somehow what you're doing is getting you farther than what I did got me. I don't know what you've done in the last year, but understand that this game is not for your type of mindset.

I'm done with my stupid pity party, the world needs John Steele to be running at 110% right now, John Steele especially needs that.