Knocking on Closed Doors

Anyone who actually reads this most likely already knows I'll be going to Westfeild's prom at the end of the month. I was looking forward to it at first, but now I just don't know. I had thought about this once or twice, but the real reason it crossed my mind tonight because there's a show on NBC I've started watching, I don't know the title of it, but tonight the episode it about prom and this family sending their oldest daughter. I'm spacing in and out of it.

One of the parents was talking about how it's a great way to say goodbye to high school, as in her case only seniors go to prom, and it got me thinking. As much as I miss high school, and as much as I hate college, I just have a gut feeling that I'll feel out of place just ever so much. When I've gone back to the high school, it's always been fun and stuff, but a part of me is always looking for the people that I'm expecting to see there, and they never show up. Prom is just going to be an extreme case of that, as well as reminders of memories a plenty.

Junior prom, going with someone who I scarcely knew and having a really pretty decent time aside from her vanishing between prom and after-prom. Senior prom, and the lovely drama that happened within my group and I ended up being the person most looking forward to it to being the person who had the worst time. And just generally everything that went along with the rest of my high school memories. I've come to terms that I'm in college, and as amazing of a time as I might of had, high school is over.

I still have every intention of going, and I'm super happy with Lauren, I just don't know how I'm going to feel once I'm there. Part of the excitement of prom was the build-up before it. Getting all the plans together, getting money where it needs to be, buying the tickets,

--Interjection!! I tuned into the end of this episode just now. I was listening enough to know that one of the first was going to do it with her date that night. When she got back to her house she took off her corsage and put it on the dresser. I noticed it had an awkwardly long shot of the dresser and then the petals moved, a lot more than they should have. I felt super smart for knowing exactly what they did. It's moments like this that make me realize I understand TV so much that I feel like I should really be working in television entertainment.--

buying the tickets, going to get your tux, bickering over where to have dinner, the friday before and hoping you don't have any homework, picking up your date with enough time to chat with her parents and get pictures there, then go to where ever people are meeting, and so on and so forth you know the drill.

Here's my problem, all of that is missing. I've got to give Lauren my money for the ticket, probably getting my tux on my own, I can't convince them to go for a limo or dinner, nobody is gonna be talking about it at Anderson, and I'm probably gonna be stressing out over work that weekend, because I'll be out all night Saturday, then getting back on Sunday to continue studying for exams, which start Monday.

But what I can't wait for is the chance of being able to steal the shoes from the rental place. Junior year I thought about it, Senior year I figured it out, and now I get the chance. If you go in at the peak hours of being busy, right when everyone is turning in the tuxes, they don't check the pocket in the back for the shoes. And worst case scenario is I put the shoes in my car, and if they do check then I'll just act like I forgot them and run to my car and turn them in.

I'm looking forward to it, I can't deny that, but I guess I wont know how I feel about it until I get there. I'll know plenty of people there, it's just gonna be different. No Tim, no Collin Winkle, no Bret. It's just gonna be different it all.

On the note of college, I should finally have everything straightened out at the end of the week, and I'll know if Ball State is in my future or not. I just don't know whats gonna happen if it's been too long and Ball State wont take me. I can't come back here, and it'll be way too late to try to throw out any last minute applications. If I start working full time, I'll get booted off my parents insurance for stuff because I wont be a student, and I'll have to start paying off my loans right away. It's kind of a lot of stress, but I'll manage.

I could just do with a solid talk about life with someone who has a genuine interest in my life. I've only got a few people that I can talk to like that, and I kind of miss them a ton right now.