2011 Comes to an End

I've been gone for a while, so there's a fair amount of life that's happened.

End of the semester. I thought I kicked ass on my exams, but as always, what that really means is I did pretty shitty on my exams. Peter left a few days before me, so I was on my own for the last 3 days or so. I didn't realize how many personal space issues I have until this year. I mean, I always knew that I liked my space and everything, but even just thinking about having to go back starts to give me a headache. It's nice going to bed in a dark room that doesn't smell like stinky food, and not hearing someone else's alarm going off at like 5:45 in the morning. But anyway, I got all packed up and jazz and was home Friday late-afternoonish.

I was home for a few days, and then left for Kansas. Saw a bunch of my family, almost all of them actually, as well as my one remaining friend from my school days of Kansas. Got back to Westfield, saw some friends for Hanukah, and that's really all I've done all break so far.

2011 is almost over, 2012 looks as promising as any other year, that's about it.

Quarter Till 10 on the 12th

I wasn't going to post anything, but this is the first thing I noticed upon writing the title. I'm up in my bed because I was really sick of that terrible desk chair, and I noticed that the standby light on my tv is off, and I noticed Peter had to go and play with it earlier to get it to turn on. This leads me to two conclusions. He broke my tv, which I'd expect him to replace, or the guy who sleeps with the tv on all night is suddenly environmentally conscious and understands that electrical appliances that remain on standby use a considerable amount of electricity. But I can't control what he does, so I'm not going to worry about it.

I've been feeling like I should get on here and update it for like a week now, and I've started to a few times, I just never have anything interesting to say on here.

My life isn't bad, cleared away a lot of stress right after Thanksgiving break because I caught myself leading on about 7 different girls and not being seriously interested in any of them, and how unlike me that was. I just made it very clear that I wanted nothing but friends, and that's that. My social life has severely diminished since marching band ended, which I expected that it would. I had a really fantastic group of friends earlier this semester, but they've pretty much phased me out a while ago, seeing as they never invite me to hang out, and I only rarely see them.

I'm looking forward to next semester, and I haven't even finished this one yet. I'd really like to get a Falling Whistles Chapter here on campus, I just refuse to be in charge of it. A friend had asked me about starting an a cappella group, which I was incredibly excited for, but that was like a month and a half ago now and he's not done anything else with it. But I caught wind of a guy trying to start a male a cappella group, and there's going to be auditions next semester, so I'm going to be all over that.

I'm going to be in Kansas for a few days over break, though after I talked to my mom on the phone, I got her convinced for us to leave a few days later so I'm not getting home from exams, then turning around and leaving for 10 days 36 hours later. I think we're leaving on the 21st, gonna drive it in one day. It was going to go really well, because my mom, Julie, and I usually get along alright on car rides, and my dad was going to fly in. But now he's driving with us, and I'm not looking forward to it one bit, he's such a pain in the ass to have to deal with. And we probably aren't even going to be in a hotel from what it sounded like. My Bobo very recently moved out of his house and into an assisted living facility, and his house has been pretty much cleared out, but there's a chair or two, a couch, an old tv, and some other stuff. My parents think it would be a grand idea to stay there, and sleep on air mattresses, and share one tv, and be in a house that smells like smoke. I think I was able to change my moms mind on that one too, though I know they don't have the money to pay for a nice place or anything, probably just a Super 8 or something like we always end up, and there's never a workout room. My mom offered to get me like a 1-week membership somewhere, but I told her if they were willing to give me money for that, I'd rather have the money and I could just cut the calories out of my daily intake while we're there.

I wish my family took real vacations. The only "vacations" we go on are to go see family in Kansas, and it's not even fun. It's just one long fight the whole time that nobody ever wins, and at the end of the day we go back to our crappy hotel and Julie stays up until 4 am watching tv or on Skype or something and is impossible to wake up in the morning. I'm going to be 20 soon enough, and I've never had a family vacation where the point was to just spend time with one another and have fun. And I don't think I've ever gone anywhere over Spring Break. Once I'm married and have my own kids, that's going to be different.

Finals start tomorrow, and I've got 5 lovely exams this week.

Tuesday: Environmental Law: 9:45

Wednesday: Meteorology: Noon

Thursday: Leadership Communications: 2:15

Friday: Landscape Architecture 9:45

International Policy: Noon

It's not a terribly bad exam week, and it's not really that stressful, it's just bad because everyone else is so stressed out and busy all the time.

I'm wearing shorts, a henley, and a flannel print shirt. This is something I wore on the average summer day, about 5-6 months ago. It is now December 12th, and there's no snow on the ground and it's breaking my heart. I know it's going to be so much easier to get out of here on Friday if there's no snow, but it just doesn't feel like the holiday season, and I don't know how on Earth I'm going to be able to go sledding as much as I did last semester if it doesn't snow.

I was planning on getting my tonsils out over break thanks to this lovely little condition I have called tonsilloliths. That's not really the condition name, as far as I've been able to discover there isn't really a name for it, only the lovely stones that form in my tonsils. The details of it are really gross, and I'll just say that I do my absolute best to keep them from being noticeable. But because of the risk of severely damaging my vocal chords because I'm really old to get my tonsils out, I've been looking at a surgical procedure done via laser, but I'm going to have to wait until summer to get it done, which is alright with me because it doesn't risk my voice. I'm also planning on going back to my orthodontist over break because my lower jaw is having some crowding issues and I don't know what to do. I'm going to throw a fit if they suggest putting me back in braces, a serious bloody fucking fit.

There are a few other floating rambles through my head right now, but I've taken an hour long study break, and I need to get back to reading a few cases so I remember them for my exam tomorrow morning.

Fallen Leaves

There are few things I don't love about fall. The only thing I don't really care for is the awkward weather where it's kind of cold without a jacket, but too warm with one, other than that it's perfect.

So I'm not sure what's gotten into me that last few days, but I'm really ready for a break, and a long one. I need to go home and see everyone that I haven't seen in months. But more so I'm ready for college to be over, possibly forever. I love being in college, and I love the college atmosphere, but every day that I'm just piddling around as an undeclared major is a day that I've wasted, and there are few things that I hate more than a wasted day.

I think Peter is gone for the weekend, which is quite alright with me, because I haven't had a night to myself in a long time. I would have last weekend, but I ended up in a someone else's room all night, but that's a different story.

I'm gonna work out for 2 hours tomorrow morning, try to knock out my 2,000 for the day before I eat anything, I usually don't do so great at my morning workouts, so this should be fun.

I sat down and had a ton of negativity bundled up inside of me, lots of angst and self-hate and whatnot, and now there just aren't words for it, so I'll just ramble on about things in my life.

My Ball State friends are, well they are. I don't see a lot of them as much as I wish I did or as I used to. Sure I'm making new friends, but I'm not the type of guy who wants to have like 40 just general friends, I want 6 really tight friends, but that just doesn't seem to be happening. I wish I'd hear from other Westfield people more often, I only talk to two or three people from home anymore.

Last weekend, a lot of things happened, I mean a lot. I'm actually somewhat embarrassed by my actions, though I certainly wasn't as bad as someone else. It was just really unlike me to act like I did, or like I have been the last few weekends, and I'm bothered that I was able to just switch personalities in the blink of an eye that I did. Something that really got under my skin was getting called incredibly vain, it's the type of comment that makes you hate yourself a few days later. Yeah, so what if I care about how I look? I do my best to look nice because I feel that it's a representation of how much I value myself, and I think I'm a pretty valuable guy. But it's more than that to me, it also covers up the nagging insecurities that I have about myself, and if I'm wearing an outfit that can distract people enough, then they don't notice them. But I'm getting there, slow as a retarded slug, to the person I want to be. I mean, if I was me, just the way I am, for the rest of my life, I think I'd do alright, but I've got a long way to go until I'm happy.

A friend brought up an interesting point at dinner, about forgetting things if you could. I don't think there's anything that I'd ever want to forget. I love the good stuff, and every bad thing has been a lesson learned, in one way or another. The mistakes, the lies, the tricks, the mischievous things that got me in trouble, the things I failed at. Each one of them is a reason that I'm the person I am, and I just can't imagine forgetting all the bad things. Looking back, I just don't understand how someone could want to forget anything in their life. Try thinking of the worst moment of your life, now think of the lesson that moment introduced you to, and how that lesson keeps you from doing something even dumber later in life.

Something else that been bothering me a lot lately is girls who bitch about not having guys interested in them, or that only a certain type of guy is interested in them, such as older creepy guys, or guys who are balding. I'll always listen to them vent, but it seriously sucks when at one point you were into the girl that's complaining that nobody ever is into them, and it's just kind of like, what the fuck, did you not have a brain for 2 1/2 years? Because if I wasn't obvious then, I figured something like prom might have been a good indicator or something, but hell I'm a guy, what do I know. But I'll stop this topic, because of the five people that know this exists, and the two that read it, one of them is bound to mentioned in something I talk about sooner or later.

It's about 12:30 am, and I think I'm going to call it a night soon. I don't have much else to say other than the generic I hate myself of a daily basis and act super happy and well adjusted to cover it up. I love me at the same time, but there's a version of me I know I'd love better out there. Time to get some much needed sleep.

Running Turkeys

Day to day life is something that is just incredibly hard to measure. Good days follow bad days, and bad days follow good days, yet the world keeps turning. Break that down even more and you can look at just one day, and the highs and lows that it provides and the drastic changes in your point of view.

I really have to say that the general quality of my life the last few days, maybe even a week now, has just been really outstanding, and it makes me wish that I could share this type of feeling with my friends in a way that they'd understand.

It's been a good two weeks since I've said anything on here, so there's a fair amount to cover.

Had a really pretty good Halloween weekend, went out with friends to a some parties on Friday and Saturday, played video games on Sunday. I was a pirate again, almost the exact same costume I wore last year, but who cares. Saw some people drink just a bit too much for their own good, but I had an eye on them so it was alright.

The week after Halloween was straight hell. Monday I had a presentation with a group, Tuesday was meeting with a debate group for several hours, Wednesday was an International Policy exam, Thursday was the debate I was hosting again mostly grad students about renewable energies, and Friday was a meteorology exam. To add it that, all I could wait for was this last weekend to go camping, which is a pretty decent lead into my next topic.

Went camping this weekend with a fantastic group of people, and I feel like I made three really good friends in the process, because I already considered myself good friends with the other 4. Looking at it, it seemed like it was going to be a really random group of people to go camping with, but it all turned out alright, and I think we all got along pretty well. #ThingsWeForgotToHashtag #AwkwardArm

Sorry, I didn't want to forget about that, it pertains to the sleeping arrangements of the trip haha.

Spent most of Saturday either cooking or at Turkey Run hiking, it was fantastic weather to be outside. Saturday night there was a considerable amount of disturbances in the dark that got people a little freaked out haha.

Yesterday evening I got asked if I wanted to sing bass for an a cappella group a friend is starting, and I'm super excited to see how this turns out, because as much as I enjoy Statesmen, smaller a cappella stuff is what I really enjoy, especially jazz.

Today I got to skype with Kaylee which was super fantastic to actually see her, so to speak, and catch up. I wish I'd hear from my other friends more often, I can't say that it doesn't bother me that they I don't hear from them more often, but I just have to look at that as how life goes, and at the end of the day it's their loss.

I don't have a ton of things left to say, life goes how it goes, and all I can do is hope for the best. Life is good, and I hope that it stays that way for a while.

Chicken Noodle and Cannibals

I'm going to straight up let it be known that I found three vicodin in my ibuprofen bottle, and I took some for my neck instead of the ibuprofen, and I have no recollection of it ever hitting me this hard.

I've mentioned it before, the sensation I feel when drugs start working on me, it's the weirdest thing ever.

I had chicken noodle soup, mashed potatoes, and some peanut butter m&ms for dinner, which is where I acquired a lovely bite mark on my arm thanks to a friend who will remain nameless.

Things in my life are pretty much turmoil, but that's how I prefer it.

I don't know what I want to study or do with my life.

I feel out of place in every class except marching band, landscaping class, and international politics.

My meteorology group is really getting to me.

I'm probably gonna make an appointment with my advisor to get my schedule worked on.

And socially things are sliding downhill.

I'm a fairly laid back and chill guy, and try to look for the best of every situation, but there are just some things that really get to me, no matter what.

-People who are unnecessarily rude when people are being polite. I said thank you, said you're welcome, or no problem, or any time, or something.

-You're a step and a half in front of me, hold the door.

-I held the door for you three times, say thank you, because I'm going to say you're welcome just to make you realize you were being rude.

-If you don't want to hang out, say so, don't make an excuse of it.

-People who don't reply to text messages. Not just like it took them a few hours, they just flat out never reply, ever.

-Clapping at movies, especially if the movie was bad.

-Girls who wear a ton of perfume to the gym, then work out for like 10 minutes and leave.

-When people handle adult situations in the most immature way imaginable.

I'm sure that those aren't all of them, but those are things that I've been aware of recently.

As it turns out, I'm not the only one who's noticed social shifts as of late, and I think it's kind of a relief.

Good things happen every day, but the good things get taken for granted, and don't really seem mention-worthy on here. My life isn't all bad though, but the things I talk about on here.

Anxiety Attacks and Calf Cramps

So I had a terrible thought during my workout this evening, which I didn't think I would even have today.

I don't know what I want to do with my life.

I want to have the pretty standard American dream, but I don't have means to attain it. I don't know what I want to study, I don't know what I want to major in, and I don't know what I want to see myself do every single day.

I love doing lots of things, but once I start doing that every single day, I start to hate it. I think back to being a music major, and I think I could do it again, though I would want to start from scratch. But then I think, what would I actually want to do if I was a music major? I don't want to teach or deal with composing or recording or anything, I simply want to perform.

It was just in general not a good train of thought, because I don't have a single freaking clue what I'm going to do.

I don't particularly care about any of my classes, I just think of them as things to keep me busy during the day. I don't go above and beyond to study, I do the bare minimum of work that I need to.

I talk to all these other people and they're so dead set on knowing what they want to do, and it makes me feel even worse.

I've never been one to fall into a category or to follow a trend, but I'd love to fall into the trend of knowing what I want to major in. The people who know me best said they expect that I'm going to get my feet wet in every puddle along the way before I decide where I want to go, but I feel like I've stepped in a lot of puddles and my feet are starting to get pruned. I love living each day looking forward to a limitless potential, and it's actually kind of becoming me, but it would be nice to wake up one day and know exactly what my goals and potentials are.

It's a rough life, being an upper-middle class white male attending a reputable university where he has too many options and possibilities for him to narrow it down in a reasonable time frame.

That was me downsizing my problems, because I'm pretty fortunate if that's my problem.

As always, my life is really not that bad, it only seems like it is right now because I've always known what people expect of me, but now I'm the one who needs to set the expectations.

I Think Best in the Shower

Am I the only one? I feel like I think way better and with a much more level head when I'm in the shower, and then I forget it all as soon as I step out. I took my usual second shower and it actually turned out I took almost an hour long shower, oh well. I'm in the study lounge on my floor because Peter has his lady over, which doesn't bother me in the slightest, but I just can't focus at all in there between them talking, the tv, and whatever I end up doing on my computer. It's exceptionally warm in this study lounge, and it's a bit nauseating.

So what's new with me... hmmm.....

First day back from fall break, two mid-terms could have gone much better than they did. But let's back track, what did I actually do over fall break.

Friday: Got home in the evening, ate food, felt sick, got my mom to watch The Walking Dead, went to sleep.

Saturday: Ran errands in the morning, hung out with Zack for while, stopped by to see the band. Said my goodbyes to Zack(what an outstanding fellow he is), ate some food, and was at work all night.

Sunday: I slept in really late, seeing as I got home around 7. I think I actually woke up about 1 or so, which was too bad because I was going to try to get lunch with a friend. I watched a movie and then went back to work again.

Monday: Slept in late again, despite that I was home around 2. I honestly don't have a clue what I did all day on Monday, all I know is that I didn't go visit the high school like I was planning so I could talk to McLean, Galovic, and Willian, two of whom would be delighted to hear that I'm thinking about going into education. Oh! I saw Bret in the afternoon and bought a cool hat. Then I took a walk through cool creek. Cleaned both of my trumpets really well too.

Tuesday: Meant to leave in the morning, but didn't. Saw my doctor about a possible sinus infection. Did lots of laundry. Played with my dogs. Tried to fix my bike. Helped my mom make cookies. Got back to to Ball State, played some clarinet for a while, and called it a night.

Today I was hoping for a few things to go differently than they did, and I guess that was quite apparent by the time band ended and I seemed really down and out. Well, it happens. I mentioned to Aaron that I have a blog, so I expect he'll be finding it sooner or later. I know I've only been back for one day, but I feel like I haven't hung out with anyone in ages.

I've got lots of cryptic stuff to say, but it's only going to put me in a bad mood if I start on it, so I'm not going to bother.

I Didn't Think I Had Anything To Say

I get sick of being so happy and optimistic, it's like the least rewarding hobby every. Some days I want to be an asshole, curse people out, laugh at the ugly kid, tell off the guy that I just can't stand, and generally do whatever the fuck I want, but then I leave my room and that frame of mind just doesn't stick with me.

I'm leaving in about 17 hours to go home for Fall Break. I'm looking forward to it, but more so I'm not. The only thing left for me in Westfield is the people, and they aren't there. I'm working two nights that I'm there, I need the money and bad. I'm not bringing any magic cards, they take up too much space and weigh too much for me to bother with. I'm bringing Jackson with me so I can give him a good cleaning in a tub, I'll probably bring Ben with me too. I'm excited to see my dogs, though I know they don't actually want to play with me, they want me to watch them play with each other. I might take a ride down the Monon trail, but it wont be the same if I don't stop at Dairy Queen on the way back with Collin, and that wont happen. I'll take a walk through the trails at Cool Creek at least once, if I'm lucky I'll be able to bring someone with me so I'm not so creepy. I'm gonna spend an evening at Shamrock Springs, if I'm lucky I'll get to watch a storm front come in. I'll stop by the high school just to say hello to a few teachers and get some input from people who actually know me, not like the stupid advisors that think they know me after a round of 20 questions. I'll work outside, I'm sure I need to move another truck load of dirt and mulch, probably mow the grass too. I'm gonna try to study for my mid-terms. And that's it, then it's back to the daily grind.

Maybe it's because I didn't get last weekend to unwind, but this is the worst I've felt all semester. Two weeks ago, I couldn't have been happier with my life, and that's not the case anymore. That's the problem when you live on an emotional and mental high, because when even the little things go wrong, it brings everything down with them. I look at my life, it I can see that it's amazing, that there are so many amazing things going on around me every day, yet I don't give a shit.

One of my friends has been mentioning zodiac signs and whatnot lately, so I gave mine a look. Every so often, I get really into zodiac signs and horoscope readings and spend a great deal of time on them.

Apparently, this week I'm supposed to handle work loads easily and will have promising income this week. Ironic that I'm working this weekend. I'm also supposed to have an emphasis on the important things in life, friends and happiness.

Now this is where I really get sold on horoscopes, because they have little bits for each day. It's still the 13th, and its expected that my energy levels will be exceptionally low today, and that's incredibly true. Tomorrow is supposed to be good for romance and gains, which also plays into some tentative plans I was laying out. Tomorrow is supposed to be a good day across the board for me, though any kind of offensive or violent actions will be tedious and unsuccessful. Saturday afternoon it says I'm going to be in a bad mood and have low self esteem. It says pretty much everything that I do on Saturday isn't going to work, except for violent and offensive actions.

If you want to be annoyed by me, be annoyed.

If you want to be irritated by me, be irritated.

If you want to think I'm a moron, go ahead.

If you want to be pissed at me, be pissed at me.

If you want to don't want to talk to me, then don't.

If you want to hate me, go for it.

If you want to do any of that, at least do it to my face.

So, Here I am Again

I'm back in my room, and suddenly struck with a piss-poor mood.

Despite my best efforts, my life is doomed to repeat itself in oh so many ways, as it is now. Due to my current going ons, Fringe and some "special" grapes, I'm not going to be going on about this for much longer, as I'll say something regrettable in the most major of ways.

Cardinals lost today, but I always have fun cheering as long as I can and being excited. That's about it.

Tangled at 2 AM

This will continue, and hopefully end, the series of really shitty tweets. I was able to restrain myself quite a bit today, because it would have been super ugly if I hadn't.

I was pretty much completely worn out last night to begin with, and had a substantial amount of homework to do. Just after 12, I got a call from a dear friend who needed some comforting and whatnot, so I did what any half-decent person would do, went over until they left better and could fall asleep.

That being done, I got to sleep about 4ish, and woke back up at 6 to finish my lab and reading assignments. And being the painfully self-image obsessed guy that I am, then went onto my morning routine and workout instead of getting another hour of sleep. That all settled down and classes started at noon like usual. After marching band I guess a group was playing some ultimate, and there wasn't a chance I was going to miss out on that. So that wore me out even more, more than I would have liked in all honesty.

So now I sit, and it's about 9, and I'm going to be asleep in the next hour or so.

And I guess I'm at the point that some of my friends here can read me easier than I'd like. It's a good thing, it means I've bonded with people, but my head is a messy and dangerous place. I don't really have a way to describe what's bothering me though is the problem, otherwise I'd probably open up at least a little with enough prodding. It's such a bothersome thing to have to get reacquainted with a group of friends. I don't know what kind of bonding went on during band camp and the first week of school, I just know I wasn't a part of it. I also know that I just kind of showed up out of the blue and without much background story to come with me, though this blog is a pretty comprehensive 2 years or so of background info. I'm sure stuff will come up eventually with these people, especially considering how long it's been since I took a liking to a group of people so quickly.

I've got some other stuff on my mind, but it's generally too unsorted for me to bother with. Homecoming is this weekend, gonna be super busy with that and whatnot. Colts game on Sunday, should be a long and fun day. This has been my usual update where I get to talk about myself and not feel guilty about it. Adios.

A Life Lived

I can't believe it'a already October! These years just seem to go by faster and faster. It feels like the semester has barely even started, and I'm staring down mid-terms now. And amongst all the excitement, I haven't had time to do anything on here in quite some time.

I'll start off talking about today, because this is happening now. I remembered sometime in the middle of the night that my first class isn't meeting today because most of them are on a field trip to Chicago, or at least I hope that class didn't meet today. And I've actually got a class going on right now, but I was working on my internship stuff, plus I have a runny nose, so I decided not to go. I haven't missed it yet, so I figure I'm in alright shape.

Internship.

I'm in the process of interviewing with Disney for a semester internship to live in Florida and work in the parks while taking classes and getting internship credit. I think I'm done with all of my actual interviewing, and all that's left is my audition in Chicago. And as excited as I am/was, I'm not sure about the whole thing. I'm on the fence as it is, and then I actually thought about the costs of auditioning. I'd have to skip one, possibly two, day(s) of class, spend what little money I have to fill up my car probably twice, find a place to park in Chicago and pay that fee, along with any other expenses. It's all terribly out of my price range. And my mom brought up a good point when I was talking to her. It might be a super amount of fun, what it boils down to is will it help me graduate, and is it worth leaving Ball State for a semester, because it means that next fall I would be returning as a Junior, and only spent one semester at the school. But that's not even what bothers me, I would miss everyone here. I'd miss them more than I could imagine. The choice is entirely up to me, and I think it's going to end up with me emailing them that I can't make it to an audition time due to academic and financial restrictions. If I still get offered another position, I'll take that as a personal victory, and then I'll have two weeks to think it over before they offer the position to someone else. I try to always go with my gut on important things, but my gut hasn't been the best way to go if the last 6 months have taught me anything. I miss performing the most, and performing at Disney would be amazing, living in Florida would be amazing, making connections with the people at Disney would be amazing, but my life right now at Ball State is pretty amazing too, and so are the people in my life.

It's no secret that I really didn't have a college experience last year. Yeah, I made a few really amazing friends that I still stay in touch with, especially since they're all about 20 minutes away, but these 6ish weeks blow my mind. Marching band is what I look forward to most every day, and if it's not a Mon/Wed/Fri, then I look forward to it being one of those days, so I can look forward to marching band. Statesmen is just alright, nothing too special, but it's the only place I can sing right now. I owe marching band for the awesome group of friends that I've made though. I don't think I'm actually friends with anyone who isn't in marching band that I didn't know before, except for like 2 guys in statesmen.

I think I've spent the last 5 days with Kelsey, Rachel, Aaron, and sometimes Alec. Aaron is a good guy, just so much fun to be around. I'm trying to convince him to room with me next year, it would be fantastic to share a suite with him, especially because we would have a kitchen facility to ourselves. Rachel is fun to be with too. I don't think I've ever hung out with her and she didn't start singing at one time or another. She's a music and theatre person too, so that works out really well. I'm actually still trying to figure Alec out. We're both technically sophomores, but I feel like a freshmen when he's around just because he's been here a year already and knows how things go. Kelsey is just fantastic. She's the only person I've ever met that comes close to my levels of excitement about life in general. Plus she cooks and gardens, so what else can I say?

I still want to major in like 5 things, all very unrelated. I want to double major in Political Science and Public Communications and go to the IU School of Law. I want to double major in Outdoor Architecture and Landscaping and start my own business. I want to study theatre and become a comedic actor. And everyone here is pushing me to education, and so is everyone back in Westfield. Truth is, I've thought about being a teacher since I was in like 2nd grade, and I think it could be really rewarding. But I also know that being a teacher doesn't bring in the big bucks, and having a strong sense of financial security is really important to me. I just wish that life was long enough that I could do everything, oh what a world that would be.

I'm actually getting kind of tired of the classes I'm in now, and next semester I'm going to start kicking out some of my core classes, and take some education and theatre courses as well. And I'm still set on the idea that if by the end of my third year of formal education, I'm going to take some time off and open my bakery. My mom is totally fine with that idea, and thinks I'll do incredibly well, but wants me to look at what my closest degree is to being completed, make that my major, and then go open the bakery, so I at least have some kind of college degree to fall back on and get me into law school.

Well, I've been writing for about 40 minutes or so, and I think that's about all I really have to say on here for now.

Rainy Days and Smiles

I mentioned on twitter that I needed to rant about slightly heavy girls like two day ago, and I'm going to rant on here for like 90 seconds.

So Monday was a cardio day for me in the gym, as was today. Well on Monday I was doing laundry, so my normally hour workout was closer to two. While I was on an elliptical, I noticed three girls, all slightly on the heavy side, come into the gym. All three entered and left before I was done on the one program I had set for myself. They would come in and do like 15 minutes on the elliptical, have one drop of sweat, and get off and leave. Or like 10 minutes of sprinting as fast as they can on a treadmill, and nothing else. It's like they know nothing about the components of a proper workout, especially one that is geared at fat burning. They drink their propel and wear their fancy workout clothes that cost an arm and a leg, and think that's going to do the trick. Screw warming up or warming down, and going through an extended amount of time on one machine? Nonsense. It's things like these that make me pity heavier girls for the wrong reasons. If they have the mindset that they'd like to loose weight, they shouldn't go at it quarter-hearted. Yeah, not even half-hearted, quarter-hearted. Weight loss isn't a 10 minute thing, because you might have burned a fraction of the sports drink that you're gulping down instead of simple water. If you aren't leaving your workout drenched in sweat, then you did something wrong. Ladies, when it's apparent that you've been working out-work out attire, water bottle, and so on- it's not a big deal if you walk through the halls kind of sweaty, just don't stay like that for the rest of the day.

Last night I went to bed around 12:30 like usual, and had the worst time sleeping. I think Peter was snoring really badly or something. I remember at one most he made a noise like some kind of large, hissing reptile that really freaked me out. I think I mentioned it on twitter, but I'm not sure. Around 5 I really couldn't sleep, soon enough it was 7:30 and there was light creeping past our blinds. Finally my alarm for 9 went off and I got up and took a shower. Peter got up around 10 and took a shower while I grabbed some breakfast.

My morning sucked, it just really really sucked, and it was all in my head. Last night got me in some trouble because I've been thinking too much. I'm pretty much an asshole in my mind, but it's not like I can change anything that I've already done, I can just stop it going any further.

Truth Moment- As much as I do my best to be the ideal guy who goes for personality in a girl and whatnot, looks are important. Looks are super important, and every guy can deny it and try to be that "ideal example" that every girl fawns after because of the movies, but unless the guy is blind, looks and general attractiveness are important.

This morning went on, and I don't quite remember where it hit me, but I hadn't been about of my building for 60 seconds before I realized that I hadn't smiled yet today, and to not smile in the first 3 hours of my being awake is a major problem. Then I realized that like nobody else was smiling either. So I decided to make today a "smile as much as you can and try to make someone else's day better" type of day. I think it was pretty fantastic, especially at a band rehearsal where moods like that tend to rub off on other people. I'm pretty alright with how much I got to smile despite how last night and my morning went, and I didn't have much in my life to smile about at the time.

One more thought before I end this. I know I place my trumpet playing abilities kind of up there, and getting recognition for that is super important to me. Anderson really beat that out of me, as I never saw anything but 3rd Trumpet. And joining the marching band late, I was given 3rd part because they always need more of the lower parts. Well I'm in campus band, which is pretty much come play if you want. There are around 18 trumpets or so, and until yesterday people had been playing whatever part they wanted, and being trumpet players they all wanted first. So I was content playing 2nd and minding my own business until SURPRISE! We're gonna have 90 second auditions to make sure that people are playing the right parts! It was fantastically rewarding when we moved seats to have 4 or 5 people on my left(people playing higher parts than me) end up on my right or in the row behind me, and getting to take the seats that they left behind, meaning 1st trumpet. I know it's campus band, and there's two people that are technically higher than me on the list, but it was a good ego boost, especially because I beat someone in the marching band playing a higher part than me, as well as the stupid guy who quit the marching band because it wasn't worth his time and he was better than all of us and joined this group instead.

Well, it's about 9:30 and I have homework to get to.

One Step Closer

As more and more people that I actually know in real life follow me on twitter, that means more and more people are that much closer to seeing this blog, which would be super super terrible and stressful if about 6 people in particular read this.

-I was going to have more to say, but I need to get back to what I was doing because a fire alarm just took about 20 minutes of my time, and now I'm slightly rushed to get everything done. TTFN.

Red and Black, The Ready Set

I think I just wrapped up the third week of the semester? I don't actually know. I've noticed that it's one of the fantastic things about not being at your first year of college, is that even just a day or two of my being away from home felt like weeks, and right now it feels like I haven't been home in months. I miss my dogs a lot more this time around, and I miss Shamrock Springs. I miss people too, but I know if I went back home it wouldn't do much good, because the people I miss aren't there.

My mom left on a flight to Kansas at 6:30 this morning, she'll be gone for 11 days this time around. My aunts and uncles in Kansas are getting really shitty, and I kind of don't want to be associated with them anymore. They all switch on and off going there to stay with my grandpa since my nana passed, and stay for about 2 weeks or so and just keep him company and stuff. I feel bad for not talking to him more, because I know that some days he doesn't see or talk to another person, and as sad as it is to think about, he's got maybe a year or so left, if that. But the way that the schedule works for people to go in and visit is everyone has a calendar of their commitments and whatnot, and obviously the ones with full-time jobs don't go as often, but next weekend is my family weekend, and I know my mom wanted to come up to see the marching band at the first home game, but she'll be in Kansas, and I don't want just my dad to come up because we just have an awkward relationship, he can't really figure me out and I've decided I want to be nothing like him. He and Julie were out at a hookah bar tonight, which I just find beyond bizarre, but I don't really care because it doesn't effect me.

Julie is looking at moving out too, finally. She just turned 22, and the idea of moving out just finally hit her. Apparently there's still people from her high school days that talk to her, and they're looking for a 3rd person to go in on a house. The basement could use some work, but they're gonna give her a deal if she takes the basement room. My mom said she'd be looking at about 200 dollars a month, plus utilities. When I was talking to my mom, part of me wanted to make it sound like she shouldn't do it, because she's not prepared enough. This is true, but as long as she still lives at home and has never lived on her own, it makes me look that much better. But if she moves out in the next month or two, that means around Christmas break my house might actually have a chance at being cleaned, and staying clean for more than a day. And when I'm home on breaks and stuff, I won't have to worry about walking into the bathroom and stepping onto an elevation of 8 inches of her dirty clothes. I'm all for her moving out now.

I really want to have another New Years party, it's been like 2 years. The problem is that I'm at the point that I have just the weirdest combination of friends that I would invite, because there's like 2 or 3 people from each of my groups of friends that I've stayed in touch with, on top of the generic Westfield people that I would want to invite so I could see them. It also makes it so that there would be way too many people at my house for me to deal with. And why hide it? I want to have a New Years party where if people want to get smashed and stay the night, they can, and I know that won't happen at my house because of my dad, my mom would probably be alright with it if I told her the details and whatnot, she's cool like that.

This weekend should be alright. I kind of wasted my Friday away, but I don't really care because once I finish this I'm going to go back to the fitness room in the basement for an hour before a shower and then bed. Tomorrow I have a retreat with the Statesmen, and as soon as I get done with them I'm going to go hop on a shuttle and spend the rest of my weekend with some friends in Anderson. I think it was yesterday, that I was walking somewhere, and I suddenly kind of missed it there. I have a strange habit of getting involved with things that aren't good for me, getting away, and then feeling pulled back into them. It's the addictive poison I've mentioned before. I'm going to take a walk through the music building when I get there, see who I bump into. Not really to gloat or anything, just to keep doors unlocked with certain individuals. That was possibly the only thing I look back with a positive memory of, is that the staff there were really accommodating and helpful when it came to helping students find opportunities. I'm not banking on seeing anyone key or anything, just the possible pass-by and then they realize they remember me or something.

I realize I haven't really talked about anything important this time around, just my life I suppose. I'm alright with it, because I find myself without anyone to really just sit down and talk to, something I alway take for granted until I don't have it. Despite all these people around me all the time, I feel just kind of generally lonely. I have friends here and people I can spend time with, but I'd really enjoy it if for once I didn't always have to go around and try to find plans to tag along with, I'd like to actually be invited for once because they thought that I'd be fun to have in the group. But now I'm bitching and whining about my life, which is cushy and fantastic compared to a lot of people.

Week One Plus Three Days

Second week has started of the semester, it's not too bad. My books are all in except for one which I ran out of cash to buy, so I'm kind of screwed on that. Classes are starting to get a bit more intense and whatnot, assignments are gonna be due soon. But the plus side is that I can actually do them now because I have the books.

Meteorology is a serious contender for a major or minor right now. All we've done so far in the class is study clouds and finished learning how to isopleth, and both are kind of fantastic. International Policy is a really interesting class, and I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be learning yet, but I'm doing really well in the class discussions because I feel like it's all common sense. But then lies the question, in a class of 60, why are only like 8 of us talking if it's all common sense. Leadership Communications is a really easy so far, first assignment is due tomorrow at midnight. Friday we played with clay to show what leadership means to us, so of course I made dinosaurs with mine. Marching Band is marching band, the other new guy I complained about last time is really starting to get under my skin, but he wants to quit the ensemble anyway, he said it's not worth his time and he doesn't care about marching band like he used to. That's Mon/Wed/Fri.

Environmental Law is without a doubt my least enjoyed class so far, just because it's full of grad students and adults returning to get their under gads, I'm the youngest without a doubt. Intro to Landscaping seems really cool, but there's no book for the class, so I'm kind of confused on that. Then Statesmen is the male chorus, not much else to it, and then campus bands, which is just super easy music.

I'm sitting in the study lounge above my floor because despite having Peter gone like all day, I wanted some more privacy, and I'm not looking forward to going back now because this quiet time is just what I needed, no tv's, no music, no roommate, no people in the hallways or bathroom, just me, myself, and my thoughts. Got to talk to Kaylee for a length of time which was nice.

My weekend was alright, worked plenty, played some magic, did some yard work, and got some things resolved. I guess I'm kind of officially employed at American Eagle, I'm not exactly sure of the specifics on it, but I at least work there for floor sets, though wouldn't mind working more as sales staff while I' home. My dogs hardcore didn't want me to leave either, it was one of the most adorable things I've seen them do and I hope I never forget it.

-The lights on the other half of the study room just shut off because they're motion activated, and I get the sensor can't see me over here.

So I guess I've just got one thing kind of persisting in my head. I tried to talk about it earlier, but it was super hard to find what I was trying to say, because I hadn't thought about it depth enough. Saw Lauren for about 20 minutes while I was home. It was the first time I had seen her one on one since sometime really early in the summer. I had bumped into her just around Westfield over the summer, but that's what happens when someone works at a movie theatre and when I go back to see how the band is doing. I had her birthday gift to get her because her birthday was early in the summer before everything got weirdish. It was something that I might have used in the very far future, but ultimately I didn't want or need it. I couldn't get it to her on her actual birthday because her mom was possibly being nosey, and the item wasn't entirely legal in my possession, let alone hers.

It was cool seeing her this weekend, she's a cool enough person, and as for the remaining high school kids that I know go, she's alright. I was alright to see her because getting her birthday present off of my dresser was like the last rock left in my shoe. It's gone, and now I'm comfortable as ever. But anyways, I've got to get to bed, because I have my early class tomorrow, and I've been typing this for over an hour.

This has been my allotted "I'm so important and I like to talk about me" time for a few days. Tootles!

Snap Keep Real College

If you don't understand the title, then you're not cool enough to explain it to.

I've got about 90 minutes to kill before I need to head to my first class today, so I'm just kind of looking for something to fill the time. I moved around my morning for two things, skype, and the fact that now I've got marching band for two hours, and that a 45 minute workout in the morning isn't quite as important Mon/Wed/Fri. I kind of feel fantastic though, because all I ever want to do now is work out, and it's only been like a week, it's like that first good stretch after you wake up, except like whenever I want it.

I'm ok with my classes right now, even though I feel like I'm already way behind in everything. I don't like environmental law and policy that much, mainly because the room is so hot that it makes me feel sick, and my leadership communication class kind of sucks too, the professor(the only one that I have that isn't a Doctor) treats us like we're little kids, and says certain words really weird, and has a big gap in her front teeth. Otherwise, she seems alright. It's nice having lecture hall style classes, it's what I wanted in college, to be able to take it upon myself to learn the material, and not have to rely on an instructor that sucks like they did at Anderson.

Marching Band is fantastic. They're still writing me into the show, so I only get to hop in like every third run or so and it's just for a minute or two, otherwise I'm on the sidelines playing for now. I was the 20th trumpet, and then some other guy joined, bumping it up to 21, which actually upset the section because they enjoy even numbers. I was requested to join their facebook group too, and I saw they had a two day discussion about me. I also saw that next Friday there's a "sectional" at one of the upperclassmen's apartment, I'm looking forward to it, especially because theres, I think, 6 or 7 guys in the section. A bulk of the marching band itself is female, it blew my mind.

Two things have come up that I remember hating. Listening to a section leader(I have three for BSU Pride) and having to start from scratch reputation wise. During Statesmen(male chorus) the guy next to me asked if I knew which part was the second tenor, like seriously asked me if I knew what part to look at. I almost made a really rude comment because I was insulted, then remembered I have no reputation or credibility here. And at Pride the other new guy was talking down to me. I'm playing 3rd trumpet for now, but I anticipate that changing, because just sight-reading I was playing better than them. It's not even hard music. But the other new guy was playing just a ton of wrong notes, and then asked if I had ever seen a marching band before. Whoa, hold up. And then I almost made another really rude comment, and remembered my lack of credibility and reputation. That's gonna be my downfall in life, is having to rebuild my credibility every time I go somewhere new. And while we were on the sidelines we were chatting a little bit, and he joined because he needed an ensemble, and couldn't understand why I joined for fun. Then pretty much went on a spiel about what a horn dog he is, without saying it. Yeah, sure, I can dig the male:female ratio in the section, but it's not worth a 15 minute conversation you ass.

One day, the things I write on here are really gonna come back and bite me in the ass.

Nothing else worth mentioning. Well, that's a lie, there's a few other things going on that are pretty neat, but I don't quite have the words yet to put anything on here yet. I'll just say that I'm looking forward to the next time that everyone is back in Westfield on some kind of break, which will most likely be Thanksgiving unless I feel like going for a drive. And with that, I might have just said enough :p.

255

So this is officially my first post from within my new dorm.

My roommate spent the night with his girlfriend, so I had the room to myself over night for the first time. It's cold cold and I think the humidity in the room is kind of high, but I can deal with it. Peter is alright, but we don't seem to have a ton in common. I think he's one of those guys that's just a generally nice guy that it's hard to disagree with, but not one of those people that you just love to death and want to hang out with every single night.

Nobody on our floor leaves their door open at all, it's kind of lame. I can tell that people are in there, they just choose to not be social at all. So I haven't actually made any new friends yet, just people I knew from hanging out here before, or people from Westfield.

I don't really have anything too interesting or dramatic to say, so this is turning out to be a kind of lame post.

I did get placed from the wait-list into the class for my Into to Landscaping class, so I had to drop my Planet Earth class to make it fit, so I'm only at 14.5 hours now, but I also emailed the music department asking about ensembles and whatnot, so I'll probably round out to 15 or something. I've got to get myself over to the career center sometime soon though, get a job and whatnot.

I did think of something that irks me a little bit. I was supposed to see someone on my last day in Westfield to say goodbye, something I really wanted to do, and he totally blew me off, didn't even send me a text, and all because of some girl. I love this kid to death, and I can't imagine not knowing him, but when it comes to the law of bros-before-hoes, he's a grade-A Benedict Arnold. I don't even know if that was a correct reference, but you certainly get the point.

And as for leaving past worries behind where they belong, that kind of went out the window already. First notification that I had on Facebook after getting here was not something I particularly wanted to see, and then they were somewhat intoxicated last night and started texting me. It wasn't anything bad, just that they missed me already, and wanted to hang out next time I'm home, even if it meant waiting until Thanksgiving. Forgive me for being confused, because when I mentioned during my last week I'd like to get lunch or something, and they didn't respond at all when I was throwing out times, but clearly would like to hang out now that I'm gone.

So I ended up having some dish to talk about, but I've actually got to get going now, trying to be social this time around at the start of college.

Reflections in Pavement

I'm going to say for starters, that you can't really see a reflection in most pavement, and if you can then something is seriously weird.

I took Raven for a long walk today, it's been a while since I had any quality time with her. I might actually miss her and Jack more than anyone and anything. Yeah, they cause trouble and bark and I can't for the life of me keep them from smelling to high heaven, but there's something about a dog. I really regret spending so much time away from my house about now, because I'm not quite sure how dogs perceive things like someone not being around for weeks/months at a time. I'm sure they're aware that I'm in the house, but there are some days that I don't even look at them. I'm home for one more week, and that's totally gonna change.

Long walks also give you lots of thinking time, something that's always proved dangerous in the past for me.

The other night I said that this summer worked out exactly how it was supposed to, and it did. It worked out exactly how it was supposed to because that's what happened in the end. I'm not exactly ok with how everything has gone, not in the least, but that's how it all unfolded so that's that. I spent this summer digging for old opportunities that I'd previously tossed aside, and I regret that. I don't regret doing everything I can possibly think of to change someone's mind about me, but I somewhat regret letting it come up again when it was in the past. I don't see myself stopping either, because I'm a fickle guy and I'll fall flat on my face for the bait every single time. I've talked a lot more on the phone this summer too, which is a lot different from strictly texting. I've regretted a few of the phone calls I've made this summer, regretted them as much as anything I've done. I was at the band this morning too with Amanda again, I really wish I had been working with them this summer, as much as everyone has told me I need to distance myself from Westfield. I personally think they're full of bullshit, because I enjoy what I do there, and it would have been a great job. Today completely revealed something to me, in combination with the conversation from my last night frisbee conversation. Reading that score and listening to the band play along, it's obvious that there's no way that music is out of my life any time soon, along with something else that I'll leave unmentioned.

I got my scheduling done for the fall, and it really kicks ass. I didn't realize what it was like to go in and literally pick every single class you want, versus going in, being handed 14-17 hours of classes you're forced to take, and then getting to squeeze in an additional class if you can. Even the times of my classes kick ass.

Mon/Wed I start at noon. Yes, noon. And I'm done at 3.

Tues/Thurs/Fri I start at 10, not too bad either. Tues/Thurs I'm done at 4:20, Friday at 3.

I'm really happy with my classes, and they cover a really broad spectrum of topics.

International Policy and Affair.

Environmental Law.

Leadership Skills and Qualities.

Earths Environment and Its' Qualities.

Lab for Earths Environment^.

Elementary Meteorology.

Statesmen Vocal Group.

I'm currently wait-listed for Into to Landscaping, and I'll know about that next week.

I'm completely ready to be at Ball State and back in a college setting, I'm just not ready to be away from about 12 people or so, and if I could take them up to Ball State, and move a handful of locations up there too, I'd be the happiest guy in the world.

I've got to wrap this up soon. It hasn't really been a soul-bearing post or anything, but just kind of a reflection I suppose. I'll try to update this thing every other night or so while summer wraps up, and then I'll see what happens once I'm at Ball State.

And Another Chapter Closes

I've gone from my 10 day count down to my 7 day count down. In one week, I'll be sleeping in my bed for the last time for quite some time, and this time it feels like it's going to be a lot harder to leave than last year.

This summer, through all of it's good and bad, has just been such an impacting summer for me, and today really got me thinking.

I'd say I remembered what a good heartache felt like, which was one of those humbling things that proved I'm not quite as invincible as I tell myself I am. It'd been over 2 years since I let anything really get to me, so I think it was good to remember that.

There are so many people that I'm just not ready to let go of yet, these people are as good as family to me, and I'd gladly give my life for some of them. And recently I've seen the true natures of a few people who really shocked me. I'm just gonna list a few people that I'm just gonna be at a loss without because of this summer.

Collin, possibly more than anyone. Even just tonight, had the most awesome time playing night frisbee, and it might have been our last time for a while because he leaves on Sunday, and from our schedules, it sounds like I'm going to be lucky to see him one more time.

Bret, I'm sure I'll see him around, but it's been an interesting last two weeks or so. Things happen and people change, but I see Bret being around for the long haul.

Kaylee, probably out-ranks Bret. I can't even begin to say everything she's done this summer, and it sucks that she's in the position that she has to watch everyone leave and move out almost last among her friends. It doesn't start out too bad, but it gets harder and harder to see each person leave.

Tim, our paths will cross again, it may take a while, but it will happen soon or later.

Jessi, it's a shame we crapped out on hanging out, but we've got skype and the occasional visit back to little old Westfield.

In reality, there are dozens more people that I'm going to miss and think about, and I'm fortunate enough to have a handful of them up at Ball State with me, and I hope they know that I have no intentions of letting them slip away. I't fine to go to college and make new friends, but it's summers like this that prove that you can't turn your back on your old friends.

Even just typing this, I know it's going to be a lot more difficult to leave this year. I know I didn't get around to seeing a lot of the people that I wish I had, but I feel like everything kind of worked out exactly the way it was supposed to work out. There are definitely still some people that I would like to see at least one more time and have some kind of significant goodbye, but I don't know that I'll get that luxury.

I have a million things I want to say, but I'm getting more and more sleepy by the minute, so I'll wrap it up.

Life is funny, even when sometimes the jokes suck, and the best thing to do is smile as much as possible.

Green Drink

I'm writing this first little portion as a simple act of preserving my intellectual ownership of the drink, Green Drink, as well as its recipe, on the terribly off-chance that after I talk to a marketing representative at the Coca-Cola headquarters, they like my drink, and then try to screw me out of ownership of the idea.

Green drink is a combination of three beverages produced by the Coca-Cola company. I first made the drink in August of 2007 at a local McDonalds after a particularly hot day of band practice. Collin Winkle was with me, bore witness too, has made Green Drink, and has seen me make Green Drink on numerous and uncountable occasions, and most recently yesterday, July 24th, 2011. -Cate Vickery also bore witness to this, and asked me to make her a cup of Green Drink as well.

Other witnesses to Green Drink include, but are not limited to, Tim Buszka, Bret Mattingly, and Lauren Crumble.

I am the sole intellectual contributor to Green Drink, including it's ingredients and name.

Green Drink is intended to quench thirst and replenish fluids without the use of caffination, carbonation, or excessive amounts of calories.

Green Drink is a mixture of Minute-Maid Lemonade Lite, Hi-C Orange Flavored Drink, and Powerade Mountain Blast.

The three beverages mentioned in the previous statement are property of Coca-Cola, and I in no way claim ownership to them, only the idea and recipe of Green Drink.

The recipe of Green Drink.

Most often a large McDonalds beverage cup is used.

The cup is to be filled with 2/3 Minute-Maid Lite, just over 1/6 Hi-C Orange Flavored Drink, and another 1/6 Powerade Mountain Blast.

The result is a beverage with a green color, thus the name, and incredibly refreshing qualities.

I, John Kenneth Steele, claim ownership to the idea, name, and recipe of Green Drink.

I am in no way affiliated with Coca-Cola Industries.

I plan to present my idea to a marketing representative of Coca-Cola Industries before the end of August 2011.

One Half-Giant

I've been out of the movie for over 2 hours now(Harry Potter 7-2) and I'm still processing it in my head. It hit me last night, and even kept me awake for a while, that I would be seeing the last movie in less than 24 hours. It was really quite sad to think about. It was like after the marching band season ended senior year. It had been a part of my life for such a long time, and then it was just over. Except this has been part of my life since I started reading larger books. When they came out, Harry Potter was some of the biggest books I had ever read in my life, and I know that it's over, and as much as I want more, anything more won't fill the void, wont be the same, just wont work for me.

For those that have yet to see the movie, I don't want to spoil anything, so read with caution.

I spent the early hours finishing every little detail to my costume, making it as good as could be, and by 2:30 I was helping to destroy the Horcrux's with friends. We went to eat at steak and shake, then arrived at the movie just after 8 pm. We discovered that they had started seating people already, which was a plus and a minus. It was a bit more comfortable rather than standing in line for 3-4 hours, as I was in a sweater, a vest, and a fleece trench coat. I did miss the aspect of waiting outside with everyone though. But it was nice being in a room of people that are just as excited as you are. Auditorium 6, I will never forget. We were all so alike, we laughed at the same things, clapped together, chanted, played games. I just loved the population as a whole. It was also a huge ego/self-esteem boost that I needed, because I got stopped to take photos probably 40 times by complete strangers. I noticed dozens of other times I would see a flash that was pointed at me, as someone tried to snap a picture quickly without my noticing. I only saw one other Hagrid, and he flat out said that I blew his costume out of the water. There was really only one word that I could use to describe tonight, it was magic. It was the built up energy and excitement and love over the last 10 years, and there in front of us was the last outlet.

The movie was as perfect as I could have imagined it, every moment was bliss. I drank probably 80 ounces of fluid before the movie, and of course as soon as the previews start, I had to pee. I gave my bladder no say in my life for the next 2 1/2 hours, and found myself peeing for probably 3 minutes straight when we got out. TMI? Maybe, but I want to look back at this post a great deal of time from now and remember everything. There were the most delightful little troupe of Very Potter Musical characters, always saying "totally awesome" and whatnot. I posed for a picture with Buckbeak with the lot of them. I may have mentioned on here that the last time I cried was when I was 11. Toy Story 3 made a tear well up, but nothing came of it. The last time that I cried was when I was 19, on July 15th. Theres a scene as Harry is about to head into the Dark Forest, and he knows he's going to die. He gives Hermione a hug, and he just looked at Ron, nobody said anything, there was nothing that needed to be said. There was just something about that moment that reminded me of the friends I hold closest to me, as well as how impact-full that scene really was.

And it was really neat to watch them back in Hogwarts, going through some of the places they had previously been, like The Chamber of Secrets. And to see the professors be so happy to see Harry back and fighting, it was emotional, in a perfect way. The whole movie was like the packaging for an iPhone, nothing excessive, it's neat and presentable and does exactly was it needs to do. Nothing lacking at all, you're amazed how they did it, and you and only sit in disbelief at the wonder that's in front of you.

My one complaint with the movie is that they changed a few things, like a pep talk to Harry, the entire Gay Dumbledore plot line was missing as well. But I didn't mind, not one bit. They glazed over the members of The Phoenix who had fallen in the fight for Hogwarts, I wish there had been a little more camera time for it to sink in fully, but it was there. They missed the fact that Harry and Ginny raised Lupin and Tonks son at the end though, I thought that was also important.

I can't complain about anything though. I loved it. I loved everything about my experience, I did it the right way, as a 7 foot tall lovable character who had all of 3 lines in the whole movie.

In 30 years, would I take my kids to go see a remake? Hell no, I'd be calling up my adult friends from Westfield and going to the midnight release, my kids can wait. Not that I'm saying there's anything to remake, they could just add in things that they took out the first time around. And Emma Watson should still be in it, because one day I'm going to marry her.

Stationary Faces

I feel like I'm living the life of a hamster. I sit contently in my little world, there's some tubes I can run through, a wheel, and food. People drop in now and again to see me, but in the end I'm the one stuck doing the same things, every single day.

Fuck, I'd even settle for being back in school right now, Westfield or Anderson, at least then I had something to do 5 days a week. Lots of my friends have almost full time jobs, or take classes this summer, or do something productive with their time. Me? I have the same options, every single day. Watch movies, ride my bike, work outside, or fill out my 67th application for this summer. Ok, maybe there's a little more than that, but it feels like I have the same 5 options open to me every day while everyone else goes off and does productive stuff.

Here's a tricky part, remembering my train of thought, because I started this several hours ago but forgot that I was cooking, and now I'm trying to resume it. It's not looking like I'm going to remember what I was going to say though.

I had a conversation about Generation Y, and how we're going to make bank after it came up earlier this week and I googled it later. My mom had to chime in that Julie is a part of that generation too, but she's like the anti-generation Y, she's not gonna make a ton of money, she's not self motivated to make things work. She's just, there.

OH! And she's started cooking lately, because I keep getting more attention because of the stuff that I've been baking. I can't say she's bad at cooking, and some things even look alright, but she hasn't changed at all. My mom always told me that the difference between Julie and I when we cook is that she cooks for attention, secret ingredients, and strange recipes, while I cook for the joy of cooking and to show my affection and appreciation for people. She just tried to make some kind of dessert and hide coconut in it and make my mom guess what was in it.

I'm cleaning out my closet, there's so much junk in there. My goal is to keep about 40% of the stuff in there, and put the rest in a garage sale or to goodwill. I'm incredibly nostalgic, so it's really tough. I remember exactly where and when like 98% of the stuff in there came from. I'm also gonna make an ebay account to help get rid of the stuff that's collectors worth.

I don't have much else to say right now, got a text from the pest in my head, she's playing wheel of fortune and the answer was "Plaid Flannel Shirt" and she thought of me.

I'm really ready to be at Ball State and on my own again. I'm pretty much free to do whatever I please here, but it's different when you're actually at college. I don't know, I'm just tired of things the way they are right now.

All Systems Go

After getting shut down for 50+ hours and no ethernet, I'm finally back online. That was a rough two days haha. My dad is super anal about letting me on his computer, which is the one that controls the internet. My mom finally told me the password and I had the network back up and running in less than 90 seconds, I'm kind of pro like that.

New stuff to report?

Definitely gonna get a little bit more into free running.

EDH formats are super beastly and fun.

I've lost most of my skill at Team Fortress 2.

I've got 2 displaced tendons in my left wrist.

Making myself keep playing my trumpet- If I'm only gonna take like 13 hours this semester I'm gonna be in at least two ensembles.

I'm most likely going to join the Statesmen at Ball State, but they only do 4 shows a year. But that runs into a problem, because all you have to do is register for the class, meaning it's an open choir, meaning it could suck. I'm kind of a snob when it comes to which music groups I want to associate myself with, and might join them and hope I'll find a smaller group of acappella singers within.

My beard is not to bad at all.

Working on finishing a massive collaboration of DVD's I've been making through the month, but I'm gonna have to move the image files to my dads computer because my burner has crapped out on me.

I never complained about The Green Lantern. Just not a good movie at all. It was entertaining, but it didn't pull me in, nor do I have any desire to see the sequel that they set up at the end. I'm glad I only spent 5 bucks on it.

Heavy Hearted

So it's been quite a day. It's been quite a last few days.

It started on Friday, I was registered and ready to kick some magic ass at the Fashion Mall, when I decided I would check Facebook Mobile randomly. What's the first thing I see in my newsfeed? "In a relationship". What was below that? A wall post ending in "love you <3"

That was pretty devastating, and honestly lead to me being more messed up than I think I've ever been. I've had plenty of stress headaches in my life, by living a stressful life, but this was unlike anything I've dealt with. The first bracket started maybe 15 minutes later, I was deciding if I wanted to drop out or not, but too late, the pairings were posted.

I was fortunate enough to be paired with Bret, I'll say that was fates way of throwing me a bone after dropping a boulder on me. I ended up beating him, but I told him to report it differently so it would help him for the rest of the night. Game one I was thinking clearly and had a good win, second game I played a few things wrong and lost, third game walked into the one situation that would let me win. Had to drop though, too much on my mind, headache was thriving, and I felt like I was going to throw up. I can't remember any times that I really think I was just 100% miserable, but that makes the list. Just thinking about the situation makes my stomach churn.

I went home and took a large number(within healthy reason) of pills which did little to nothing. Sitting at home alone was going to kill me, so I went to a bon fire. Got shit because I needed to sit with my phone and talk it out with some really awesome people before I went insane.

About 36 hours of that feeling was just more than I could take, and decided it was time to talk it out. I was kind of surprised at how well it went. It wasn't a run-around either, it was exactly what she thought it was. I left that conversation with the heaviest heart you could imagine. It was all about stupid prom dinner, and how my suggestion ended up controlling the night, and taking control of the situation away from them. For one, it was still a stupid-ass thing to get mad about, and it showed that they're really not as mature as they think they are if something like that makes you decide that "I'm through with this person". A second reason came up, that I respected a great deal.

I'm John Steele, and I don't expect that half the things I get myself into are safe, let alone legal. She couldn't put herself though being with someone who she constantly had to worry about what I was drinking that night, what construction zone I found my way into, or what I might be lighting on fire on the particular night. As incredibly sweet as I thought that was, I don't need a babysitter, I'm alive and thriving.

I don't take any credit for the prom dinner problem, I still don't see that I did anything wrong at all. But I'm kicking myself slightly right now, because all those things I did were because there was just nothing better to do. I can't find a job to save my life, I'm not taking summer classes, and I feel like I have a year of college experiences I need to make up for because Anderson sucked. I've not exactly liked some of the things I've found myself doing lately, and I kind of miss being really responsible and too busy beyond all reason to get myself into any trouble. I'm gonna call that Goody John, and I'm Cannon John right now. Dangerous things are fun, but I feel like I might be close to working them all out of my system.

I don't want to say that this is the event that made me want to kind of clean up my act a little bit like I used to, but I might feel better if I did. I've been saying that I've been off of my game for a few months, and I've been a loose cannon for a few months now.

I'm about ready to wrap this up, because it's 3:10 in the morning, and I thought I was going to bed half an hour ago. But I've got one more thing to add. I kind of tossed music aside, even playing my trumpet just wasn't fun like it should have been. It's left a strange void that hasn't ever been empty, because I've been playing since 4th grade, and I grew up with it having a place in my life. I painfully miss singing right now, I watch acappella videos on youtube all day long. I also really miss acting. Something recently has just put me in a perfect villainous mindset, I could absolutely play one right now in a thriller, and I've always been a supporting lead of a comedy type of mindset. But I'm really getting tired now, and my stomach is starting to be bitchy with me, so I'm going to call it a night while it's technically morning.

Not a Wall

So right now, I really wish that people took more consideration of my thoughts and feelings. It's more of an everyday little thing situation, but a few situations in particular.

I spent a large portion of the time period that you kind of decide who you are pretending that little things didn't even phase me, and tried to put up a pretty invincible front. It worked for a long, loooong time and it became me, I had an incredible and invincible mentality and attitude about everything I came across in life. Living that for almost 5 years was kind of awesome, but now it's that much more devastating when I find the little things that I can't ignore, and really hit below the belt. That leads to all the other little things I never noticed becoming a huge pain in the ass too.

I've not been on the top of my game for the last few months, and I know I blame Anderson for a lot- but that's probably a good part of it. I feel kind of lumpy and unrefined. I'm not at a breaking point, but I might shatter before the end of the summer if things don't turn around at least slightly.

I enjoy things, but nothing is really satisfying. There's just kind of a vital chunk of me that's missing, and I don't know what it is. I do lots of yard work, I try to make every 3rd day a day for nothing but being social and being with friends, I've starting noodleing around on my trumpet again, my room is almost back in order(something that it hasn't been in years). All these things should be at least somewhat satisfying I feel like, but they just aren't.

But on a brighter note, I guess it's a brighter note, I've really gotten back into baking. I'm still considering baking for hire for the rest of the summer, I think it'd be a really cool job. Just yesterday alone, I was told 6 times that I need to be a chef, forget the whole law school idea and go to culinary school and open a bakery. Despite being encouraging, that hit me hard, because it was really tough to decide that culinary school wasn't for me. I'm know it's in my to get myself through law school, and the perks are so much better, but I just don't know at all.

I found a quote a while ago that I felt like it fit for me lately. "Some build walls to keep people out, others build walls to see who cares enough to tear them down."

So there, that's my update.

Silly Mentionings

I've spent the better part of all day on facebook, or I would have posted this on there as well. I'll just be happy knowing that I put it somewhere that it wont be lost forever, the internet.

So I've been hardcore cleaning my room, throwing out stuff left and right. It's easier than I thought it would be, but it's still hard because I flip through old notebooks and remember exactly what they were for and such. Well I'm currently looking at my "Rock Formation: About Me" from 8th grade. We filled them out at the beginning of the year, got them back at the end. There's a picture too, I've grown into my nose and ears.

A lot of the stuff is pretty general, name, age, birthday, siblings, blah blah blah.

I laughed when I read this: Best Subject in school? Band if it counts, it not then Math.

Holy fuck, I never remember thinking math was my best subject. The only logical reasoning is that during the course of 8th grade I realized math sucks, isn't important, forgot I was ever good at it, and when all out for music.

Social Studies was listed as my most difficult subject. I'd agree to that at the time.

Three words I picked to describe myself: obnoxious, sarcastic, and laid back.

I still have to agree for the most part on that.

I also found a timeline of my future, we were instructed to complete it in pencil.

I wanted to take a year off after high school and try new things. Didn't know where I wanted to go to college, but wanted to study "Art, computer graphics, and computer programing".

There was also a section asking about high school(This looks like it was filled out near the end of the year, as it asked questions about my 8th grade year), and what I thought the best part would be. I'm proud of my answer: Marching Band, Thespians, and the art classes.

Enough said.

Comes Summer

It's been well over a month since I've been on here, mostly due to my on and off computer access. It's really weird to think, that I'm going into my 6th week of being home from Anderson already.

Well I guess I'll cover what I remember, as the last time I updated was at the end of April.

I've been home, haven't really done too much. I've spent a lot of time working outside, and I still can't see much difference. Went to some open houses, been catching up with people.

In all honesty, I don't remember much outside of the last week.

There was something I really wanted to complain about for a LOOOOOONG time, and I'm going to do it right now.

I've been working outside constantly for close to 2 months now, and I feel like I have more muscle mass. I'm sick of all these special workouts, personal trainers, fancy diets, low calorie foods, vitamin supplements, and tv shows about loosing weight. It's fucking ridiculous. Want to get ripped? Go do some manual labor. I'm basing this rant off of people from way back when. Way back when you woke up every morning to go tend the fields or something. They were ripped, healthy, and ate whatever the fuck they wanted and didn't think about calories. The world today is doing nothing but breeding complicated solutions for a simple answer. You don't need the abdominal blaster 3000, or whatever other shit they're telling you to use. Go work outside. Dig some holes, carry bags of dirt, chop some wood, do something, I don't give a shit. But the next person I hear about them going to a gym, using special machines for problem areas, talking about what their trainer says they should eat, I might just loose it.

Some people don't have a place that they can do all this, well screw that. Go running, that uses like every muscle you have. Not hard enough? Strap some weighted crap on you, it's a lot harder to run with an extra 10 pounds on each leg. I'm not an expert at all, I only have first hand experience that it's the simple things that yield the most pleasing results, and I'm sick of the bull shit that the physical health industry is pulling on the world.

That's my pissed off rant.

I guess I'll talk about my birthday now. It was weird without my mom here. I ended up having a pretty good time, though I'm kind of super hurt that it's all the people I didn't expect to hear from on my birthday that got a hold of me, and the people I expected to hear from at like midnight on the dot didn't talk to me all day. But like I said, the day turned out alright in the end, there was only one person I didn't see that I was super upset about, and that's just because she's been a bitch lately, and thought it might at least be different on my birthday. Josiah even got me a gift, so now I have to hate him a little bit less I suppose. I don't know if Julie helped him, but it actually wasn't a bad gift at all. It was a "What's Your Price?" book from "Would You Rather...".

Now I'll bitch about some personal shit.

It was my fucking birthday, and you blew me off. It wasn't that you said you were free, and then all of the sudden you weren't. Yeah, that hurt, but it happened with a number of people. I swear I'm going to listen to my gut this time, because it's been going nuts for some time now. I have a feeling that I know exactly what you were doing, and made it very clear you didn't want me to know about, and I hope you had a fun date. I'm going to say right now that I'm never going to text you again, and I know that within 36 hours, I'm going to text you, just like every other time I couldn't take it anymore and said I wasn't going to talk to you anymore. You're terrible for me, and at the same time I still wish it would have worked, and I'm just sorry that whatever changed on your end changed the way it did.

I guess if that wasn't fucking obvious, then you probably have no business reading this.

You're great, you're fantastic, you're "D.) All of the above". And it's a shame, because it would have been fun.

I probably can't ever sincerely think of you as a friend. The things you've done just rub me the wrong way, everything you've done. Yet somehow what you're doing is getting you farther than what I did got me. I don't know what you've done in the last year, but understand that this game is not for your type of mindset.

I'm done with my stupid pity party, the world needs John Steele to be running at 110% right now, John Steele especially needs that.

Lost in my Own Maze

I'm incredibly lost right now, and every time I think I'm gonna be alright, something else happens.

Since the day I came to Anderson, I told myself I was going to transfer out, and for probably 85% of the time that I've spent up here I've been unhappy beyond reason. Things should be figured out at Ball State soon, they lost my high school transcript, but suddenly found it when I called them.

It was at the Wind Ensemble Banquet tonight, it made me think. What I found happened is that I had fun with these people, maybe not the school, but the people. There's lots of things I'd like to wish for right now, but I'd really like to know where is the right place for me, regardless where.

My first thought was to think how I felt about band after my freshman year, and I wasn't sad that the year was over. My senior year, it hit me hard, knowing how much I would miss it all. I got the feeling from my senior year last night. I genuinely am having second thought about what I'm going to do, it's a lot harder than I thought it would be and I just don't really have someone who can tell me what to do.

Closing Chapter

It's been a week since I did anything on here, so I guess theres some things to be said.

Easter weekend, well I can't say that it was bad, but it was a weekend that left me in a weird spot, which has also become the norm.

Got home Thursday, filled out the whole prom form thing, made chocolate chip cookies, walked my dogs lots. Friday I woke up at 10, wanted muffins at like 10:30, they were finally done by 4. Went to the coffee house, it was good even with the little christian sing-along at the end. I will admit, that there is one worship song that I rather enjoy, but only when this one group at chapel would play it. Had an interesting time after coffee house too, it started storming while Lauren and I were at shamrock springs. That night was another example of me not being able to say things when I should, though sleepy John is pretty good at it. Saturday I don't remember doing anything other than getting my tux with the input of Taylor, which turned out to be a much longer ordeal that I thought it would be. Sunday I remember playing cards with Bret at Starbucks. No, that couldn't have been Sunday. That must have been Saturday and why I don't remember what I did Saturday afternoon. Sunday I woke up and dyed eggs, 4 of which were raw because I was in a mischievous mood. Helped with the Easter dinner, the dinner itself lasted less than 20 minutes before my dad was done and left to go finish the movie he was watching. Julie is just kind of stupid, though she offered again to buy me alcohol. Monday I was home alone with my mom all day pretty much, I just made lots of peanut butter type foods and bugged the crap out of here because of how bored I was. I put off coming back to Anderson until about 8 or so.

I'm almost done at Anderson, I'm calling this week the closing chapter, and next week will be something else. It's weird to think how much time I've spent up here, and how soon I'll be in Westfield full-time again.

I feel like I know what going to happen.

You're going to keep adding distance, and I'll ask in about 10 days what happened, you wont have anything to say, and then things will be awkward.

You're gonna come back and it'll be great.

You'll come back and we'll hang out for the first time since you sent me a lovely little message and it's secretly going to be uncomfortable.

You're going to get hurt, and it's going to suck, you're not going to know what to do, and I'll find myself in a really weird spot because of it.

You'll come back, and I'll have to give you another chance to not be an ass.

You're not really going anywhere, but hopefully everyone being back means you'll go back to the lovely person that you used to be.

And I should get dressed and ready because I have an exam at 11...

Cannonballs and Doorstops

This is almost a part 2 of the stuff I wrote this morning.

I've got a really nice "warm and cozy" feeling right now. It was poooouring earlier right before lunch. I might have gotten myself pretty stinkin' wet running in the rain. Running meaning taking my dear sweet time because I love rain. My flannel is just not starting to not be wet and damp, and my room is warm, which I usually hate, but I'm accepting it right now because I can't do anything about it.

Today is Tuesday, and easy day, Wednesday isn't too bad either. Thursday I don't even have a real class and will be back in Westfield around 2, probably wearing a tux. But this isn't a continuation of anything.

This is.

I guess I ended up where I needed to be after driving for like an hour. Some things just make me so stupid mad, like the fact that I can't say what I need to say because the time is never right. That didn't exactly relate to much though. Talked for maybe an hour, just stuff I guess. I remember being so out of it that it felt like 20 minutes between each thing that was said, and just blew my mind when it was quiet. (Wasn't on drugs, I swear)

There is and there isn't much more I can say about Saturday, only that it makes me confused and angry at the same time.

Sunday I was planning on being gone at 2 so I could work on a Music Theory project with my partner, gotta love Mozart's 36th Symphony........

Didn't make it to Anderson by 3, actually made it to Anderson by 6.

My being stressed lead to me wanting food I gave up for Lent, -despite that I'm not the most religious guy, I feel like it's about more than just giving something up because of a book, but that it's a personal test of willpower and commitment and such- but it was Sunday so I was "technically" allowed to. Called up Collin Winkle, because he as home for the weekend, and we went to Dairy Queen. Were there for like an hour, it was basically me talking a lot because I've just had a lot going on lately and he's one of the very few people I feel like I can talk to about some stuff and be comfortable. Talked about how stupid some things are, good guys don't win, thought back to high school for a little bit and the fun times. I had a medium blizzard, more sugar than I had ingested at once in about a month, as well as Dr. Pepper, so more sugar and caffeination(my mac doesn't recognize that as a word so I just told it to learn it). As you can imagine, I was a hyper mess. A hyper mess with a swarm of pissed off butterflies in his stomach because I was in fact going to be able to talk with Lauren in person instead of the texting crap that had been going on.

We also went to Michael's for a little bit, it was hardly productive and Collin had to take the lead because I was in a full out ADHD swing thanks to the sugar, despite that I probably don't actually have ADHD.

Went home and got all my stuff together for Anderson, and just had the one stop before I left. I was really pretty surprised how well it went. It's really hard to describe it, because I can't tell if it went well because I was hoping it to, or if it was all really fake and I didn't notice. It was sincere enough I think, and prom is still happening. I hadn't planned on being there more than 5 minutes, but there was a good 10 minutes of just talking and a hug that I was not expecting.

I just deleted an entire paragraph that went here because I talking about it made things too blunt, despite how much I like it when things are blunt.

But enough with all that junk that nobody cares about. I'm digging a deep-tissue massage on my shoulders and my calves this weekend if I can find the time and if I somehow have some spare money around because I am just way too tense for my own good.

Doorstops in all the Wrong Doors

I thought I was going to blog Saturday night, which had me in quite a mess, but I just never got to it. I don't have quite as many things to say right now, but I'll give it a shot.

To start things off, there's been thunder and lightning all morning, probably the reason that I over slept. I'm very ok with that.

Now to Saturday. Went to a show at the new Warehouse place, but only stayed for the first half. Went to pick up Kaylee, decided it wasn't worth driving back for 10 minutes. Hung out with her and two of the Blocks. Began texting people.

This texting people then turned into texting one specific person, which turned out poorly.

I like you, you like me, we're going to prom(which is a much larger deal than I think she realizes granted I'm in college), but for some reason, actually dating would just be the worst thing ever, So of course that threw me for an ugly loop.

Left Kaylee's house and thought I was going home, but didn't want to, and ended up at Shamrock Springs. The options that I thought of all were logical enough, aside from the one where I wanted to find the darkest place possible and take a walk. -Lately I've found something comforting in being completely terrified, the dark places at night, watching scary movies just before I go to bed to try to have a nightmare, I don't know why.-

Did a lot of thinking in the hour or so I just drove around, it lead me exactly where I went, in a way. That doesn't make sense unless you're me, but I'm not worried. I just don't really know what I'll do with myself, but I guess summer will get it all figured out. I'd keep talking, but I have a practice exam to cheat on, so I've got to go.