Lost in my Own Maze

I'm incredibly lost right now, and every time I think I'm gonna be alright, something else happens.

Since the day I came to Anderson, I told myself I was going to transfer out, and for probably 85% of the time that I've spent up here I've been unhappy beyond reason. Things should be figured out at Ball State soon, they lost my high school transcript, but suddenly found it when I called them.

It was at the Wind Ensemble Banquet tonight, it made me think. What I found happened is that I had fun with these people, maybe not the school, but the people. There's lots of things I'd like to wish for right now, but I'd really like to know where is the right place for me, regardless where.

My first thought was to think how I felt about band after my freshman year, and I wasn't sad that the year was over. My senior year, it hit me hard, knowing how much I would miss it all. I got the feeling from my senior year last night. I genuinely am having second thought about what I'm going to do, it's a lot harder than I thought it would be and I just don't really have someone who can tell me what to do.

Closing Chapter

It's been a week since I did anything on here, so I guess theres some things to be said.

Easter weekend, well I can't say that it was bad, but it was a weekend that left me in a weird spot, which has also become the norm.

Got home Thursday, filled out the whole prom form thing, made chocolate chip cookies, walked my dogs lots. Friday I woke up at 10, wanted muffins at like 10:30, they were finally done by 4. Went to the coffee house, it was good even with the little christian sing-along at the end. I will admit, that there is one worship song that I rather enjoy, but only when this one group at chapel would play it. Had an interesting time after coffee house too, it started storming while Lauren and I were at shamrock springs. That night was another example of me not being able to say things when I should, though sleepy John is pretty good at it. Saturday I don't remember doing anything other than getting my tux with the input of Taylor, which turned out to be a much longer ordeal that I thought it would be. Sunday I remember playing cards with Bret at Starbucks. No, that couldn't have been Sunday. That must have been Saturday and why I don't remember what I did Saturday afternoon. Sunday I woke up and dyed eggs, 4 of which were raw because I was in a mischievous mood. Helped with the Easter dinner, the dinner itself lasted less than 20 minutes before my dad was done and left to go finish the movie he was watching. Julie is just kind of stupid, though she offered again to buy me alcohol. Monday I was home alone with my mom all day pretty much, I just made lots of peanut butter type foods and bugged the crap out of here because of how bored I was. I put off coming back to Anderson until about 8 or so.

I'm almost done at Anderson, I'm calling this week the closing chapter, and next week will be something else. It's weird to think how much time I've spent up here, and how soon I'll be in Westfield full-time again.

I feel like I know what going to happen.

You're going to keep adding distance, and I'll ask in about 10 days what happened, you wont have anything to say, and then things will be awkward.

You're gonna come back and it'll be great.

You'll come back and we'll hang out for the first time since you sent me a lovely little message and it's secretly going to be uncomfortable.

You're going to get hurt, and it's going to suck, you're not going to know what to do, and I'll find myself in a really weird spot because of it.

You'll come back, and I'll have to give you another chance to not be an ass.

You're not really going anywhere, but hopefully everyone being back means you'll go back to the lovely person that you used to be.

And I should get dressed and ready because I have an exam at 11...

Cannonballs and Doorstops

This is almost a part 2 of the stuff I wrote this morning.

I've got a really nice "warm and cozy" feeling right now. It was poooouring earlier right before lunch. I might have gotten myself pretty stinkin' wet running in the rain. Running meaning taking my dear sweet time because I love rain. My flannel is just not starting to not be wet and damp, and my room is warm, which I usually hate, but I'm accepting it right now because I can't do anything about it.

Today is Tuesday, and easy day, Wednesday isn't too bad either. Thursday I don't even have a real class and will be back in Westfield around 2, probably wearing a tux. But this isn't a continuation of anything.

This is.

I guess I ended up where I needed to be after driving for like an hour. Some things just make me so stupid mad, like the fact that I can't say what I need to say because the time is never right. That didn't exactly relate to much though. Talked for maybe an hour, just stuff I guess. I remember being so out of it that it felt like 20 minutes between each thing that was said, and just blew my mind when it was quiet. (Wasn't on drugs, I swear)

There is and there isn't much more I can say about Saturday, only that it makes me confused and angry at the same time.

Sunday I was planning on being gone at 2 so I could work on a Music Theory project with my partner, gotta love Mozart's 36th Symphony........

Didn't make it to Anderson by 3, actually made it to Anderson by 6.

My being stressed lead to me wanting food I gave up for Lent, -despite that I'm not the most religious guy, I feel like it's about more than just giving something up because of a book, but that it's a personal test of willpower and commitment and such- but it was Sunday so I was "technically" allowed to. Called up Collin Winkle, because he as home for the weekend, and we went to Dairy Queen. Were there for like an hour, it was basically me talking a lot because I've just had a lot going on lately and he's one of the very few people I feel like I can talk to about some stuff and be comfortable. Talked about how stupid some things are, good guys don't win, thought back to high school for a little bit and the fun times. I had a medium blizzard, more sugar than I had ingested at once in about a month, as well as Dr. Pepper, so more sugar and caffeination(my mac doesn't recognize that as a word so I just told it to learn it). As you can imagine, I was a hyper mess. A hyper mess with a swarm of pissed off butterflies in his stomach because I was in fact going to be able to talk with Lauren in person instead of the texting crap that had been going on.

We also went to Michael's for a little bit, it was hardly productive and Collin had to take the lead because I was in a full out ADHD swing thanks to the sugar, despite that I probably don't actually have ADHD.

Went home and got all my stuff together for Anderson, and just had the one stop before I left. I was really pretty surprised how well it went. It's really hard to describe it, because I can't tell if it went well because I was hoping it to, or if it was all really fake and I didn't notice. It was sincere enough I think, and prom is still happening. I hadn't planned on being there more than 5 minutes, but there was a good 10 minutes of just talking and a hug that I was not expecting.

I just deleted an entire paragraph that went here because I talking about it made things too blunt, despite how much I like it when things are blunt.

But enough with all that junk that nobody cares about. I'm digging a deep-tissue massage on my shoulders and my calves this weekend if I can find the time and if I somehow have some spare money around because I am just way too tense for my own good.

Doorstops in all the Wrong Doors

I thought I was going to blog Saturday night, which had me in quite a mess, but I just never got to it. I don't have quite as many things to say right now, but I'll give it a shot.

To start things off, there's been thunder and lightning all morning, probably the reason that I over slept. I'm very ok with that.

Now to Saturday. Went to a show at the new Warehouse place, but only stayed for the first half. Went to pick up Kaylee, decided it wasn't worth driving back for 10 minutes. Hung out with her and two of the Blocks. Began texting people.

This texting people then turned into texting one specific person, which turned out poorly.

I like you, you like me, we're going to prom(which is a much larger deal than I think she realizes granted I'm in college), but for some reason, actually dating would just be the worst thing ever, So of course that threw me for an ugly loop.

Left Kaylee's house and thought I was going home, but didn't want to, and ended up at Shamrock Springs. The options that I thought of all were logical enough, aside from the one where I wanted to find the darkest place possible and take a walk. -Lately I've found something comforting in being completely terrified, the dark places at night, watching scary movies just before I go to bed to try to have a nightmare, I don't know why.-

Did a lot of thinking in the hour or so I just drove around, it lead me exactly where I went, in a way. That doesn't make sense unless you're me, but I'm not worried. I just don't really know what I'll do with myself, but I guess summer will get it all figured out. I'd keep talking, but I have a practice exam to cheat on, so I've got to go.

Just a Draft

I've been updating this thing a lot more than I like to lately, but whatever.

Everyone has those days where they just feel "off", but a week of this worries me. But tonight I'm letting go of a sigh of relief. She said she just hasn't felt like herself, and we talked about it for a little bit. I told her she's not been herself at all, and it's obvious, and some other junk. The conversation seemed to end on a good note, and I'm glad.

I've gotta give a shout-out to a select individual who has gone beyond the expectations of a normal friend, though I'm doing my best to avoid names I'm sure this person knows who they are. I can't thank them enough just for being who they are and so much more.

I was digging through my phone trying to figure out where all of my memory was tied up and found myself in my drafts folder. Now I mentioned this on twitter, but didn't want to say too much.

Reading them, there were lots of strange typos and mistakes, which is unlike me. Looking at the date it was written, I realized I very well could have been somewhat intoxicated that night. But pretty much, these messages were right on with how I still feel, though some things have changed, and I would only send one of them now. Some of them were confessions, something drunken John is amazing at, and everyone who had a message was told many many times just how much they mean to me.

I kind of wish those messages had gotten sent, but I guess I still didn't feel confident enough to say those things, only to type them. It doesn't matter, I left with those "what-ifs", and I'll most likely always have them, though in total honesty, I think I've knocked down 3 of my biggest "what-ifs," though there's one itching at me more and more. That's just life, and it has an interesting way of showing you where you're really supposed to be when you least expect it and I'm getting better at just going with it.

Snake Eyes

I actually just used that to describe the day of myself and a friend, snake eyes.

I was going for some kind of game metaphor, and snake eyes just really fit. It's always possible on a dice roll, always, it's just that the odds are always against it.

I'll flat out say that this was a bad day. I was really looking forward to this weekend too, which is why it was that much more of a let down.

This is one of those posts that's not going to name any names, because somehow of the three people that take the time to read this, one of them will be oddly tied into the whole thing.

I stayed in Anderson last weekend, and it was just miserable. I came home this weekend and was super excited. It started out great, playing cards with Bret(ok I lied, I used a name), went 3-1, even beating two valakut decks, which are tier 1 decks right now. For the past few weeks, I've always made a stop on the way back into Westfield. Yesterday however, they didn't want to see me, and I was home at like 10:45 instead of 1:00.

Today was snake eyes, and I've been used to rolling much higher numbers and getting around the board. And it was pretty bad stuff, because I even had good stuff happen today. My parents might actually cover the first chunk of my student loans if my Nana's trust fund goes through. This part is bad, my parents are going to be gone on my birthday, and it's the fault of my aunts and uncles on my dads side, I doubt any of them even know what they did, it's another post by itself. But they got me my birthday present like 2 months early. They finally got me a new bike, a nice road bike. Got brunch with a close friend too. Woke up to a brilliant storm, which them turned into a gorgeous day. So this day had no reason to be bad.

I was supposed to hang out with someone, and it all just turned to shit while I was with them. It's making me question a lot right now, and I feel like this is partly because I broke my rules. Karma is a bitch, she's also my sister. I just wasn't expecting this weekend to be like this, and I can't put in any kind of details without naming names, and ruining the whole point of not making it obvious who I'm talking about. Maybe this is life's little way of leading me exactly where I'm supposed to be right now. I've not been entirely honest with myself as well as the people I've been confiding in lately, and that bothers me as well.

This all started because of me doing something I wouldn't normally do, and right now I want to do another one of those things.

It's like I'm in the adjustment bureau, and I've gotten off of the plan and now the universe is trying to put things back on route. Or maybe I'm crazy. All I know is that I need to be outside tonight, and now.

Sentences in Random

I really don't have much to say tonight, it's gonna end up being lots of little random things I suppose. I guess a lot of this is just stuff that I've never said in person to anyone.

I like it when people talk about me, it makes me feel important in at least one way.

Today, my soul patch was really bothering me, like just touching it hurt. I didn't think that was a feature of facial hair.

I'm super obsessive about my facial hair, and I know that right now the jaw line isn't symmetrical.

I know that I come off as a good friend, but I feel like there's a ton more I should be able to do for the people that are important to me.

I've been thinking about it for a couple months now, and my mom even asked me about it. I think I want a tattoo, I just don't know what or where.

If afraid that if I leave the arts and go for a more conventional area of study, my individuality and need to stand out will work against me.

I figured that giving up everything sweet and fried for lent would be good, and I'm sure it is, but I still don't feel any better. It just goes to show that even the "healthy" food isn't healthy here.

Of all the things driving me away from Anderson, it's the people.

Of all the things making me want to stay in Anderson, it's the people.

I don't feel like I ever properly grieved over my Nana last summer thanks to some asshole who decided he was more important and wouldn't fucking leave me alone, or at least be the friend that I needed. It still bothers me at least once a week.

I REEEEALLY want a tattoo.

I crush on people super easily, and I've crushed on at least 60% of my female friends at one point or another, usually 1-2 weeks. Three of those crushes never went away.

I would really be ok being a stay at home dad. I think I would love it actually.

I've questioned if I'm bi-polar since I was a sophomore, but I just can't fit into some of the symptoms, and often times my mood swings are by the hour, if not shorter.

I've questioned weither I have depression since a friend confronted me about it in high school. I think I'll say I've got seasonal depressive disorder, but that's it. The irony? He's the one who went and got diagnosed with depression. Not quite funny though.

Right now, the food that sounds best are deep fried mini corn dogs. You have no freaking idea how good that sounds right now.

I'm ok that I've never gone to a massive college party, I think those people are incredibly trashy.

I need a big house and an awesome back yard, I don't care what it costs me.

I think a career in crime and illegal activity would be very do-able for me, and seems practical.

I keep looking at the doodle on my left arm, and remembering how much I want a tattoo.

The moment that I'm not in the arts, a tattoo would go from being part of me as an individual to a red flag to an employer that I'm trouble and not suited for an adult job.

I've also thought about getting some kind of piercing, it would have to be in my ear, and would probably be a bar or something. But is the same problem as the tattoo.

I wonder all the time how I would look if I grew out my hair and kept it in a ponytail. More than 6 people would tell me that they think it would look good.

I've got a million and more things to say, but as with the recent trend, I can't focus enough to finish one thing.

Since junior year, I've wondered if I have ADD, but then it kind of worked for me. But now it doesn't.

Oh, something I tweeted about and said I'd mention on here via twitter.

I was flat out hit on tonight, and I'm amazed at how uncomfortable it actually made me. I'm sure it's no secret, that kind of thing doesn't happen to me, ever. She's a great girl and everything, but I wouldn't ever even consider it. She wanted to make sure that I would come back and visit too next year. Like, if we had been tight I could understand, but I didn't think we were that tight. There are guys in Dunn that I know I'm enjoy seeing when I come back, without a doubt. I'm gonna try to get some of them to come up and hang out up at Ball State some time too. I'm off topic already, oh my gosh. I guess it's time for either bed or sometime semi-productive.

*Additional thought. I actually went back into edit to put this in.

I wish more people would tell me what they think would look cool or good on me. Such as the tattoo, the ponytail, or the piercing.

Knocking on Closed Doors

Anyone who actually reads this most likely already knows I'll be going to Westfeild's prom at the end of the month. I was looking forward to it at first, but now I just don't know. I had thought about this once or twice, but the real reason it crossed my mind tonight because there's a show on NBC I've started watching, I don't know the title of it, but tonight the episode it about prom and this family sending their oldest daughter. I'm spacing in and out of it.

One of the parents was talking about how it's a great way to say goodbye to high school, as in her case only seniors go to prom, and it got me thinking. As much as I miss high school, and as much as I hate college, I just have a gut feeling that I'll feel out of place just ever so much. When I've gone back to the high school, it's always been fun and stuff, but a part of me is always looking for the people that I'm expecting to see there, and they never show up. Prom is just going to be an extreme case of that, as well as reminders of memories a plenty.

Junior prom, going with someone who I scarcely knew and having a really pretty decent time aside from her vanishing between prom and after-prom. Senior prom, and the lovely drama that happened within my group and I ended up being the person most looking forward to it to being the person who had the worst time. And just generally everything that went along with the rest of my high school memories. I've come to terms that I'm in college, and as amazing of a time as I might of had, high school is over.

I still have every intention of going, and I'm super happy with Lauren, I just don't know how I'm going to feel once I'm there. Part of the excitement of prom was the build-up before it. Getting all the plans together, getting money where it needs to be, buying the tickets,

--Interjection!! I tuned into the end of this episode just now. I was listening enough to know that one of the first was going to do it with her date that night. When she got back to her house she took off her corsage and put it on the dresser. I noticed it had an awkwardly long shot of the dresser and then the petals moved, a lot more than they should have. I felt super smart for knowing exactly what they did. It's moments like this that make me realize I understand TV so much that I feel like I should really be working in television entertainment.--

buying the tickets, going to get your tux, bickering over where to have dinner, the friday before and hoping you don't have any homework, picking up your date with enough time to chat with her parents and get pictures there, then go to where ever people are meeting, and so on and so forth you know the drill.

Here's my problem, all of that is missing. I've got to give Lauren my money for the ticket, probably getting my tux on my own, I can't convince them to go for a limo or dinner, nobody is gonna be talking about it at Anderson, and I'm probably gonna be stressing out over work that weekend, because I'll be out all night Saturday, then getting back on Sunday to continue studying for exams, which start Monday.

But what I can't wait for is the chance of being able to steal the shoes from the rental place. Junior year I thought about it, Senior year I figured it out, and now I get the chance. If you go in at the peak hours of being busy, right when everyone is turning in the tuxes, they don't check the pocket in the back for the shoes. And worst case scenario is I put the shoes in my car, and if they do check then I'll just act like I forgot them and run to my car and turn them in.

I'm looking forward to it, I can't deny that, but I guess I wont know how I feel about it until I get there. I'll know plenty of people there, it's just gonna be different. No Tim, no Collin Winkle, no Bret. It's just gonna be different it all.

On the note of college, I should finally have everything straightened out at the end of the week, and I'll know if Ball State is in my future or not. I just don't know whats gonna happen if it's been too long and Ball State wont take me. I can't come back here, and it'll be way too late to try to throw out any last minute applications. If I start working full time, I'll get booted off my parents insurance for stuff because I wont be a student, and I'll have to start paying off my loans right away. It's kind of a lot of stress, but I'll manage.

I could just do with a solid talk about life with someone who has a genuine interest in my life. I've only got a few people that I can talk to like that, and I kind of miss them a ton right now.

Timing is Key

For a long time now, I've felt that life is little more than being in the wrong place at the right time. Not that that's a bad thing, you could look at it as being in the right place at the wrong time too. There's good timing, and there's bad timing. And alongside that right timing and wrong timing. And amongst all this timing, now and again there's some rhyming.

That was pretty lame, but I couldn't help myself.

I might have said this a long time ago, but I feel like my life is all about timing for me. It's never mattered how well I did on one thing or another, everything that was important to me happened because I was either in the right place at the wrong time, or the wrong place at the right time, -it all just depends how you look at time.

My timing has aways been off in the most interesting ways, but lately life has proved that timing isn't everything, and some things don't have a time limit. I feel like I've found a thing or two that fall under this category, one of them I know for sure.

Now at this point, I've completely forgotten where I was going with this, and I drank like 60 ounces of water about 90 minutes ago, so I'm actually cutting this one off. I'll try for a real post in another day or two.