I then went out of errands, visited a friend at work, stopped at home shortly to pick up a credit card to buy some clothes, and went shopping. After picking out what I needed, I headed to the checkout. While there, I found that I was not able to use her card, and needed to come back after being authorized. I thought, screw that, Im getting this sorted out now. So I headed to my car and pulled out my phone. I found missed calls and messages of all sorts that I had missed due to my phone being silent. Those messages leave me where I sit, as an emotional and mental train wreck, because this is the most screwed up I've felt in a long time.
I don't really know how to put things into the proper words, because Im still trying to sort it all out myself. The summary is this though, Im the bad guy that can't be trusted, and being around me makes you just as bad as me. A friend wanted to go biking with me and I said sure, shortly after though I started to get messages again. I read some of them and tried to reply at the same time as I was getting ready. I told myself this, those messages will still be on your phone when you're done, but your friend isn't going to wait forever. So I forcefully put my phone into my pocket, and out of mind, but remained fully aware of what had just begun. The first thing that came to mind was this. Those that were going to stick with me were going to know just what that would mean for them.
As we unloaded our bikes, I told him that we have to talk, he said that he knew. I told him right up front, that if he choose to stay friends with me, that it would get worse before it got better. He told me he would stick by me, and that just because others didn't think of him as a friend, it wouldn't matter to him, because as long as he still thought of them as friends then they would still be friends to him. That means so much to me. But that isn't what the focal point is on.
The best friend I've had in my entire life seems to hate me now.
That's what I was about to put, rather had put. This friend had just called me after typing that, and turned a new light on. This is what I want to type instead.
The best friend I've had in my entire life wants to fix things just as badly as I do.
I don't feel like I can end things on a better note than that, because even that little bit of talking really calmed me down, and right now I don't want to write anything else angry or frustrated, or any feeling that's connected to those at all.
The best friend I've had in my entire life wants to fix things just as badly as I do.
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