This is a topic that's been on my mind for just over a week, 8 days really, and I still can't quite get it out of my mouth. It wasn't until last weekend that it hit home again, and I really decided I needed to write about it.
I had to write a paper about the spiritual emphasis week that went on last week on campus, a lot of it was personal reflection and discovery and junk. I didn't think too much about it until I took a step back and actually found myself doing what the professor was setting out to do. Force you to look at your own life, but without you in the equation.
I also have a seminar class that we're discussing "The Four Loves", and as much as I don't enjoy discussion at all in that class, I had a lot to relate to about it.
It almost made me feel like a computer system that was becoming self-aware. It never really ends well according to all the movies I've seen of things like that. But I'm not an evil robot, at least not for the time being.
Basically, it boils down to this.
I'm a lot better of a person that almost all of my friends. But by saying that, it makes me less of a good person, and I can deal with that. I think really highly of the people that I consider my friends, and there are some that I hold a lot of respect and love for, and I try to make that really obvious. Most of my friends know that if something ever goes down, I'll be the first guy to jump up and protect them. They know I'll always have time to listen to them when they need someone to talk to. They know that I'll drop things that are important to me if they need something. And that I'll go places I have no interest in going if it means we can hang out for a little bit.
The initial idea for this came from last week, when I was having a really shitty time, and just needed someone to hear me out. I don't have anyone on campus that I can really just level with, so I looked to my friends from Westfield, the people I'd gladly do the same for. I was shocked, which later turned into anger, at what happened. But I get it, who would want to listen to someone else's troubles when they can talk about themselves? It's cool, don't worry about it. JK. Actually, not even JK, I'm bull shitting you.
I'm kind of pissed at almost all of my friends. Almost all, that's important. I give and give, and there's just nobody really giving back at all, and my tank has been empty for quite some time. I look back at the last 4 years, and I've had 4, maybe 5 people who have actually just sat and listened to me. What's worse? Those were all one time things.
In my seminar class, I could only think of one person who really did all the of the things a friend should do for another friend, and I told them so later that day. I have lots of friends, and looking at the whole grand scheme, they each give a little bit of the spectrum, but it just doesn't always work. Sure, 25 people chip in 4%, that's 100%, right? Well what happens when I'm shelling out 40% to 25 people? That's 1000%. I know people say to give it 110%, but 1000% is a bit steep.
Even right now, I've got a sub-train of thought going on, evaluating all my friends and stuff. Not all, just the ones who I know I'll be in touch with for years and years to come, the ones I have a long history with. It just kind of bums me out that while thinking through all of this, I get the feeling that people use me, and a lot.
I had to tell a class what my mission is, and while I know it was meant as my spiritual and christian mission, I don't have one. I have a life mission, and that's to be a better person than I was the day before, and that's what I told the class.
I'm kind of getting off target now, but that's what thinking is, it just goes.
I just really wish I had friends that would treat our relationship as a two way street. I can't even count the number of times I've helped people with problems and been there for them when they were down and out, and then life decided to curb stomp them once more. And all I can think of for myself is how much I got out of my own bad situations on my own, or avoided problems entirely. And writing this kind of makes me feel more alone than I've ever felt, and I'm even in my own house, in my home town.
HOLY SHIT. So the smoke detector in my room chirped, and I'm totally unfocused now, and I'm worried it's going to chirp all night.
I've got a few more people to thank, and stuff, and I'll pay it forward sometime to show how much I appreciate it.
I've also got a few more thoughts to lay out from my last post-
You've got to be fucking kidding me. The smoke detector in the living room downstairs just chirped. Holy crap.
Few more thoughts-
I wish that they respected me enough to talk to me face to face, or even over a phone call. It's easy to hide behind words on a screen, that's what I've always thought. It wouldn't have been hard at all, especially because I wouldn't have even had anything to say until 10 minutes after the conversation ended.
I guess it might just be too much to want a friend like me. It sounds arrogant, but it's what I've come to find true. I'm inherently a better person than most people I know. If I did the whole religion thing, that'd be the icing on the cake. But don't worry, this cake doesn't need icing, it was made with love and a cup of pudding for extra moistness.
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