What Happened to 2010?

I've gotten worse at updating this thing, but I suppose that's just the way of life.

I still haven't decided what this post is going to be about either.

I'll go with some stuff that I wish I could tell people to their faces without repercussion.

I don't give a shit that you have your doctorate, nor do I care how long you've been teaching. You're always late to my lesson, then you spend 15 more minutes talking about stuff that isn't important. Maybe if I had a full lesson length I would have gotten more done last semester. My trumpet isn't a piece of shit "on a budget trumpet" as you call it, nor is it unsuited for a college environment. As much as you piss me off, you're possibly the only professor that even comes close to "getting" me. But telling me that I have to follow in the footsteps of others is not what I do, and I'm not going to waste my time learning what lots of other people did and didn't do. You say there's no such thing as a "self-made man". My answer to that is this. Somebody had to do it first. Somebody had to leave all these footprints at one time or another.

You look creepy. Like you look really fucking creepy. Nobody gives a shit about you and your frisbee, and you almost make it uncool. You can't pull off long hair, and saying that you want your hair to be longer than mine makes you sound pathetic. The bulk of the trumpet section hates you because you made us all get bad overall grades in our lessons because you just "learned" solos that you already knew, and the grades were based on whoever had the most points defined the "100%". I know at least 6 of us told you to stop, and you kept going.

I'm super glad that things have gone the way they have, despite how difficult it can be sometimes to make things work on both ends. You say one thing, but your body language says another. I think it shows what you're really thinking. I don't mind that much, but I'll resent you if you just drag me around. You've got some issues, which doesn't help things overall, and I'm holding a grudge against the person that caused these issues, because they'll never know how much of an ass they were. But at the end of the day, you're more important than pretty much everybody in my phone contacts.

What goes around, comes around. Do and say what you want now, but the wheels will always keep turning, and if you keep acting like you do, then your future is going to suck balls. If you'd go back to the person I remember meeting, I feel like I'd go back to having the friend I though you were.

I entirely regret getting involved with you. It all looked great at first, but it turned out to be more harmful that I ever would have guessed. It was back during the time that I never left my phone, and never left a message un-replied. I wish I had never replied to anything from you.

That's about it.

These are just random sentences. They are what they are, short and sweet. Not going to try to turn them into full-fledged ideas.

Morals are more set in stone than ever. College opened my eyes to how fucked up people really are sometimes. I've realized that even at my worst, I was never really that bad. Anderson has made some things really amazingly sharp, that or I've grown into what was already there. I'm quick to judge people now, and I've been spot on almost every time. I've gotten funnier, because it's impossible to get people to laugh there, but I'm still trying for some reason. Some days, I don't even know that college is for me, but that's what is expected of remotely smart people. I hope I'll be happier at Ball State, but I don't know that I'll be able to cope with becoming just another face in an even bigger crowd. I'm really glad that I have a private room in Anderson, because I've gotten really good at having a normal sleeping pattern and I feel like a roommate would mess that up. I want to be a big deal in the music world, but I really don't feel like that's what I'm meant to do, at least not on the trumpet. I like singing, but I lack enough confidence to be really good. It's easier to fake being confident on the trumpet, you just play louder. I don't have a clue in hell what I want to do with my life. I want money and fame, and it's in me somewhere. I thought about being a teacher before I really knew much about jobs, and then I wanted to be a chef, and then I learned more about working hours, and then all these adults started to nudge me into being a teacher, and now I don't know. Big turn off from being a teacher is the kids that I hate. It's not like being nice to them for maybe 10 minutes or something, it's being nice to them the whole time. And I know I'd be super biased against young republicans. I think I could be a theatre teacher, but it seems like students grow to hate them. I could never pull off a serious or dramatic role, be it tv or film. I'm made to make people laugh and enjoy themselves. Romantic comedy is like as serious as I think I could go. I wonder if it would be possible to be a professional high school student? I remember I was really good at that. I wish my parents had let me play more spots when I was little. They let me play basketball and baseball, but I'm talking contact sports. I would have been disgusting at football, in a sickly awesome way. I'm sick of being home, I don't know what I'm expected to do while I'm here. I had a feeling that today was going to suck, and then you of all people texted me, I'm in a good mood to last for a few days now.

I guess I spilled enough for now, though I never answered my own question at the top of the post.

When Life Looks Easy, It's Actually Getting More Complicated

I don't really know where to begin, given that my last tweet and the title of this post pretty much say everything that there is to be said, but not really.

Halloween was LAME. I was supposed to go to Ball State, and that didn't happen, so I stayed on campus where there was NOTHING to do.

My costume was AWESOME.

Since Halloween I've not anything really interesting.

On Tuesday of this week, I was talking to my roommate for next year, and we decided we're going to get ripped. So I woke up at 5:50 am on Wednesday to wake him up at 6 and go workout for 45 minutes before classes. We did the same thing on Thursday morning and today. Saturdays are pending, and Sundays are probably going to be a resting day. I hope we keep this up every day for the rest of the year.

Also, he's my roommate next year, but not at Anderson. We're both going to Ball State next year, so it's doubly awesome.

Why is life complicated?

Because people tweet things.

Because people text you.

Because people DONT text you.

Because people send you messages on facebook.

Because I thought I had everything figured out for once.

Because all the people that I wish I could see are far away and too busy.

Because there are times when college sucks, and I wish I could go back to high school for a day.

That's why life is complicated, and all I want to do is bang my head on my desk.

I'm going to take a nap instead.

One Lab Experiment Gone Wrong Away From...

...being a super villain.

So college is going pretty well, or as well as it can when you hate your major 3-5 days a week. I usually like mondays a lot, because I don't do much with music over the weekends.

I'm doing classes for next semester, because even though we did them already, now we get to go back through and verify them and junk. By the time I put in all my classes, I have 23 hours.

Of those 23 hours, I can have 5 for 0 credit, but that still puts me at 18. And I can either drop my keyboarding class, or I can drop my career and lifestyle exploration class, because those are my only 1-credit courses. I need/want both of them.

I haven't told this half of the world yet, but a lot of my friends know that I'm highly doubtful that I'll continue on as a music major. I'll still play trumpet and sing and stuff, don't get me wrong there, maybe even get a bachelors in it, or maybe minor. I'm allowed to be really undecided, it's still my freshman year. But I feel like tv entertainment is where I should look, and it's going to be some mix of a theatre and communications major, because television entertainment isn't a real major, yet. I'm also getting in some classes for my political science minor, but the only course I can take is American National Government, because I either needed the first half of a class this semester, or it's only offered in the fall, like the Intro to Politics class I wanted to take.

And if I stay at Anderson, I'll eventually have to take a bible class, which I'm trying to put off for as long as possible. Everybody here is really nice and stuff, but I feel like I'm aware that I'm still living in a sheltered area, if that makes sense. Some days I just want the real world to come slap me in the face, because I know I'm still being coddled here. It's like a more adult westfield, only as you leave the campus, it gets trashier and not nicer.

So leaving that topic, I'm going onto something I've been trying to decide on for a while now.

I'm in college, and I feel like I kind of have that look to me now. I know that I have a look to me, it's just that I'm not sure what kind of look I'm looking for. I stopped trimming my goatee-variation because I initially wanted to braid it and put beads in it. I have a ton of people that want me to go ahead and do it, but there's an equally sized crowd that thinks it's gross. I don't see why they would think it's gross. I probably have the cleanest facial hair of anyone on campus. I shampoo it, I condition it, I dry it and I comb it. And as facial hair goes, it's pretty dang soft. It also made me REALLY appreciate how long it takes to grow a good mustache. But I'm off topic already.

I've made a conscious effort for a while now that I never want to just blend into a crowd, I want to stand out no matter what.

I've always cleaned up really well when I put on a suit and tie, but it doesn't quite work so well now that I'm anything but clean cut. My hair is the longest it has ever been without parting down the middle. It all still sweeps to the left, so I'm not getting it cut. So I totally look like an indie type of music guy, and I love it. I wear brown work shoes almost every day and flannel, and I know I have my own look like that. But I can't pull off formal clothes like I used to. I need something that's not quite the normal, and bad. I need a dark green suit, and the jacket needs to be closer to a trench coat. But I don't know where to get such things. But I'm bored talking about this now.

People at college all seem to have really bad breath, and it really bothers me. It's been really bad these last two weeks, that or I've just now noticed it. I brush like three times a day, and eat lots of apples too, and I feel like my teeth are really clean and my breath never smells bad, so I don't get why other people can't do the same time. Also, I'm super aware of people who have bad teeth now too, and I was looking through some pictures on facebook and noticed some of my best friends from westfield have REALLY gross teeth. Like they either need braces, or they need bleach, or in one case he needs both.

I'm gonna eat some apples and play mandolin.

More than the Usual College Experience

I've been living up here for almost a month now, and I don't know where the time went.

The longer that I've been up here, the more I miss my family. Not the ones I share a name with, the family of friends that I had back in Westfield. I miss my real family too, but it's not nearly as bad.

I'm happy that there's a number of people that I've been able to keep up with, even parents. I had planned on keeping in touch with the following people who graduated.

Tim, Collin, Bret, Blake, Will, Ariel, Amber and Sarah St.

I never thought that I would have to work to get any kind of reply from any of them.

-I see Tim often enough, and we text at least once a week, and have seen each other already.

-Collin wont even talk to me. I don't know what's happened to him. I send him texts, call him on skype, talk on facebook, and he never seems to want to talk to me. Of the 21 text messages I sent him, he replied to 1, and all he said was "nice". And it's tough because I'm reminded of Collin every time I play my trumpet in wind ensemble, because he's not next to me to count with and high five during the rests.

-I've talked to Bret a LOT. We skype at least once a week, and text like daily.

-I've only heard from Blake twice, but I know he's busy, and I know it's not intentional, it's how he was in high school too.

-I talk to Will now and again, but nothing super intensive.

-I've probably talked to and seen Ariel the most of anyone, in person that is, Bret wins electronically.

-I talk to Amber regularly in the evenings. I'd say every 2 or three nights we text for an hour or so.

-Sarah and I skype some, but that's it.

And there's people I've been in touch with I didn't plan to be in touch with, but I'm happy about it.

-Amanda and I talk quite a bit on facebook and skype.

-Jess and I have had more conversations than I thought we would.

Still, I miss everyone really badly. And I think that 2 or 3 days of high school would do me a lot of good, to see everyone and make me feel like myself again. You see, I hit a dramatic change when I came here, because nobody really knows me and how I act and stuff. And I miss hugging people, there's a lack of hugs here. And I miss the kids still in high school, and two or three people that are a year ahead of me at other colleges. But I know I'll see them over the summer once everyone comes back.

Open house ends in 11 minutes, meaning all females get kicked out of the entire dorm. It's a dumb rule.

I wish I could let everyone know what they mean to me, and how badly I feel for taking them all for granted. You see people for some 8 odd years like every day, and you take them for granted, even the people I didn't like, I wish they were here. I find myself even missing the people that drove me mad in high school, namely Eddie. And I never thought I'd say that.

So my tip to whoever might be reading this. If you're still in high school, don't wait to blow through your senior year. It'll go fast enough. Let it soak in, and enjoy all the little moments. Even just sitting out in the courtyard eating lunch with friends is one of my favorite memories of high school, and walking through the halls and knowing who everyone is. It's the smaller things that make up the big picture. And that's the most insightful thing I've said in a long time.

I'm done with the mopey shit now. Time to get to my current life.

I find myself debating if I want to be a music major. Like every other day, I love it. And I find myself enjoying instruments other than trumpet, like a lot more than the trumpet itself. Im planning a minor in political science. And as for my major, I don't know if I want to go into politics or not. I feel like I could be really good in that field. And I think that I'd enjoy TV Entertainment as well. I really should have taken an exploratory set of classes.

And I think I'm decided that I'll transfer after this year, but possibly two years. I love some of the people I've met here, they're growing on me super fast. But the school itself, and all of it's god-loving is wearing thin on me.

And this next bit is the total guy in me, but the girls here really leave something to be desired. Even the ones that are super similar to me all seem to have this hidden side to them that's all conservative and religious. And in the past, those really haven't even been an issue to me. But they are now, and I can't place it. There's like 1 in 20 here that are totally normal girls, and they just happened to have ended up at Anderson, just like me. And they know that they're 1 in 20, so that rules out my chances. But I can't neglect this side of it. I've met some girls who are totally wonderful and totally great. And I found that by wearing a suit, you meet a lot more girls.

Something that I've neglected to say up until this point, not only on this, but to almost everyone in general. I feel like a stereotypical pig of a guy, because I really shouldn't be even looking, because I've been quazi-seeing someone since the tail end of summer. I don't know how it happened, but I'm hoping to have some answers this thursday.

And for those that enjoyed the ways I used to blog, with metaphors and junk, don't worry, because I'll be back to that style soon enough.

As always. If you're reading this, you know how to reach me.

Forgotten Memories

I'll do a quick summary of everything since my last post.

Basically, I've been at school. A lot.

I have 17 credit hours, and there are 5 that Im taking for 0 credit, so really 22.

I got sick of commuting, and I got a dorm up there. I moved up on friday the 10th. Today, Saturday, I came back because I needed to take care of some stuff, and I ended up deciding to spend the night here, because I didn't want to waste the gas driving back up to Anderson when I was going to come back to Westfield the next day.

Oh! And at Anderson, I found a new Chris Nagy. His name is Alex Hester, and he keeps trying to talk to me and follow me everywhere. Im ignoring him as much as possible and making better friends. His roommate doesn't care for him either, but he thinks I'm being a bit extreme. Oh just wait, I know I'm right about this guy, and soon enough you'll all be ignoring him like I do.

But I'll get to what's really got me going today.

I was driving around Westfield. And as dumb as this might sound, being moved out for even just one night has made a huge difference. Coming home, I didn't feel like I had to stay here, and I could leave whenever I wanted to. And now it's where I grew up, and not where I live. Again, I know, one night away. But it's made a huge difference.

But I was at a stop light that I've been at hundreds of times, and I remembered something, and it's the kind of memory that you never want to forget, because it's just that kind of fun.

Sometimes we, usually a combination of Tim, Collin and Blake, would drive around, and while scanning radio stations, sometimes we would land on a rock station. So at red lights, we'd have the music turned out, and I would go crazy with air guitar and drums, just to make people look at us. It's one of those dumb high school memories that I don't ever want to forget. And it's making me feel kinda bummed that those days are over, when they seemed like they took so long at the time.

But that's not even what I'm writing about tonight.

I was recently able to find my oldest friend on facebook. We meet in 1st grade on the playground, back when boys and girls had cooties. We were each other exception to the cooties rule. My first best friend was in fact a girl, and each of our respective groups of friends gave us so much crap for it, but we didn't care.

We were best friends until the day I moved, and my mom actually let me spend my last day in Kansas hanging out with her at her house. And when my mom came to pick me up, I realized I had left my box of pokemon cards in her room, and needed to go get them. She had put her favorite stuffed animal in the box to give to me. And it's not until I'm thinking about it like 9 years later that I realize how awesome that was. I still have that stuffed animal, and I've hardly gone anywhere without it. It's right by my bed right now actually, and it was the first thing I put on my list of stuff that needs to go back to Anderson with me tomorrow. Think what you will, I don't care.

I'd be back in Kansas from time to time, and I'd call her and we'd try to find a way to hang out. It's been a really long time since we got to hang out. Like really really long. I haven't seen her in like 4 or 5 years. I'd send her an email from time to time, but once of us would always be too busy to reply.

Well I found her on facebook, which pretty much made my day.

All I knew about her, is that last time I saw her, she was wearing fish-nets, and was in a sub-emo phase. Which still doesn't bother me at all. And I knew she played the violin. That's it.

So Im really amazed right now, because we were so alike when we were younger, but we ended up growing up in totally different areas and ways, yet somehow ended up pretty similar.

And so the blunt of this, is that I wish I had never moved at all, because I decided a long long time ago, when I still lived in Kansas, that I had found my perfect match. I'm pretty convinced that I was right about that, for the time being. All of my speculations have been made from reading her profile info and glancing at some photos. She grew up pretty decently, in my opinion. I know Im being super judgmental about this though, but I would know. Where ever she had her braces done, they could have done a better job. I saw a gap or two that, with all my experience with the orthodontist, even I would know how to close up.

Wow that was a strange tangent to get off track with.

Well I'm super excited to get back in touch with her, like without a doubt. But there's that lovely little part of me that's convinced, and has been for a long long time, that we would have been perfect together. She doesn't live in Kansas anymore either, she lives in Maine and goes to a small liberal arts college. She loves the environment and supports gay marriage. She doesn't like traditional religion at all. We spent the last 9 years growing up in different places. I'm as stunned as anyone.

But according to many photos and such, she's got a guy. And I think she could do much better, but this is all from judging on pictures. His profile was set up with super privacy. I will say, that he doesn't seem like a bad guy, really. AND we have almost identical taste in threadless t-shirts. (I KNOW!!!) But that' that. And now I'm super curious what would have happened if I had never moved, because this guy seems like me, only he looks funnier that I do. Not the "haha" funny, but the "...Oh.. that's his normal face" funny. Thinking about this makes me feel like kind of a bad person, in a way. I've got another date tomorrow, but all I can seem to think about is my old friend and getting to catch up. And I know for sure that this wouldn't be such a problem if they were a guy. But the girl I'm seeing is pretty understanding about stuff like this, and if I explain the back story if it comes up, I don't anticipate much of any kind of problem.

Now it's time for bed.

Oh! And I remember how much she HATES graham crackers, and how we both thought that cheez-its were the best things in the world. I wonder if her views on graham crackers have changed...

New Wakings

So I haven'y posted a thing since the tail end of July. And as usual, there's been simply a ton of stuff that's happened.

If my memory serves, I was anticipating working at band camp within a few days of my last post. It went well, considering that I sacrificed my summer for no pay, thanks Sands.

Then I went to Canada. It was fun, despite the parts that sucked huge balls.

And Im not really sure what happened after I got from Canada, it was only like 2 weeks ago, I think, but it feels like months.

Everyone has been leaving one by one, and it wasn't so bad at first. I actually hardly even noticed at all. I was really aware when the Ball State people left for school. One person can sure take up a lot of time. Not even three days, and I went up with Tim to visit Ariel. I wasn't able to get her a fish like I promised though, I haven' found the time for that yet.

Came back from Ball State, and it was super late and I was pretty wiped out.

Sunday night I was up at Anderson for a big dinner with all of the other music majors.

There are some really cool people, but I haven't been able to find my crowd just yet.

This whole last week I've been spending my entire life up there. If I wasn't commuting, it would be really awesome. But my commuter status will change soon.

I have like 7 people I can actually call friends at Anderson right now, or at least 7 new friends. College life is certainly different. People are so much more sociable and welcoming.

IU people left on Wednesday, and there's always things that are left unsaid, and along with that, there's the things that you wish you had said. I was able to get breakfast with Blake on Thursday, and that was when it really hit me, just how alone I really am here.

The high schoolers are busy at school, and when the few I'd hang out with aren't at school, they're terrible at letting me know when they're free. You would think that after telling her that if she just told me when she was free, I would take care of everything else, it wouldn't be too hard to hang out. But Jesus Christ it's impossible. Also, I can't get away with saying that at Anderson.

But I think I'll be at BSU a lot, so it's quite alright, because I wont need to be in Westfield very often.

And one more thing. I'm apparently quite readable.

I was eating dinner with Jessica, new Anderson friend who lives in Michigan and doesn't have a facebook account so it's been hard to creep on her, and while we were eating she threatened to hit me after he got into a banter about marching band techniques and I gave her fair warning that I will hit her back. She laughed at me and said I wouldn't, and that I'm just a giant teddy bear. She'd known me for four days at that point? I was speechless. She's got me down.

I think I'll end this post about now, I'm gonna try to see who I can get in touch with. It doesn't help that nobody but Bret will even bother to talk to me, which makes me feel even more isolated. I'm gonna try the high schoolers, because the college people are being ass-wipes, aside from Bret, and not bothering to even reply to me.

Dreaming In First Person Shooter

I think this could be a totally legit game. I would play it without a doubt.

There are two teams, sort of.

At first, one team was blue, and the other like a golden yellow. But that's just the color of ammunition that you shoot. That actual characters are either dressed in all white or all black from head to toe.

There are two floors, each one set up like a grid of rooms, and each room is totally different, at first. The black team starts on the first floor, and the white team starts on the second floor. There's only one way to get between the two floors, and it's just a large ramp.

Some of the rooms look more like something out of Tron, while others look like military bunkers. Here's a list of the rooms that I saw.

The ramp area, looks like something out of Tron.

The beginning area looks like a super minimalist military bunker with nothing more but cots.

There was a room with a lot of portals in it, each labeled, but I didn't go through any.

There's one room that is designed like the ice age, and everything is covered in ice and snow.

There's another room which is like the portal room, but in ruins, complete with a giant red and orange T-Rex that will chase and eat anything and anyone that it sees moving. I did not find a way to kill it.

Connected to that room is another series of rooms, I only got two rooms into them, and the farther you get, the farther into the past you get and the more and more dinosaurs there are. Some are nice, and some are not.

There were a few rooms that were like the ramp room, only it seemed to be some sort of base that you either wanted to capture or defend.

There was a room that was a forrest, and cycled through night and day in like 15 minutes.

There was an inverted room, where your controls became inverted, as did the colors.

According to my on-screen grid, there were 24 rooms, so clearly did not get to all of them, and I could only assume that the second floor was the exact same. And not all the rooms are connected like room to room. Some require you to go through lengthy hallways, in which there's no way that physically there was room for them, but I wont argue with a dream.

The weapons were so freaking cool too. I was only able to figure out the first 6, but I assume that there were dozens of them. The way I figure that it would work, is if you're playing 1v1, then you have all the weapons, and a 2v2 you get half the weapons, making sure that it's an even type for each player. And that would continue so on until you get to maybe 5v5, where there would begin to be multiple players with some of the same weapons. I'll explain the 6 that I figured out.

*I only managed to hit Bret with one weapon.

1. This seemed to be my primary weapon. It fired what looked like a colored stream of electricity, but I don't know what it did it I hit somebody.

2. This was like a nano-bot destroyer. It pretty much looked like it fired a quarter and if it was near the nano-bot, it would latch onto it and disable it.

3. This was the actual nano-bot weapon. You could either set them to activate right away, or set in a location for them to travel before activating. I wouldn't exactly call them nano-bots, as you could visibly see them. But Bret was setting locations for them, and it was like 2 small blocks that would slide across the ground until they got the to location, then link together and turn into some kind of robot. Bret's were turning into large mechanical spiders, but after I saw the first one, I was able to disable them all.

4. This gun fired like the 1st one, looked like a ray of electricity. But this one was for firing at the walls, floor and ceiling. It made these crystals start growing like weeds. I assume these were a defensive type structure.

5. This one was almost like a flamethrower, but it was firing a solid that would disappear unless it came in contact with something physical, in which case it would stick to that. Almost like a short range freeze gun.

6. This is the one I was able to hit Bret with. It was almost like a paint-gun. And I hit him with it once, and his uniform started to change.(I said earlier, there was a blue and orange team, but we were wearing white and black. The blue and orange was the type of like ammunition that you fired.) But I was turning him my color, and then he started to turn me to his color. This could very well make a player swap teams if they get fully painted.

But what was REALLY cool, was that weapons were reacting differently in certain rooms. I was in the 2nd dinosaur room, and I was trying to fire the short range thing, number 5, but it would instead place something that looked like a rams head on the ground. You could make it buck it's head and anything that was on top of it would go flying. And in another room, the gun to shoot crystals was growing Ice Cream scoops instead.

And like I said earlier, each room starts totally different, at first. The longer that the game progressed, the more that changed. Like the dinosaurs at one point stampeded, out of their rooms and were then in a number of rooms causing problems. That giant T-Rex for sure did not stay in that ruined portal room. And the Ice Age room started to freeze the rooms that are near it, so by the end the rooms next to it were frozen too.

It was a sweet dream. This was more for my record keeping, because this would make a cool video game I think. I think I would call it Dreamt. So if you ever see that game in stores sometime, you know that I made a really awesome video game, and that I'm probably rich. So you should try to get a hold of me so we can hang out.

An Honest Asshole

I admire an honest and upfront approach more than anything, because to show that kind of vulnerability to someone takes a lot of balls in my book. And that's how I like to deal with problems are have side-effects that actually get to me, by being upfront, honest and blunt about it.

This summer has blown everything out of the water with different things going on. And I finally got to the end of the things I really wanted to say this summer.

As I was searching for the way I needed to say what I was going to say for one final time, I started to feel sick to my stomach, something that has never happened before.

And sending that message made me feel great, just getting it out there and that weight off of my mind. But that kind of feeling doesn't last to the morning, and all morning I felt like such an asshole about the whole thing, and I never should have said anything.

And then to have it come around and wind up like it did-

---------I have to say that I think I hate the word wind the most, because I type something like I just did and I see wind, as in a breeze, but I know that I want wind, like a twisting or rotating motion, or in this case a finishing.------------------------

-like it did just makes me feel even worse.

I have to go back to what I constantly think though. What happened, happened, and it wont change because it's already been done. And now I have to deal with the reality of the situation that I've put myself into.

I really hate this feeling.

I Am Who I Am

Confessions.

I was at Target, and once again tried to use my telekinesis powers to bring a cart closer to me because I didn't want to talk to it.

That was a week ago.

I had a dream three nights ago that I was playing Quidditch, I was the Captain of the Griffindor team and I was a beater and I smashed the Ravenclaw keeper in the shoulder with a bludger and he fell off of his broom.

That's the 11th Quidditch dream that I remember. I'm usually either Ravenclaw of Griffindor. Always the team captain, and almost always a beater.

I had tried using spells in real life if there's nobody around.

Cleaning Chemicals

I just finished cleaning the shower that my sister and I share. It took the better part of two hours. It terribly disgusting sharing a bathroom with her. She simply doesn't care if anything is clean or dirty.

The one ledge where I keep my things: Water spots and a little soap build up.

Cleaned in maybe 3 minutes.

The whole rest of the shower that Julie uses: 7 old razors, ranging from rusted, broken, covered in black stuff and any combination of the three. Black mold, no doubt about it. Some strange orange/red residue from where ever she puts a conditioner bottle.

Easily took an hour.

The rest of the cleaning was just simple normal type cleaning for a shower. But I know that if I had the shower to myself, it would never get that dirty. When we built this house, she said she was going to save money and then tear down a portion of her bedroom wall and build her own bathroom, because I was such a disgusting person to share a bathroom with.

She's only cleaned the bathroom once in 7 years, and the one time she did, she used what ever cleaning solution she wanted, which explains why we have some spots with the paint and chrome destroyed.

I also got the toilet, which was gross too, but just because it was a toilet.

I haven't gotten to the sink yet.

The sink started to drip earlier this summer, and I haven't had the motivation to tighten whatever is loose under the sink. So the sink is even worse than normal.

On the rare occasion that Julie does brush her teeth, she rinses most of the toothpaste off before it even gets in her mouth, and then doesn't rinse the sink after she spits.

I got really light headed from chemicals too for the first time, so I'm pretty spaced out.

Life:

Life goes swimmingly. I think that I have more figured out now that I did during my last post. Some of the problems I was stuck with have been resolved, but then I end up just going to a new problem to fix.

Though I'm down to simply 1 interest for now.

Here We Go Again

It's been such a long time since I updated this thing.

I've graduated, turned 18 and done a lot more since I last posted.

The night of graduation seemed to fly by. I had hardly even realized what had just happened by the time it was over. Then we all still had to go back to school.

And it never hit me until just now, just I never realized what a huge deal my last day of school was, I had just spent the last 4 years in that place, and I walked out of it like it was any normal day.

My open house was a ton of fun. The weather was perfect in a week of storms, lots of people were able to go enjoy the park and lake and stuff.

I had my adult hug-virginity taken within minutes of becoming an adult.

I gambled within minutes of being able, and won 23 dollars.

Summer rolled on in it's usual way. I found myself with the band a lot, I am getting paid. It's not hourly or anything, it's a flat out check for what I've done this summer.

I've been trying to keep up with everyone that I can, but it's really hard, and I feel bad knowing that I'll possibly never see some of these people again in my life.

There's been lots of social drama this summer too, and I've caught myself opening up to more and more people, so I guess that can be seen as a good thing. The drama definitely has a center point though. Part of me wants to work it out for the better, and the other part wants to leave their sorry ass for being such a two-faced bitch all the time to everyone, not just me. Maybe spending some time away from people during college will do them good.

And I've actually managed to work myself into quite a mess of a summer as well.

I have a collection of interests, not meaning hobbies, but persons that are interesting.

One is a little older than me, but I've probably spent the most time of all my friends with her. It would be really complicated once school starts up though.

One is my age, like 7-8 months older whatever, but she's impossible to read, and I don't know that it would work like I hope it would.

There's another my age, but I know she's off limits. But.. Well.... In my defense, she usually texts me first to ask how I am and how my day has been. And with my Nana passing and all, she's been there for me if I needed anything at all. Like been there more than a normal friend.

One is a tad younger, and she too is taken. But I don't know how long that will last, and I know she's into me. So I see no harm in seeing what's there should they break up.

And the last one is a bit younger than me, and she's cute and all, but I think I know enough to see what she needs. She thinks it's a guy, when she really just needs a supporting person for her. If she wasn't so young, I would most likely consider it to be more than it is right now.

And I would have sworn there was only 4 like a week ago, oh well.

I guess that's all for now. Maybe I'll try to keep this more updated this summer.

T-Minus 19 Days

I graduate from high school in 19 days, and in a way, it scares the shit out of me.

I understand that it's a part of life, and moving on is important, but for the last four years, this life is all I've known. Four years of work and effort, and everything that I have to show for it ends in 19 days, and nobody will care, because it wont be relevant any more.

That being said, in 19 days time, I have to get my senior pictures, plan my open house and so much more.

That's quite a deal of stress, on top of what I'm already dealing with.

I'm still going about with bitterness from two weekends ago.

People are starting to get really bitchy and snappy at everyone.

I'm fairly sick of school right now other than band and choir.

And I suppose that's the most of it. There's other stuff, but not stuff that should be exposed to the open.

I'm trying my best to put off exploding and shutting down, because there's really just not any chance for it to happen now. Im riding on fumes all the way till graduation.

Good Guys Always Get Screwed Over

I just came back from my senior thespian awards night.

Im sad deep down that I'll never take that stage again, but this can only lead to new opportunities, and maybe even a new stage to take some day. I'm thrilled to have been voted Best Thespian, even though I don't know how those votes worked out. But I'm fine now knowing. I only wish that I had won at least one actual trophy or medal in my days, and not just a bunch of papers and patches.

I feel like I have the emotional capacity and understanding of a potato right now. And that really sucks.

Prom just came and went, and I was really excited for it. But I felt like it sucked, a lot.

There was drama within our group, drama that I could tell was pending, and then there were the ones who somehow got caught in between. Long story short, something that didn't directly effect me ended up fucking up my senior prom.

Sorry. But I would have like to dance with my date more than twice. I even punched someone in the face when they tried to steal in. That isn't even what bothered me the most. For easily 40 minutes. I just walked back and forth to the drinks, pretending to be thirsty, because I didn't want to stand there with nobody to dance with. And hell it even still happened at after prom, but at least I knew it was going to happen that time, instead of just turning around and being by myself. It was a masquerade theme, but I ended up wearing a mask the whole night.

Tomorrow I leave for disney world on the band trip. I imagine that I'll pretty much just shut down for a long time once I get back.

I don't even know what to do.

I've designed my brain to be a maze, and now I'm the one lost.

People ask, but I hate being needy.

People ask, but not the right questions.

People ask, but I'm not functioning properly.

---------------

-----

-

Looks Like the Road Ends Here

It's been some time since my last post, and in some ways, this has been a long time coming.

I have an awful lot to say right now, and there's nobody to hear it.

Nobody has been quite themselves lately. I know I don't feel like me. Some of these personality changes have been really sudden, and some of them I'm just finally sick of.

A.

I simply love you to death. You're absolutely awesome, and if only you would have some self confidence and believe it. Of all the people I've met and become friends with and high school, you are absolutely one of the best, and I'm incredibly glad that we have the relationship that we do, and I can only look forward to future days to see what they might bring.

B.

You're a brother I never had, and you know it. I'd do next to anything to help you out and it's going to take quite a lot for you to loose me and you know it. But sometimes, I feel like to take advantage of that. Knowing that I'll sacrifice something that I really want if it will help someone else, and the few times I object because I want it that badly, you get bent out of shape. You don't have to keep so many things from me, because it actually offends me quite a bit when you do.

C.

Hey. What the fuck is your deal? I don't even feel like I know who you are anymore. I even hesitate to call you family now, that's how bad things have gotten. I get it, you're a big kid and you can make you're own choices, but who you are now just isn't you anymore, and everyone around you can see it, as well as the cause. I hate it when you blow me off for other people, and simply ignoring me doesn't fix the situation. I hope someday we'll be friends again, like we used to be.

D.

I never really noticed when this happened, but we're really good friends. I had never pegged that we'd be friends, but we are and I'm really glad of it. But you're changing lately. We bicker a lot now, and you act like you're better than us when you hang out with us. You've gone from laughing along side to turning your nose up and walking away. Why?

E.

We're absolutely more alike than either one of us will ever admit, and I think that's how things ended up like they are. I miss hanging out with you, because now things are just a big mess, and it's only going to get messier. You're fickle now, and simply move from one thing to another, and so it seems that you've found a better crowd of people to hang out with now. So be it.

F.

We became friends by connection, and I guess to you, that doesn't mean much. I'm one of the only people you never want to hang out with it seems. We have our differences, but that's no reason to so blatantly exclude me. And the only times you talk to me? When you need advice that only I can give.

G.

Haha. You're so freaking strange. I'd have never pegged you to be who you are, and for each new leaf that becomes overturned, I'm still not surprised. What I want to say to you, why do you feel the need to make me responsible for your misfortune? This was an example of when I did something to make me happy first, because otherwise it wouldn't have happened. And now you just give me grief about it. I'm sorry, I did what I could.

H.

Oh you. You've been special all along, and you're going to be big someday, and I only hope you'll remember me when you are. We find common ground and interest in how our differences are alike, and how the things that are alike are different. Some stuff might not have gone so great in the past, but don't sweat it, I'll have your back covered as long as I can, that's what family is there for.

I.

I simply wish you knew the stress you put on me. There are times when I really need you to be around to help me, and you just aren't there. Maybe in the future, you'll realize what you did to me, but it'll be too late then. I'll be far away. Maybe I'll see you again sometime in the future and you'll understand. But for now, I just need you to block out some of those distractions and help me.

Those aren't even all the people I would like to say things to.

Life right now has been kind of suckish. Symphonic band got our first Silver rating in over 10 years. Not the way that I wanted to end my legacy of outstanding accomplishments, but there's nothing that can be done about it now.

Suddenly my dad has found god. I'm fine with that, except now he's trying to shove it down my throat. Out of the blue, he goes to some spiritual retreat, and comes back all preachy and wearing a cross every time I see him. I love all religion, everyone has their own thing that works for them. But here, in Hamilton County, there's nothing that works for me. I could go on and list issue after issue with every church I've been to over the last 3 years, but that would be a bore.

I need to find my follow-through mentality or else I'm never going to finish painting my room.

That being said, I need to tackle my Sunday to-do list.

It's Already March

I don't know what's come over me. I'm filled with such contrasting feelings.

I want things to move faster than they ever have, I want time to turn hours into seconds.

And I want things to stay exactly where they are, and never change at all.

I can't help but to think that this weather has been once cause, as it so suddenly changes from the bitter cold into the warm breeze.

I'm not sure of anything right now, but in a good way.

For about the last 6 months now, my mom has told me that I need to learn how to relax. How to relax and just do nothing. Just enjoy a day for what it is. I don't understand why that's just so hard for me to do, why I always feel like I need to be doing something.

After the last two days, which we're all non-stop, I feel like today might be the closest that I've come in a long time to just, relaxing. I don't really know.

I think I'm just gonna let life go as it does for now. I'll land where I land.

That being said, all I can do it hope for a real storm sometime soon.

Apocalyptic Dreams

Last night, as many others before it, I had an apocalyptic dream.

They're pretty entertaining, but stressful as hell while your asleep.

I always end up as one of the survivors of the apocalypse, and I know about it before everyone else does but nobody will listen to me.

There's usually three others with me. Sometimes there's two females, usually just one though.

This time it was about nature trying to kill everyone and start the world over.

First, there were these really weird mutant frogs, but I was the only one to notice them. But them the like massed together and turned into a monster thing. The four of us ran from that.

We stayed at a hotel for a night to rest, but then in the morning the wave of stuff had almost caught up, and we just about left the chick behind, but she ran out to the car and jumped in at we were speeding away. We were also in a convertible.

And then before I knew it, plants and stuff were taking over everything and everything was green, ever the air. And instead of driving away from it like everybody else, we drove straight into where it was coming from. Eventually we found a house, which shouldn't have been standing since all the invasive plants and stuff had grown through already. But the guy that lived there, who was one of our fathers, had sealed the house shut 100% and had everything he needed to live. So we broke in and stayed there. And he had a lot of animals and some of them had been taken over by the plant stuff and were trying to attack us.

We ended up just staying there for a really long time, and nothing ever got better. I think all the other humans died.

But anyway, I'm really confused as to why I have so many lately.

Now to life.

Exams are over! I don't even know where that trimester went, it just like just starting, and then it was over. I'm in such a daze. But exams being over means one thing, dinner. Before dinner, Tim, Dana and I went to the fashion mall. They decided I needed to look like a prep, so they took me to Abercrombie and Fitch and put me in a 300 dollar outfit that was uncomfortably tight, but looked really good I guess. Then they took me to Lucky and dressed me up. I was somewhat ok with that one, even though it was even more expensive. And I don't understand what is going on with the zipper in fashion right now. What's wrong with the zipper? Why must it be replaced by three buttons? I guess I'll never know.

And now I'm hitting the point of no concentration.

Who Needs a Judge When You're This Critical?

I'm the most wish-washy freaking person right now. I can't stick with anything.

I'm going back and forth, back and forth about what I want to do all the time. I'm totally rethinking all of my thoughts for college as well.

Partially, I think it's due to the fact that I'm involved in everything imaginable, and they've all needed 120% of their normal attention lately.

Thespian is getting to it's pivotal point I feel, just that sweet spot where everything is happening. And it's just Sarah and I doing everything, which is kind of nice because it's easy to come up with common ideas and stuff, and the rest of the year is just about set.

Chem Club has been taking up way more than it's alloted time. Interviews are like 3 days a week for next year's officers. Last year I was elected, and there were just four of us. The 5th whined and bitched enough that she got the last officer title, and basically doesn't think I should be an officer, and that I "got all your(my) band and theatre friends to come and vote for you". Yeah, I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I was working on all the projects everyday and that people generally know me and like me. This year we didn't elect new ones in the beginning, and we went from 5 to 3 officers. And I honestly think that the three of us kick ass working together. We finally get Tim back soon. He was there today. I'm glad he's back, but I wish he'd step off just a bit. Alex, Gretta and I have the whole election thing all planned out. His input is useful, but right now we don't need it, and yeah.. That probably sounded really asshole-ish, but that's how I feel.

Young Democrats basically has one officer, me. I love Kaylee to death, but she's not suited for it. Her idea of planning stuff is talking about it on facebook or texting. When it comes to go out and do it, that's where it goes wrong. Tim kinda took the hint I needed a hand with things there and that's nice, but the rest of the club needs to remember that I'm still the head of the organization, and when I'm explaining what we're going to be doing, that they need to be listening to me, and everyone else needs to shut the hell up.

There's a band concert in a couple of weeks, the music is coming along nicely for the most part.

There's a choir concert tomorrow, and that's going to be alright. I don't think it'll be our best exactly, but it's going to go as they go, and Vocal Jazz is going to own the rest.

The musical is just flying by. It felt like there was so much more time last year, and maybe it's because I was actually in music numbers and stuff and was working on numbers that relied heavily on me; solo, Minstrel, Jester and I, and Normandy, plus large songs, and then choreography for most of them. I guess maybe I was there a lot more. But still, it's just flying by and it's crazy how fast opening night is coming up.

Way back when, I wrote about the job that Mr. Sands offered me, along with the title of "Brass lieutenant". I didn't really tell a ton of people because it wasn't 100% and I didn't want certain people hearing about it. Well I guess that Kyle went and asked Mr. Sands too. And I guess he only remembers that he talked to someone about it, and told Kyle, almost word for word, what he told me, including that he would have the title of "Brass lieutenant". That pisses me off and I'm going to get that fixed within the week. That's my job, biotch.

I'm gonna go check on my dinner, I'm hungry. This isn't all I have to say. Most of what I have left would be for a "Last person in the car" situation, which hasn't happened in forever, so there could be some kind of exception in the near future.

Chimes In The Background

This week was kinda of painfully slow, even for a 4 day week.

I ended up thinking a lot about jobs this week too, not like a job now, but a real one. Even talked to Dave about it.

Yeah, I want to go with music. I pretty sure that's what I want to do. But there's some factors that go along side with it. I'm afraid I'm not going to enjoy playing nearly as much if it becomes my job, because it's not going to be what I do for fun, it's going to be what I do for money. That makes me take a step back. And the odds are, I'm not going to become some famous trumpet player that will make tons of money. It just doesn't happen. Society doesn't want to buy an album of just trumpet, they want people singing poorly into electronic pitch-correcting microphones. And if I don't get lucky and make it big with a group, all I'm left with is music education. I love band, but not enough to make it my job. The money's simply not in it.

I've essentially entirely ruled out cooking for a job as well. I don't want to be some lame cook in the back of a chain-restaurant that makes the same 25 dishes every day. I don't want to do that at all. I want to bake things in a situation that I control. And I even read up on internships for chefs and bakers. Basically, I will never have the time to do one. And chefs don't get to have time off. Think about it. You like to go out and be around in town, go out to eat on weekends, yes? Well, the chefs don't, the weekends are when they're busiest. And getting a good time off for Holidays? Somebody has to cook for all those other people going to with family to celebrate the Holidays.

*Sigh*

This has not been such a terrific week.

Started with Pancakes and Glitches, ending with me rethinking what I'll be doing for a living. Somewhere in the middle though, I got me a good dose of "sun", which kept me relaxed for a day or so.

I'd Like Pancakes, With a Side of Glitches

ISSMA was shit. I can't believe I did that poorly, and I know it's my fault.

Scherzo, the group that was supposed to go to state if we played blindfolded. Dave and I looked at dozens of quintets last year, and I finally came to pick this one. During first trimester I got to hand-pick who I wanted to play in the group. I had total control over this. I picked a song that was hard in it's own rights, a challenge. Some of the members, well they're weaknesses were what this song focused on, and I picked them anyway. I was stupid. Scherzo got a silver. I knew at the final chord we got a silver.

Pink Panther was the other one that was my fault. Just half a point from taking it to state. I played baritone for this song. A two measure solo was it, that was what I had, and I killed it. Not killed it as in a played it well. Killed it as in I looked away from my music for a split second and lost my place entirely and missed the whole thing. Half a point was in those two measures, I know it.

Spiritual Jazz was risky, but we went for it. I feel confident saying that I was one of the better people on that piece. Granted that I'm a trumpet player playing the tuba, I did really well. 16.5. Not even close.

The two choir pieces got golds. Antiphony No. 1 and Sonoran Desert Harmonies.

And I can't even accredit the night before to anything that went wrong.

The party was a lot of fun, and I got out of there around 12:30, so I got my 8 hours of sleep.

I don't think that I had ever pictured that I would have enjoyed myself so much.

Today I went to Ihop with a ton of people.

It was good. 2 eggs, 2 strips of bacon, 2 servings of hash browns, and 10 pancakes. I think I got my money's worth. Not to mention my new pitcher.

Early on though, that was where some big glitches came up. And I had never imagined them in my wildest train of thought.

I know it wasn't purposeful, what happened, but I'm kind of resentful for it, because I feel like I got robbed of something. I'm deliberately not saying what happened though, not here.

I'll see what happens. Life keeps going, because these things are just a part of it.

And who knows, maybe that's what was supposed to happen.

Scratch that. It was what was supposed to happen, because it did happen. There's some of my rarely seen philosophical side.

Time for bed.

Breathing Easier

Antibiotics are quickly kicking the crap out of my sinus infection.

I could notice a difference just between 4th period and bonus period.

That being said, I'm praying that my usual playing ability is going to return soon as well, because my solo is kicking the shit out of me. I told Dave I wanted a solo that would still be a challenge to a college trumpet player. He handed me a packet of the hardest trumpet solos for ISSMA group 1. I think I'm playing the 4th hardest one.

I am happy that I'm playing it though, no matter how bad it may turn out, because the things that Dave said people normally mess up on this piece, are actually the things I'm doing better at. I kicked the crap out of the rhythms and stuff, I just don't have the endurance to play the whole thing, especially if I'm going to be playing a tuba just 12 minutes before my solo time.

I ended up missing my favorite theatre warm-up thanks to Chris. I get that we needed to practice the trumpet choir thing, but I don't understand why we spent 9 minutes practicing how we're going to warm-up and put our horns up. I think that a scale and a long tone to tune to is all we need.

And I went there promptly as I got the message, because I've played with them twice now. I stood outside the locked door for 6 minutes before Chris finally let me in. Did I mention that he also made eye contact with me 4 times as well? Yeah, and he just kept on playing, then proceeded to play the whole piece two more times before letting me in.

And he puts trash in my lockers. How do I know? Because the trash that I put in His locker Earlier that morning before he was there ended up in my locker after he was the last one in there. I'm going to pour and egg white down his trumpet bell on some random friday.

God I'm such a terrible person...

And troublesome texts have not stopped at all.

Every single day you text me now. I'm fine being friends and all. And this whole "something's up between us" is because I'm trying to send a message while keeping your feelings in mind. And the new thing, that we need to "have a good talk, about everything". Ummm, I'm going to avoid this "talk" at all costs, because it could very well be disastrous to many things, and simply doesn't need to happen.

And I'm sure that you'll bring up how I never replied tonight sometime tomorrow. I'm fully aware that I'm not replying to your messages, asking if I feel like talking or not tonight. I've told you what's on my plate right now. I've got 6 main courses of music, an oversized side of bowling sectionals and party on the same day, as a dessert of being off script. That's what I'm doing. I know my priorities, and I need to keep them straight.

Right now, I'm gonna play some trumpet for a while and listening to The State of The Union because I can get extra credit And that I need to pay attention.

To set things straight, I'm up for non-troublesome texts.

Troublesome Texts and Audio Warnings.

I'm on a little experiment, to see if I can save 10 bucks a month, which in a grand scheme is a lot.

I'f I stay below 1000 messages a month, I'll save 10 dollars. So I've cut back everything facebook tells me, and the number of people I follow on twitter for mobile.

I think I can save that 10 bucks a month.

Problem that I've got now.

Is that I only seem to get one kind of text any more. A text that is a problem that I can't seem to deal with.

I more/less wish that I did not even have a cell phone at times, that is how sick of this I am.

So I just tweeted a bit ago. "Holy Shit. This is the worst thing I think I've heard in my life. I can't believe I played in it. Im ashamed, and also glad I've progressed"

Dave gave me a recording he made for a brass choir 3 years back. It brings back some memories though, being that it was my first time participating with an ISSMA group and that it was my freshman year.

I wanted to do a brass choir this year, and Dave picked the same piece. My first high school brass choir piece will also be my last. Poetic much?

Well anyway. I think he gave this to me as a warning, because this piece was terrible. Like I don't want to listen to it anymore, but it's the kind of piece that gives you hope that it'll turn out just fine and sounds pretty for a second, and then it sounds like a bunch of violins playing half-steps from one another.

Dave- warning received. I'm going to beat the crap out of them if they can't play it right.

That's that.

Troublesome Texts and Audio Warnings.

Chicken Limo

Yeah that's right. I'll be going to prom in a Chicken Limo.

Jess had gone ahead and already decided what was going to happen and who was in her group, as she always does, and didn't even ask if we wanted to, just assumed we would. She does that kind of stuff all the time and I don't know how people can stand it. Everything is about Jess and how she wants it done, even other people's parties.

Tim and I had been talking about the prom group weeks before we heard, not even from Jess, that Jess had decided we were in her group.

Then she found out that Tim and I put a deposit on the chicken limo, and suddenly became interested. Well too bad, Jess. There's only one chicken limo and it only holds eight and there's no room for you and your obnoxious cackling.

I'm gonna be flying all over the place the next week or so.

It's gonna be madness.

Collapsable People Skills

I can't pull this off much longer. But I'll shoot for a record.

There's other things to say first though.

2010 North American International Auto Show, was pretty cool. Ford dominated everybody else, but that's no surprise. The trip there and back was fun too.

I can't even put it all into words, it was just a ton of fun. Including fun that almost got us run off the road by lesbian vampires who were no older than ourselves.

From Detroit, we hit the "Go Home" button on the gps, to get us back to Westfield, and began to follow it's direction. About an hour or so into the drive, Tim questions if we're going the right way. Only to find that the gps it taking us through an entirely new route, which went through Ohio. I followed the high-lighted route and saw that fate was taking us right by a golden opportunity. It was taking is right by Napoleon, Ohio. Napoleon is where the wonderful Chris Nagy came to us from.

Needless to say, we took an extra stop in Napoleon, Ohio, and even found the High School, which was supposed to be all locked up. Fate had other plans, because in one of the front doors was a door stop, keeping it open just an inch or so. I beckoned Tim over, and we both entered the empty, dimly lit school.

Looking back, it was like a horror movie setting. Three teens. A small, quaint little town where everybody seems oh so nice. Two of them leaving the other alone in the car outside while they explore the closed building. The youngest of them, with a camera, documenting everything in sight while the oldest scouts ahead. They find an unlocked room, the natatorium. The youngest slowly walks in, surveying the room, assuring himself that it is safe, and the oldest stands guard outside. They've explored everything within sight, everything but the elevator in the corner. After entering the elevator, the two find that there's only one direction that the ground-level elevator will go, down, and that it will open on the other side. The door begins to shut, the two watch as the window to the dimly lit, abandoned first floor slowly disappears before them.

Doesn't that just set up a terrific horror movie?!

We didn't go into the basement, that went against our better judgement. Though now I really wish we had, because I'd love to know what was down there right now.

--Here's for the random bit here.

I've discovered, that if I was skinny enough, and had no abdominal muscles, I would be owner of a terribly ugly "outtie" belly button. But that wont every happen, so no worries!

This particular ENR started at about 9, and it's just past 10.

I was tossing around different titles, when I got a text, which is exactly part of my problem.

I can't very well keep up with what life is tossing me, and Im afraid to say that the horizon only shows more curveballs flying my way. It just seems to come in waves like this, and this is a storm that I've been forecasting for over 6 months now. I waded into the deep end, ever so slowly, only to have the water level rise when I was nice and comfortable. I might loose my sanity if I wasn't bound by morals.

Other update, I still can't extra ears, or any other sensory preceptors. But any help on how to do so would be largely appreciated.

Origami Ninja

Turns out, I suck at throwing paper throwing stars, haha.

Thursday was fun. Had vocals for the musical, then off to Thursday Night Live, which is surprisingly fun for a school talent show, and I wish they did more of them.

Friday I didn't go to my meet, I stayed for choreography, which as it turns out, I never dance, only watch in the center of things, utterly disgusted at what's happening. Aka, I didn't even need to be there. But I also didn't really want to use the gas to drive all the way to Alexandria, of wherever it was. That evening I went to Kaylee's party. Ummm...

Long story short, it wasn't the most enjoyable thing I've done, and after asking Sarah, turns out she greatly agreed. So we almost ended up ditching the party, because it just really wasn't a ton of fun to me. Though we didn't end up leaving, she left early, I stayed till we all got kicked out.

Today I've made lots of cookies, watched saturday morning cartoons- which, have changed an incredible amount since the days when I watched them religiously, that's growing up I guess- did laundry, watched some shows online, played some PS2, now I'm here, and I'm gonna start packing for a road trip as soon as I'm done here.

-Super random and weird-

I've been lounging around in just an undershirt and jeans all morning. I just stretched and happened to look at my left arm, right where the sleeve hits, as I was stretching and the sleeve pulled back. There's a bite mark. I have absolutely no explanation for the bite mark, only that it is there, and looks rather recent. I even just tried to see if I somehow bit myself, and there's no way that the bite mark is from me.

This mildly disturbs me.

I guess I should get packing, I'm expecting to leave in about 15 minutes or so, and I'll be back early monday afternoon. I'm hoping this will be a lot of fun.

Till monday!

Read What I'm Not Saying

What I say has a meaning. And it's up to those that see what I say to place a meaning with my odd-ball statements. There's not much more than that.

It's Wednesday, I've lasted this long, so the rest of the week is no problem.

I've not been able to pull myself away from music this week either, and it's making me feel somewhat more relieved about going into live performance. Band's been super easy right now, like counting rhythms, not missing key changes and accidentals like I usually do, and putting myself in the higher notes of my range whenever I need to. I ended up over-shooting a high B three times today, and playing in the shelf above it, being high C, D and E. Would have been awesome if they had fit into the chord, haha.

And the craziest thing happens when I listen to this one song. I like feel certain parts of it. Like literally, I feel it in my molars... Yeah, I know...

Ever since Christmas Break ended, my moms been getting on me like every day about deciding on a college, and she doesn't seem to understand that I'm going to learn all my options before I even come close to a decision. And that just because one school has officially called me three times asking about my thoughts for residence. Sent me two letters informing me of scholarships I've received, that now total $48,000. I'm being pressured to go there, and I don't think it's a fit. It's like a final back-up school. Julie is mad about this as well, and started going on her "It's not fair..." rant.

What's not fair? That I took school seriously and wont end up at fucking Ivy Tech?

But college just seems so far off, and I'm fine living today for what it is and I don't to miss anything while I'm squinting to the distance.

Wings Sprouted, Foreign Language Spoken

Today was pretty much two things.

Mind numbingly painful due to some strange occurrence of my teeth.

And the other half was pretty awesome, and left me on a buzz.

The thing about my tooth, is that it's not all the time. And that it got me to stay home for a while, while let me play my game, which I also beat.

Which leads me into my next topic. I can cross of part of my resolutions now, as I have beat the normal mode of Kingdom Hearts Re: Chain of Memories. But it turns out that there's a bonus mode with a completely different story line, so I'm gonna need to beat that now..

While beating the game, it was pretty interesting. There was a warm-up boss, before the final boss. That boss was harder than the actual final boss, which I beat on my first try. And that happened to be the FIRST TIME EVER that I beat a final boss on the first time. And then there's that bitter sweet feeling that you get when the credits start rolling. That you spent so many hours, just to see those credits, and you feel kinda dumb. And then there's that movie at the end of the credits that hints you to the sequel.

Buzzing was pretty much after school onward. It might have just been pretty awesome.

Right Round

(Not Like a Record)

Normally, I'd be on my way to school right now, but, I'm not. I'm at home.

Why am I at home? Because yesterday evening while I was making cookies and minding my own business, my left from tooth began to hurt really badly, like a throbbing pain, and it felt incredibly cold. I dealt with it for like 2 hours, just thinking I was crazy. After two hours, I took one of my mega pain killers, which is also supposed to make me fall asleep within 30 minutes. An hour later I was still wide awake, though my tooth was somewhat better. My mom said that if it hurt in the morning, I wouldn't be going to school.

I'm not on my way to school, and it's 7:20.

And what's the importance of Right Round?

That's how the dinner table is spinning.

It spins and spins, but for the first time an entire dinner course has flown off of the table and shattered against a wall. That's probably why restaurants don't have spinning tables.

I wish I was on Pandora, that seems like it would be really cool. Having an Avatar and stuff.

Starting Down the Velvet Hallway

The title actually means nothing, and I haven't the slightest of how I thought of it.

First week back at school. It was decent. Nothing too special.

Starting on the musical every day now.

Friday was started with a wonderful delay and breakfast at steak and shake.

I left choreography super early to go to a bowling meet.

I did ok. It was just about a normal warm-up game for me. Like 136 I think it was. Nothings amazing, just ok.

Came back into Westfield and wanted to go sledding in the worst way, so I sent out some texts to ask people. My phone decided that it was in the mood to not send nor receive any messages, making the idea of going sledding impossible.

But I did get out tonight. Went to Starbucks with some cool people, did doughnuts and drove through snow drifts, then ran out of gas.

Had to call somebody to get some. That was fun and a disappointment.

I'm probably a pretty terrible person for being so judgmental, but this is probably the biggest thing I'll ever judge anyone on. Smoking.

Aside from being absolutely terrible for you, making you smell gross, and ruining your teeth. It's probably the biggest turn off ever. I can't even put it into words how repulsed and disgusted I am. And considering other things too.

In all reality though. Sometimes the unexpected things make everything else seem somewhat easier. And it was bound to be one thing or another to get resolved, and regardless, one of the options was going to be somewhat messy.

Super zSleepy as of now.

2010: A Beginning of... Beginnings.

So I sit here, in a new year.

First of all, I forgot how incredibly stressful planning a New Years party is when you're only home two days before the party.

Second of all, I forgot how much fun they are once everything comes together.

Before I get to the whole New Years thing, I'm going to wrap up December.

I had to go on a road trip. I wanted to go and everything, but it wasn't what I had hoped it to be. Julie brought her boyfriend with us, and I did not like that.

----Non-Related Interjection: Wow, I guess I'll take the hint. Thanks.----

I had to share a room with her boyfriend too. And I think I heard them call one another "love" more than their actual names.

Relatives haven't changed much.

The whole state hasn't changed much.

Got back and did a video project that took the whole day.

The next day I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned for my New Years Party, which about brings me up to speed.

A year ago, I started LimeGreen. And I did very well for the first month, and I slowly found less and less time to update it. One of the first things I wrote, were my resolutions. To some extent, I did very well with them, and others, I did terrible at.

1. Keep room clean.

Nope, just by looking over my shoulder I can tell I didn't do that one haha.

2. Loose Weight.

I suppose I did. I'd have to say I didn't know what I was writing back then. Explanation a bit later.

3. Be more open.

I don't know. I'd have to ask other people. I mean, I really didn't keep much a secret in that sense. If somebody asked, I told.

4. Do 3 brand-new things every month.

I did a lot of new things last year, 3 a month, I did not.

5. Look at colleges.

Not a very good resolution, because I kind of had to.

Resolution #2.

At the time, I didn't know much of anything about weight loss, not saying that I know a vast deal one year later. I was all about the number that I saw, and nothing more. I didn't care about muscle mass in comparison to fat or anything like that really. I did in fact take close to 8 inches off of my waist in the last two years, 6 of them being last year. For that, I take a good deal of pride, for I'm just barely too big for a 38, but a 40 is loose. And near the end, I stopped really looking at the actual number so much, because I didn't care. I actually ended up gaining weight in the fall once I started to exercise more and eating well. That turned out to be muscle mass, which Im fine with.

Enough with the past though, time for the new resolutions.

1. Stop ending up "there" when I'm just bored in my room.

2. Keep my room in a state where it can be cleaned in 15 minutes or less for company.

3. Re-Instate savings funds; Black Friday, Christmas, Birthdays and so on.

4. Continue to be more open, and try to use less metaphors for things I'd actually like to say.

-I'll need friends to help me out on that, even if it's just demanding to know what it means.

5. Don't back-track on what self-growth I've done.

6. Beat the following games:

Pac-Man World 2

Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories

We ♥ Katamari

Harvest Moon: Wonderful Life- Special Edition

7. Read more books.

8. The whole weight loss thing-

Ideally- get between 200-210 and stay there, it's still kind of heavy, but I need to think realistically. I'm a big guy, and to be like 170 or something, I'm afraid I'd just look anorexic and sickly, which just doesn't suit me. Should I dip under 200 and still look and feel good and healthy, then wonderful, but if not, no big loss. As of this morning, I'm at 234. So pretty much, 25-35 pounds in one year. But there's more. Because I know more about body build-up(or at least think I do) now, I have more things to include. As for those, Im not entirely certain, but they pertain to muscle mass, and the fact that I want more. Because with my frame, I could easily beat the crap out of somebody. But in reality, some times I don't feel like I could back it up. So I'm aiming to fix that.

9. Grow to 6' 8 or taller.

I can't control that a whole lot, but I want to. I love being tall. Sure, somethings are a hassle, but so what! What I can do is eat more foods that promote growth and get a better nights sleep more often. Because Im predicted at a max of 7'2. Which means I've got a long way to go. But I'm not sure I want to be THAT tall, 6'10 sounds like a good max.

That's all for now. I have one or two more I'm tossing around, but those 9 are the ones I seriously would like to work on. And since this has already been such a long post, I'm going to cut it off here, and just hold my tongue, which has tons to say, until another time.