So I'm not sure what's gotten into me that last few days, but I'm really ready for a break, and a long one. I need to go home and see everyone that I haven't seen in months. But more so I'm ready for college to be over, possibly forever. I love being in college, and I love the college atmosphere, but every day that I'm just piddling around as an undeclared major is a day that I've wasted, and there are few things that I hate more than a wasted day.
I think Peter is gone for the weekend, which is quite alright with me, because I haven't had a night to myself in a long time. I would have last weekend, but I ended up in a someone else's room all night, but that's a different story.
I'm gonna work out for 2 hours tomorrow morning, try to knock out my 2,000 for the day before I eat anything, I usually don't do so great at my morning workouts, so this should be fun.
I sat down and had a ton of negativity bundled up inside of me, lots of angst and self-hate and whatnot, and now there just aren't words for it, so I'll just ramble on about things in my life.
My Ball State friends are, well they are. I don't see a lot of them as much as I wish I did or as I used to. Sure I'm making new friends, but I'm not the type of guy who wants to have like 40 just general friends, I want 6 really tight friends, but that just doesn't seem to be happening. I wish I'd hear from other Westfield people more often, I only talk to two or three people from home anymore.
Last weekend, a lot of things happened, I mean a lot. I'm actually somewhat embarrassed by my actions, though I certainly wasn't as bad as someone else. It was just really unlike me to act like I did, or like I have been the last few weekends, and I'm bothered that I was able to just switch personalities in the blink of an eye that I did. Something that really got under my skin was getting called incredibly vain, it's the type of comment that makes you hate yourself a few days later. Yeah, so what if I care about how I look? I do my best to look nice because I feel that it's a representation of how much I value myself, and I think I'm a pretty valuable guy. But it's more than that to me, it also covers up the nagging insecurities that I have about myself, and if I'm wearing an outfit that can distract people enough, then they don't notice them. But I'm getting there, slow as a retarded slug, to the person I want to be. I mean, if I was me, just the way I am, for the rest of my life, I think I'd do alright, but I've got a long way to go until I'm happy.
A friend brought up an interesting point at dinner, about forgetting things if you could. I don't think there's anything that I'd ever want to forget. I love the good stuff, and every bad thing has been a lesson learned, in one way or another. The mistakes, the lies, the tricks, the mischievous things that got me in trouble, the things I failed at. Each one of them is a reason that I'm the person I am, and I just can't imagine forgetting all the bad things. Looking back, I just don't understand how someone could want to forget anything in their life. Try thinking of the worst moment of your life, now think of the lesson that moment introduced you to, and how that lesson keeps you from doing something even dumber later in life.
Something else that been bothering me a lot lately is girls who bitch about not having guys interested in them, or that only a certain type of guy is interested in them, such as older creepy guys, or guys who are balding. I'll always listen to them vent, but it seriously sucks when at one point you were into the girl that's complaining that nobody ever is into them, and it's just kind of like, what the fuck, did you not have a brain for 2 1/2 years? Because if I wasn't obvious then, I figured something like prom might have been a good indicator or something, but hell I'm a guy, what do I know. But I'll stop this topic, because of the five people that know this exists, and the two that read it, one of them is bound to mentioned in something I talk about sooner or later.
It's about 12:30 am, and I think I'm going to call it a night soon. I don't have much else to say other than the generic I hate myself of a daily basis and act super happy and well adjusted to cover it up. I love me at the same time, but there's a version of me I know I'd love better out there. Time to get some much needed sleep.
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