The Wild Cards

So just after publishing my last blog, I got a message from someone, one of the two, and hung out with them for a good chunk of the afternoon. That actually only confuses things further, but I would do it again all the same. Im still totally unsure of what's going on in life as a whole. I feel like a little kid again, totally overwhelmed by life. But I kind of enjoy it. Just sometimes thinking about it takes my breath away and gives me a totally new feeling, and I love it, but at the same time don't know anything at all.

Main Battery Low

So I remembered why I started this blog. because I wanted to remember important things from my senior year, so guess where Im heading with this.

3rd week of school. I messed up my back really good somehow, 6 some mis-aligned vertebrae, yeah. Vocal Jazz is super fun. Geo is alright, on friday I took a test that I didn't review for one bit after staying home the day before, so Im expecting a very low grade. Econ is good fun, Im married now thanks to that class. AP Lit I like, but I still feel like Im not in my domain, I think that Im by far one of the dumbest people in that class. I suck at grammar, everyone in there uses words that I have no idea what they mean, I leave that class each day with a list, longer than the day prior, of words Im going to look up that night. Whenever I think I found something brilliant in the text, it turns out that everyone else noticed it too, about 15 minutes before I did. Then band. Oh band, I've never had a more dramatic year than this one so far. I kind of hate it. I'm kind of out of control some days, and I know that, but I just want the trumpets to be what they're capable of, and some of them don't like how hard I push them. It's really obvious when there's two people that will always ask my right hand man what to do instead of me that they're sick of me. That's school.

I've used juggling and a spinning table, and I don't feel like any more analogies today.

So. Im down to two wild cards, I think. I really don't know what to do with them, or even why I feel that it's such a big deal. I just really don't know what to do, about anything really. Like, sometimes I get a feeling from both, and sometimes I get a totally opposite feeling from both.

But with things coming up, I feel like I might have to pick soon. Each one having it's individual plusses and minuses . Another problem is that I would like to actually tell someone about this situation, but I've had issues with my confides in the past, and have few remaining. Both of the persons involved I would normally be able to confide in, but it would be awkward somewhat, because both are involved. And the other confides aren't totally taking the hint that they're like one question away, and I don't know how much longer I'll wait. And I have one default confide, that I can tell anytime, but with a cost, a cost that within a week 4 other people will know, then they each tell 3-5, and then I have random people asking me questions if it's true or not.

Things were easier being younger, when this stuff didn't matter, and I'm not even old yet.

Running to the Future

So I've lost track of how long it's been since I last posted, but Im in need of a new one. I remember last post was about food and too much on my plate. I've now changed that to an analogy about juggling with too many balls, and I don't know which ones to let go of, and then referred to my brain as a corn maze.

I'm not insane, just unsure of a lot.

Im thinking of the ones that I might have to drop, which I really don't want to do, but need to in order to move forward. One I've been tossing around for coming on two years, granted I've dropped it in the past, I've always picked it back up. But because I periodically drop it, I worry that I will continue to drop it every so often, and that's not what I want to do if I end up hanging on to this one. Another one was more of tossed into my routine, and Im surprised at how much I want to keep it going. But I can't keep them both forever, and even if I could I don't think that I would want to.

Life, why do you have to be so confusing? And even more-so, why do I keep finding different analogies to describe my current self.

How the Turn-Table- ...

Things change, some for better, some for worse, and some in an oddly twisted or ironic way both.

Currently the table fate has seated me at has not stopped spinning long enough for me to get a bite, and each time the table stops I have more on my plate.

My seat right now has one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine main courses. Things that should be a big part of my life. Between three of them though, only one will remain should things progress further. The problem is, I don't have the slightest of which is going to be the one, and each one has a tricky situation, each as odd as the last. That should speak for itself enough.

Next to those are five side items, all of which I love, but I can't eat them all. I really want all of these, but I can only eat one at a time, and in the end there's going to be one that has more left than the others, and that one got the short end of the stick. I only know two of the sides that Im going to for sure eat even if it kills me.

And for dessert there are 3 things. I don't need them, but they're nice to have. I just don't ever have the time that I need to eat them and enjoy them.

And of course, Im drinking water, which I've spilled on myself many times thus far.

Dual-Strawed Slushies.

Life is best enjoyed with those who are dear to you, I feel like I might have those people back now.

I should get to bed, well, I should do a lot of things, but bed seems pretty high up right now.

I don't really know how to say what I feel, and I run into that a lot, and then sometimes I say it and I know exactly how I want to say what I feel. Im happy, or one step closer to it at the very least. There's tons and tons of things flooding my head of how things got this bad and I just want them to stop, because for now, things seem to be turning to the brighter side again.

But now with this clearing up, more questions are brought up. I truly hope that I was not fed lies tonight, and all but one little bit thinks it was truthful. But now I have more questions, and for different people. But I'll settle it later, and directly because stress makes me hella tired.

I hope I'll be enjoying life again with the people that mean the most to me very shortly.

These are the Days that it Never Rains but it Pours

Where do I even begin is the best question.

The school week. Moderately well. Some things could have gone much better, however somethings Im very happy about.

Band life. We had our first evening practice which went alright. I had hoped that something different would have been on the agenda for that practice, but I was wrong. But it's not the practice that gets me to think, it's what happened right near the end that cast the spark into the pool of gasoline that is my brain, which actually made a very good transition sentence.

So Im still at the peak of drama and I still hate it. I was truly hoping that it would have all been settled by now. I talked with the other person who seems the be the mirror of myself right now. That becomes a but hard to explain but I'll say it as I see it. There's two sides of this. I seem to be the biggest part of the problem on my side, and I feel that he is the the equivalent to his side. Well I talked to him some, and it's obvious that there are things that are purely between us to settle. I proposed a meeting of everyone to clear everything. Well Im finding it nearly impossible to get everyone together, be it the way they want it or simply how nobody has a mutually free time.

Until this meeting, I said that I had no intention of talking about it at all, and that I would act as if nothing was wrong. I take it that for the most part they choose to do the same, though nothing has changed. I still feel like the masks are firmly in place, that things are still being hidden and that nothing is right yet. Im just super frustrated is all with the whole situation and want it resolved. But to do that everyone is going to need to be there because I miss my friends, and by that I mean my real friends, not the painted on faces that I feel have surrounded me for some time now.

I wish I was smarter than this.

Black and White Romance Movie Take 4

Thinking.

Present-Tense Verb.

Definition:

Something I do way to much of.

I went to the warehouse the other night to see Bret open, and he was really pretty good. Some of the others that preformed lost my attention quite quickly though. The only one I remember by name was Mid-American. And after they were on a good number of us went and sat out in the grass talking, I was talking as well as watching the lighting roll in.

Something happened though, I will try to avoid using detail, to a very close friend of mine, in which the person they came with said something that took her for a loop, and then that person ran off. Some minutes later texting begins, and essentially becomes the whole dramatic Im never going home, just forget about me. While talking to her she got a text, though I know not what it read, it prompted her to get up and being walking, then turn into a run. Myself and another followed from a distance watching her. This eventually lead to the three of us sitting on a corner in silence aside from a quite sob time to time.

Sitting in that silence, well I don't even know how to put it into words really. I felt terrible for what was happening for my friend, but at the same time wonderful that I was able to be there to let them know they could count on me, maybe that was it, maybe not, I don't know. I just know that Im glad to be able to be there for my friends, but I learned something too-funny, I've been doing that a lot lately.

I found out that as much as I want to, there's some stuff that I can't protect my friends from. As much as I would have given anything to trade with them to make them feel better, I couldn't. And as much as I like being able to show my support, I was almost totally useless at the same time. I can protect my friends from almost anything, keyword being almost, and sometimes I don't feel that's enough.

Life Lesson = Learned

The Crossroads of Life

Today, I had full intentions of isolating myself in my room. I was not able to make that happen. After texting chacha for nearly an hour, taking advantage of my now-unlimited texting, I soon realized what a toll on the battery that constant ping was taking, and silenced my phone.

I then went out of errands, visited a friend at work, stopped at home shortly to pick up a credit card to buy some clothes, and went shopping. After picking out what I needed, I headed to the checkout. While there, I found that I was not able to use her card, and needed to come back after being authorized. I thought, screw that, Im getting this sorted out now. So I headed to my car and pulled out my phone. I found missed calls and messages of all sorts that I had missed due to my phone being silent. Those messages leave me where I sit, as an emotional and mental train wreck, because this is the most screwed up I've felt in a long time.

I don't really know how to put things into the proper words, because Im still trying to sort it all out myself. The summary is this though, Im the bad guy that can't be trusted, and being around me makes you just as bad as me. A friend wanted to go biking with me and I said sure, shortly after though I started to get messages again. I read some of them and tried to reply at the same time as I was getting ready. I told myself this, those messages will still be on your phone when you're done, but your friend isn't going to wait forever. So I forcefully put my phone into my pocket, and out of mind, but remained fully aware of what had just begun. The first thing that came to mind was this. Those that were going to stick with me were going to know just what that would mean for them.

As we unloaded our bikes, I told him that we have to talk, he said that he knew. I told him right up front, that if he choose to stay friends with me, that it would get worse before it got better. He told me he would stick by me, and that just because others didn't think of him as a friend, it wouldn't matter to him, because as long as he still thought of them as friends then they would still be friends to him. That means so much to me. But that isn't what the focal point is on.

The best friend I've had in my entire life seems to hate me now.

That's what I was about to put, rather had put. This friend had just called me after typing that, and turned a new light on. This is what I want to type instead.

The best friend I've had in my entire life wants to fix things just as badly as I do.

I don't feel like I can end things on a better note than that, because even that little bit of talking really calmed me down, and right now I don't want to write anything else angry or frustrated, or any feeling that's connected to those at all.

The best friend I've had in my entire life wants to fix things just as badly as I do.

Bowling Shoes

I had no intentions of doing anything tonight, that was until I realized just what kind of friends I really have. I counted two, just two, friends that I feel that I can still trust without fail. That's down from like 15.

Was supposed to go to a play in Broadripple tonight, I had heard it was decent, not the best though, but I still had intentions to see it. I went to 6 plays over the summer, alone. I have decided that I would not go alone to another. I asked some of my friends, one gave no reply what-so-ever and why should that even surprise me. Another was flat out busy. One was 50/50 if he was going to have to be somewhere, and he was needed in the end. And the last seemed actually interested, until they suddenly had to take their little brother and sister to go see a showing of Harry Potter at 6, strange when the only showings are at 12:15, 3:45, and 8:00. Long story short, I did not go to the play.

I was also invited to go bowling, so I thought I would go there. After getting somewhat confusing directions I found my way there. Not anyones fault, the alley is somewhat hidden by like 4 large buildings. I was greeted by one running hug, 2 waves, and then an attempted hug. The rest of them, maybe a glance. As I sit, Im greeted with a type of silence that told me right away that I wasn't wanted there. I didn't bowl, I didn't want to spend the money, and I don't particularly like Woodland, it gives me a headache. It was a long hour or so.

On the way back I was thinking, its about a 15 minute drive home, so it was sufficient time. I don't think I've ever wanted to push away so many people in my life. Just the pure frustration I felt with the people in mind, some of the people closest to me in my life. I felt like I wanted them out of my life, somewhere I would never have to see them, speak to them, or think of them ever again.

Then a second thought came. It was along the lines of this. Holy Shit, why would I want that? These are the people I would do anything for. Then a third thought. These are the people who lie to you and keep secrets from you, and you specifically. Then a fourth thought. Go back to the first thought, that's the right idea. Then there were no more thoughts.

Collin. Bret. I totally doubt you will ever see this. But thanks to you, for actually having a pair and always being upfront with me, no matter what it was. Thanks to you for never trying to keep things from me. Thanks to you for being there for me when I was at the edge and needed someone to talk to.

To the rest? For now, fuck off, because right now I just want to be alone.

The Self-Attaching Mask

I'll go ahead and talk about today first.

Third day of school, I only have 3 real classes, and I have more homework than I had in a week last year. I like my classes for the most part. Im border-line ADHD in like all of them, because I don't feel like we actually learn anything, because almost everything we've done has been working on our own. I just need to get back into the swing of things, now is not the time to be standing flat-footed.

People in society wear masks for different reasons. All the way back to Shakespearian plays people wear masks. But there's different types. Im guilty of wearing masks socially, a lot. I had a facebook status the other day, "John Steele just slapped himself so hard with reality that the mask he was wearing cracked, lets see what happens." That was meant in so many different ways. Other people wear masks just like I do, some are plain to see, others aren't.

Im not sure who I was, just that I wasn't me. Im a totally imperfect person. I don't want to be perfect, just good enough to deserve what I have in life, which seems harder and harder to do every day. The most notable time that I remember wearing one was last fall, just after Black Friday, after a close friend called me out on it. That friend was a bit extreme, but I did appreciate the concern, and I did my best to change. But I now blame that same friend for the insane amount of stress that I now feel. This summer we hung out a good amount, often with other people. This person has been my closest friend for going on 4 1/2ish years, and we even worked together over the summer. Over the last month they have grown distant and some days flat out rude to me. I've asked around, and Im not the only one to notice this. I changed as a response to my friends sudden change. Im done with that. Im going to be who I am, and I don't give a shit what that person thinks. Im going to be loud when I want to be loud. Im going to think what I want to think about stuff. Im going to like who I want to like.

I run into this crossroad. I want to remain to my goal, to be one-of-a-kind and un-replaceable, but that requires winning this friend back. But as I see it now, that means that I can no longer be me, because that me isn't good enough for them. I truly think that I know what is secretly going on behind my back, but for now I just don't know.

My tip to society. Take of the damn masks, people can't see your eyes when they're on.

The Woes of a Kleenex

Despite the title, this blog will have very little to do with the problems that Kleenexes face on a day-to-day basis. Being the second day of school, I found myself remaining at home. I awake at 5:15, promptly forced myself to jump out of bed as I always do to wake myself up, only to promptly fall back onto my bed at the demand of every sore and aching muscle in my body. The next thing I remember my mom is yelling at me about 9:30. Then it was 11. So I stayed at home today watching episodes of Warehouse 13 that I have missed.

I thought about posting a blog with a topic of two of my favorite mannerisms. But seeing as I am unable to do one of them, I will save it for later. That leaves eye contact. I love it. But in todays society, making and keeping eye contact sends mixed signals. I see making eye contact as a sign of respect, that I feel the individual I am talking with or with in general is worth my time and an equal as an individual. I will also make frequent eye contact with those who have a superior knowledge of what ever is being talked about, as a sign of respect. So if I ever happen to make and hold eye contact, there is no double motive behind it, and sometimes people have really interesting eyes that tell more than hours of talking can. So think nothing of it, hell, learn to make eye contact more even. It makes you seem more confident as an individual. Those who are unsure of themselves will look downward while talking, or buy themselves with something nearby while talking. My only exception to this is while driving. I may look over briefly every once and a while, but otherwise I keep my eyes where I need them.

From the Holes in my Head

So. I've felt really shitty since like, late thursday of last week, but being a guy I looked the other way and kept going. I suppose that's a downfall of my gender, I would rather keep a front that I am totally fine and be miserable on the inside than show even momentary fault that Im not invincible. Well after a day of school, which really wasn't that bad, I made a doctors appointment. During this doctors appointment I learned that I have a sinus and an ear infection, oh boy. So after being totally drained from a day that began 4 hours earlier than the days preceding it, I returned home and slept. I slept for four hours, not in a bed mind you, but the first place I sat down.

This leaves me at home for the evening, missing the last game night of the summer with the college kids, who I will see maybe one more time this calendar year if I am lucky.

While sleeping, a lot goes through your head. Maybe that means I wasn't actually sleeping, maybe just toning everything down for a while, be it those thoughts were quite linear. But I may have realized something, and I may have realized that I realized nothing, Im not decided yet.

What I know is that we probably just missed a very good storm that missed us to the south. I know that Im the person I am because of all the dumb little things I have done, the things that overshadow some of the biggest events in my life, the things I'll laugh about 10 years from now. Im going to try to avoid being that guy who thinks he's really deep and centered, because to my knowledge I am not. Im the guy who's bipolar one hour, then seems drunk and ends the day in a blaze that he just took ecstasy. At least that's what I think can describe me. And it's funny how much the brain thinks ahead. I sat down meaning to write about how lousy I feel, and now Im trying to analyze the things around me. So I will end this blog post.

New Beginnings to an Old Story

So I told myself I would start a blog as a senior, starting on my first day of returning to the school. This is mainly due to the fact that I fail at journaling, which is less accessible than the internet. A side note to that. One of my new years resolutions was to being keeping a journal. This journal is indeed what you would expect a journal to be, only it is basically all back tracking because I remember to write in it maybe every 2 weeks. But I am officially a blogger person now, whatever that may entail. I am bound and determined to keep details from my senior year.