It started on Friday, I was registered and ready to kick some magic ass at the Fashion Mall, when I decided I would check Facebook Mobile randomly. What's the first thing I see in my newsfeed? "In a relationship". What was below that? A wall post ending in "love you <3"
That was pretty devastating, and honestly lead to me being more messed up than I think I've ever been. I've had plenty of stress headaches in my life, by living a stressful life, but this was unlike anything I've dealt with. The first bracket started maybe 15 minutes later, I was deciding if I wanted to drop out or not, but too late, the pairings were posted.
I was fortunate enough to be paired with Bret, I'll say that was fates way of throwing me a bone after dropping a boulder on me. I ended up beating him, but I told him to report it differently so it would help him for the rest of the night. Game one I was thinking clearly and had a good win, second game I played a few things wrong and lost, third game walked into the one situation that would let me win. Had to drop though, too much on my mind, headache was thriving, and I felt like I was going to throw up. I can't remember any times that I really think I was just 100% miserable, but that makes the list. Just thinking about the situation makes my stomach churn.
I went home and took a large number(within healthy reason) of pills which did little to nothing. Sitting at home alone was going to kill me, so I went to a bon fire. Got shit because I needed to sit with my phone and talk it out with some really awesome people before I went insane.
About 36 hours of that feeling was just more than I could take, and decided it was time to talk it out. I was kind of surprised at how well it went. It wasn't a run-around either, it was exactly what she thought it was. I left that conversation with the heaviest heart you could imagine. It was all about stupid prom dinner, and how my suggestion ended up controlling the night, and taking control of the situation away from them. For one, it was still a stupid-ass thing to get mad about, and it showed that they're really not as mature as they think they are if something like that makes you decide that "I'm through with this person". A second reason came up, that I respected a great deal.
I'm John Steele, and I don't expect that half the things I get myself into are safe, let alone legal. She couldn't put herself though being with someone who she constantly had to worry about what I was drinking that night, what construction zone I found my way into, or what I might be lighting on fire on the particular night. As incredibly sweet as I thought that was, I don't need a babysitter, I'm alive and thriving.
I don't take any credit for the prom dinner problem, I still don't see that I did anything wrong at all. But I'm kicking myself slightly right now, because all those things I did were because there was just nothing better to do. I can't find a job to save my life, I'm not taking summer classes, and I feel like I have a year of college experiences I need to make up for because Anderson sucked. I've not exactly liked some of the things I've found myself doing lately, and I kind of miss being really responsible and too busy beyond all reason to get myself into any trouble. I'm gonna call that Goody John, and I'm Cannon John right now. Dangerous things are fun, but I feel like I might be close to working them all out of my system.
I don't want to say that this is the event that made me want to kind of clean up my act a little bit like I used to, but I might feel better if I did. I've been saying that I've been off of my game for a few months, and I've been a loose cannon for a few months now.
I'm about ready to wrap this up, because it's 3:10 in the morning, and I thought I was going to bed half an hour ago. But I've got one more thing to add. I kind of tossed music aside, even playing my trumpet just wasn't fun like it should have been. It's left a strange void that hasn't ever been empty, because I've been playing since 4th grade, and I grew up with it having a place in my life. I painfully miss singing right now, I watch acappella videos on youtube all day long. I also really miss acting. Something recently has just put me in a perfect villainous mindset, I could absolutely play one right now in a thriller, and I've always been a supporting lead of a comedy type of mindset. But I'm really getting tired now, and my stomach is starting to be bitchy with me, so I'm going to call it a night while it's technically morning.
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